Yearly Archives: 2007

Office Holiday Party Guidelines

By: Jimmy Chen

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ATTIRE

People are encouraged to dress as well as possible. For men, a good tip is to wear the same outfit you wore on your initial interview for employment here at Copy Ink, Inc. If you wore a tie, we know you own at least one tie. Women should wear dresses that complement their body without exaggerating its proportions. Strapless dresses must be secured with double-sided tape. Dress hems should be below the knee. 5-inch heels will not bring you closer to God.

ARRIVAL

Arriving fashionably late is so 90’s. Welcome to the 21st Century, where people are secure enough about themselves to arrive 10 minutes early without feeling vulnerable and desperate. This administrator promises you that he will be there at 5:50 p.m. sharp and go straight for the crab cakes. Should you arrive at a European-oriented 8 p.m., the crab cakes will have changed their form in the stomach acid of your administrator.

HEIMLICH

Stuffed mushrooms are the perfect circumference and texture for choking. Only those in Human Resources are allowed to perform the Heimlich on chokers. HR representatives encroaching from behind will introduce themselves by saying: “We care about you; please lean over.” If a particle of food is launched into the air from a well-placed abdominal thrust, do not scream or attempt to dodge the offending airborne object. If it lands on your plate, tactfully move it to the side and continue eating.

ENTERTAINMENT

The Kenny Band will be performing covers of Kenny Loggins, Kenny Rogers, and Kenny G. The exact ratio of the songs is undisclosed. Dance music will be provided by William Murray, a.k.a. “DJ Bill.” Bill sports a spray-on tan, and his hair is covered in a thin layer of oil. The floor may be slippery within a 3 ft. radius of him. Please take caution when dancing in that area.

BAR

This administrator will be bartender. He will moderate your alcohol intake based on body weight. If you are driving, you will be limited to one drink per 60 lbs. If you are not driving, you will be allowed one drink per 25 lbs. A special exception to this rule applies to Jr. Associates, who evoke empathy because of their treacherous hours at work. There will be a special mini-pool full of Tequila they are welcome to bathe in. Appropriate swimwear is mandatory.

KIDS

Jungle Joe, whose specialty is ventriloquism and illusions, will be entertaining your kids. He will be bringing a plethora of stuffed animals, two of which are a raccoon and a skunk. Nobody is sure what his illusions will entail. This might be overwhelming for children under 2 yrs. Jungle Joe has a full beard, is of a swarthy complexion, and rather looks like his stuffed monkey — making his ventriloquism all the more complex and ironic for adults. For children, however, this might be extremely confusing. Please remove your child from the room if they begin crying.

ANIMALS

There are many squirrels outside. Only feed them unshelled and unsalted nuts. If you encounter a Flying Squirrel, realize that that is a misnomer. This squirrel, short of finding a branch, will fall. If the squirrel lands on your face, it will claw you out of confusion. Please close your eyes tightly. Also, if you are inebriated, do not pass out. Crows will interpret a supine position as being near death. These birds will attack your entrails. If you must lie on the ground to recover, rotate your arms around at an even pace to assert your cognizance and strength. Designated fire drill leaders will come to your aid, and for those who have asked, no, workman’s comp will not cover any injuries inflicted by squirrels or crows.

LOVE

One’s beauty is a slippery thing, and is enhanced in dim lighting, especially when augmented with alcohol. Your peers may — for some inexplicable reason — look somewhat attractive during this night. Think of your spouse and children. Do not follow whatever amorous inclinations might cause your fickle loins to pulsate. Calmly take a cube of ice and melt it on your brow. What happens at Copy Ink, Inc. does not stay at Copy Ink, Inc.

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A Letter to New Members of the Gamma Eta Fraternity

By: Lincoln Michel

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Hello all and welcome to your new home. Rest assured we didn’t make a rush to judgment when choosing you! All kidding aside, we here at Gamma Eta are dedicated to living clean, neat and smart while still having fun, or as we like to call it: practicing good fratkeeping. Our motto is “Just because our name is Greek doesn’t mean we can’t live like Sheikhs” (incidentally, we are looking for a new motto if you have any suggestions). With that in mind, here’s this week’s newsletter with a segment we like to call Hints from Howard.

Nifty Thrifts

* Do you have pairs of old socks whose elastic has given out? Don’t throw them away! Old socks can be used as budget oven mitts for removing slices of reheated pizza.

* An aloha party is a great way to kick off a new semester, but finding decorative sand can be tough if you don’t live near the beach. If you can’t find a playground sandbox to “borrow” sand from, why not make your own? Empty the crumbs from every bag of Doritos lying around the frat house into a large bucket. When the bucket is filled, scatter the crumbs across the floor and break out the leis!

* Every frat brother needs a seashell necklace, but not everyone can afford one. Try spray-painting a few conchiglie pasta shells white and threading them with an old shoelace for a neat alternative that won’t strain your wallet!

Stains and Spills

* The boudoir is an area that should excite all the senses, including smell. If you notice your girlfriend wrinkling her nose, try placing a few drops of eucalyptus oil mixed with fresh weed buds on your bedside lamp. The heat from the bulb will carry the delicious smell throughout the room (NOTE: Don’t use bong water!).

* Speaking of smelly liquids, if your buddy has a few too many, the nozzle of a hookah can be gently lowered down his throat to induce vomiting. After he’s puked and rallied, the two of you can enjoy a few hits of apple-flavored tobacco.

Culinary Clues

* Are you tired of drinking warm beer bought at the last minute for impromptu parties? Keep an ice tray filled with beer in your freezer. When the party starts, drop these frothy cubes in your mug for an instant icy brew that won’t get watered down!

* Coffee straws are excellent tools to sniff up that hard-to-reach cocaine in the cracks of your coffee table.

* Do you have your eye on a sorority sister who dislikes the rough smoke of marijuana and is also on a strict diet? Instead of pot brownies, why not try stirring those buds into a low-fat muffin mix? That way you can keep your lady stoned and slim.

Well, those are all the tips we have for you today. A reminder: The Ultimate Frisbee For Cancer-A-Thon will be taking place on the quad next Tuesday. If you do not have your own frisbee, try cutting off the handle of a plastic garbage-can lid. Voila!

Yours in Bro-Hood,

Howard Bowles

Gamma Eta Minister of Housekeeping

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27 Consecutive Items from the Outlook Task List of Peter Fallman, Mayor of Addleton

By: Dan Shea

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Jan 21: Must place thank-you call to Sheriff Brown for kind intro at inauguration.

Jan 23: Secretary’s name is Ahn-DRAY-ah, not AN-dree-ah!

Jan 30: Must have word with Andrea re: telephone etiquette. Also, apologize to Sheriff Brown re: rudeness of Andrea.

Feb 7: New secretary’s name is Paul.

Feb 21: Call City Attorney Ramirez re: Andrea’s frivolous civil suit. Does she have grounds to claim Clerical Squatters’ Rights? Do those even exist?!

Feb 28: Must call emergency Town Council caucus to update archaic Town Charter. Clerical Squatters’ Rights?! Come on!! Shouldn’t that mean just for the Church anyway?

Mar 3: Must train Paul to screen calls from Andrea’s lawyers.

Mar 10: New secretary’s name is Inga.

Mar 14: Must train Inga to screen calls from Paul’s lawyers. (NO VIOLENCE THIS TIME, PETE!)

Mar 15: Still have to call Sheriff Brown to thank for intro and apologize for Andrea.

Mar 16: Train Inga to use American telephones. And work on her English. And her attitude.

Mar 20: Fire Inga at end of workweek. STICK TO YOUR GUNS, PETE!

Mar 23: Pick Inga up at her place at 8 Saturday night. Buy new bottle of Old Spice.

Mar 24: SHERIFF BROWN! THANK-YOU CALL! APOLOGIES! TODAY! RIGHT AFTER LUNCH! SERIOUSLY!

Apr 2: Update Town Charter to include Council position for Inga. Buy a back-up bottle of Old Spice. Call temp agency again.

Apr 4: New secretary’s name is Robert. Call temp agency again. [frowny-face icon]

Apr 6: New secretary’s name is Pamela. Not a 10, but good enough. [smiley-face icon]

Apr 12: Have Pam cancel tonight’s Annual Police Benefit Dinner. Can’t sit next to Sheriff Brown when I still haven’t thanked him for his intro! Ask Treasurer Richards to reroute banquet funds to Account X.

Apr 16: New Interim City Treasurer’s name is Ed Williams. Think he’ll play ball. [smiley-face icon]

Apr 20: Must send Cayman Islands offshore acct #s to Ed Williams by Tues.

Apr 29: Numbers to be blocked from this phone line: Andrea’s lawyer, Paul’s lawyer, Inga’s cell, ex-Treasurer Richards’s office, The Addleton Gazette city room, City Attorney Ramirez’s office, Sheriff Brown’s office (if we can figure out what it is, dammit Pam!), wherever grand juries call from, my wife’s cell…

May 3: If he calls office, have Pam thank Sheriff Brown for the lame intro last month and apologize for Andrea etc. and deny any implications of embezzlement. Then block number.

May 10: Call Air Jamaica from the pay phone on Center St. TODAY!

May 12: Pack shorts and sandals and a bottle of Old Spice, cash in 401K, feed Ed to lions, drive self to airport (give driver afternoon off?). Maybe leave note for Pam.

May 14: Fast-track the Airport Express Lane Bill as last act before impeachment. Send email from Jamaica: congratulate Acting Mayor Brown on appointment, thank him for warm intro, beg for a pardon (can mayors even give those?).

May 15: If stopped on way to airport, hire a lawyer or two or five for multiple paternity and civil suits…and probably messy divorce…and countless criminal charges. Apologize to arresting officers for plundering their pensions.

May 15: Booking officer’s name is Marilyn.

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Subject: CEO To Serve Ice Cream!

By: Hari Raghavan

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From: Catherine Ruskin

To: HQ – All

Subject: CEO to serve ice cream!

Sent at 8:59 a.m.

Dear Friends and Colleagues,

This afternoon, at approximately 2 p.m., we are all in for a very special, very sweet treat. Our President and CEO, Jon Barger, will be dishing out single scoops of ice cream (cup or cone optional) in the main lobby to help combat the cruel summer heat! Immediately prior to the event, Mr. Barger will be outfitted by HR in an authentic, ’60s-style pinstriped apron and old-tyme dairy bar cap. This should be a lot of fun!

Looking forward to seeing each and every one of you there,

Catherine Ruskin

Human Resources Administrator

From: Catherine Ruskin

To: HQ – All

Subject: CEO + ice cream social follow-up

Sent at 11:05 a.m.

Dear Friends and Colleagues,

We have received numerous positive responses to today’s CEO + ice cream social…and it hasn’t even happened yet! To answer a few of your questions:

(1) Some of you have noticed that the event is officially scheduled on your calendars from 2:00 – 2:05 p.m. During this time, Mr. Barger will be personally available to serve you exactly one (1) scoop of his favorite flavor-of-the-day (banana berry fudge), cup or cone optional. First come, first served. At exactly 2:06 p.m, an official Herr’s Dairy Bar representative will take over the duties of head server, and Mr. Barger will be available for a meet-and-greet at a nearby collapsible table. Each employee is entitled to one (1) handshake, and will receive a printed, personalized message of encouragement from Mr. Barger himself. Those employees wishing to bring their spouses or young children to the event will be entitled to one (1) additional shake per spouse, and one (1) inspirational head rub / hair ruffle per child. Children over the age of 8 will not be admitted into the meet-and-greet area, and are expected to remain seated in the lobby with their ice cream in hand. Please clean up after yourself, and remind your spouse / child to do the same!!

(2) Regarding photographs and moving pictures: No image recording devices will be permitted entry into the designated ice cream social area. This includes Polaroids, still-picture cameras, digital cameras, Super 8s, or any other form of identity / memory capturing equipment. There are very logical reasons for this policy, and if you have any questions, we ask that you refer yourselves to the Employee Handbook. No appeals will be granted, so please don’t ask.

(3) Non-dairy options…will not be available. Please keep in mind that this is a company-wide event. Therefore, it would be impossible to tailor the event to suit each one of our individual whims and fancies. Both HR and Mr. Barger feel that the available flavor (banana berry fudge) is more than sufficient, and should satisfy our collective sweet tooth while also serving to encourage our continued productivity for the rest of the day / season. We hope you’ll agree.

Thank you and see you soon!

Catherine Ruskin

Human Resources Administrator

From: Catherine Ruskin

To: HQ – All

Subject: It’s almost time!

Sent at 1:25 p.m.

Friends and Colleagues,

It’s almost that special time of the day! We hope you saved some room for ice cream, and that you didn’t take as long as you might usually have taken for lunch (given that we’re providing you with your dessert and all!).

A few last-minute reminders and updates:

For your convenience and ours, we have hired a contractor to serve as a Maintainer of Order (informally, “bouncer”) at this afternoon’s event. Mr. Abdullah will be present for the duration of the event, and will direct you in an orderly fashion toward your single scoop. He does not expect to speak, and in turn expects not to be spoken to. He is a professional. Please obey him.

As promised, Mr. Barger will be suitably attired for the occasion, and will be donning his brand new (vintage) Dairy Bar Owner’s outfit. However, for the sake of workplace professionalism, the outfit will be removed immediately following Mr. Barger’s tenure as Scoop Distributor (2:06 p.m., sharp), at which point Mr. Barger will change into his usual Italian suit and tie, and return at approximately 2:20 p.m. for the scheduled meet-and-greet. During this interval, please direct all of your Yes / No inquiries to Abdullah, who will answer accordingly, with either a vertical nod or a horizontal shake. Human Resources administrators will not be available at this time, as we will be helping Mr. Barger change into his suit in the privacy of the 1st floor women’s restroom.

We have had a few questions regarding post-event workplace expectations: We expect you to be productive! Just because we are providing you with a free ice cream social, that doesn’t mean that the rest of your work day should be neglected in favor of other, equally fun activities. A few of you have suggested a post-event Frisbee-golf (“Frolf”) round robin in the parking lot, while still others have mentioned the possibility of a “bar night.” No! Please be back at your desks no later than 2:45 p.m., and have your monitors switched on. We have hired more contractors to serve as undercover post-event observers, and they will be reporting directly back to Mr. Barger himself. Consider yourselves warned…

Sincerely,

Catherine Ruskin

Human Resources Administrator

From: Catherine Ruskin

To: HQ – All

Subject: Success!

Sent at: 3:45 p.m.

Whew. What a day!

Today we once again proved to ourselves that we can work together as a company and as a community to make events such as a complimentary CEO + ice cream social a reality. We here in HR were more than pleased by the incredible turnout, and I can assure you that Mr. Barger enjoyed serving and meeting each and every one of you! Thanks to your cooperation and relative obedience, it is quite possible (but not guaranteed) that a similar event might take place in the distant future.

Thanks to those of you who oh-so-generously volunteered some time out of your work day to speak with the crew from 9 News — the lines were literally out the door! We’re very grateful to them for covering this event, and we look forward to seeing the segment entitled “Local CEO Serves Ice Cream With Bare Hands” during tomorrow evening’s newscast. Incidentally, we apologize for any sanitary concerns that may have arisen due to the unanticipated style of Mr. Barger’s service; we only did what the cameramen told us to do!

Is it hot in here? (not anymore!),

Catherine “Cathy” Ruskin

Human Resources Administrator

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John the Apostle Has Some Explaining to Do

By: Tyler Smith

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Alright everybody, settle down now. What you’ve just witnessed here is a miracle. I need everybody to take a few steps back and give me some air so I can explain. Divine intervention has manifested itself in our affairs right here in Cana, as you’ll notice that the water you’ve been sipping for the past hour has now been turned to wine. With this miracle, I, for one, am prepared to put my faith in this man. What’s that, Fred? No, not that dwarf over by the salad bar; I’m talking about Jesus, the guy I brought from Nazareth. The Lamb of God, for crying out loud. Well, my date cancelled. Of course you can’t eat Him — it’s a metaphor. Fred, I think you’ve been drinking a little too much of that wine. Jesus is not taking “drink orders,” per se. If He wants to turn the wine into dry martinis, I imagine He’ll do that, don’t you? Look, I’m sorry the dwarf is freaking you out, but I’m not about to ask Jesus to turn him into lemon sorbet — be realistic, Fred. Well she’s allowed to tell him his business — that’s his mother. I know it’s dorky, she’s just a little protective. Please don’t make a big deal about his mom coming, okay? Because it’s embarrasing, Fred! No, Fred. She doesn’t have a boyfriend. She has a husband — a devoted husband called Joseph. Kick his ass? You go right ahead with that, Fred. You go right ahead and see what happens when that happens, hoss.

His glory revealed, I suggest we all give Jesus a little room and thank Him for providing us with this wine, as you sots drank the last of it before the ink on the ketubah dried. As foretold by Isaiah 62:4-5, we have borne witness to this grand….My name? It’s John. The bride and I were mixed doubles partners on the high school tennis team. I’m sorry, you are who? Wendell? Ah, the best man. Well, this must be quite a day for you, sir. Oh, I assure you, neither Jesus nor I is trying to “steal anybody’s thunder,” but you must admit that this miracle, this luminous mystery has come to us as an indication that…How am I being an insensitive jackass? If I wanted to, I could tell everybody about how I’ve noticed you’ve been eyeing the flower girls since we got here. Well, I’m sure they do things differently in Jezreel, but here in Cana, we don’t tolerate that kind of thing. We’re talking about the Anointed here, who has come to us to redeem all humanity. This man is the word become flesh and I aim to have you recognize that…Oh, don’t be childish; I’m not going to “meet you by the chuppah in twenty minutes.” This is a sacred occasion on so many levels, Wendell. Why are you intent on making such a donkey of yourself?

Okay, come here, Jesus. Enable us as your disciples to follow you in all the glory of your divine splendor…Oh, I know they’re a little rowdy — they’re just half-crocked on that delicious wine. But they won’t bite, I promise. Come up here on the stage with me. Whoa! Okay, that dwarf definitely bites. I didn’t see that coming. How is your ankle? Jesus, I’m sorry about that. I think they’re just a little overwhelmed. I have to admit, I am too. No, wait. Where are you going? See what you’ve done, you maniacs? Now he’s upset and you’re all drunk and acting like a bunch of jerks. That means you, Fred. I’ll tell you what. To be honest, I’m struggling to see how you make the connection between Jesus doing His best to make this wedding a real one-of-a-kind bash by turning water into wine and you having “the power” to turn your lamb chops into “poop.” Well, one is an act of the gastro-intestinal tract and the other is an act of God. Yes, Fred, I’m sure He could, but you’re plumb crazy if you think I’m going to ask Jesus to turn the crudité spread into shekel-bags of weed.

Now, if you would, rejoice with me all of you in praising Jesus for this miracle we have seen today. Uh, girls. Girls! That’s not praising. That’s more like “asking for things.” Get up off of Jesus’s lap. No, girls. That’s incorrect. Why would He want to come down your chimney? Milk and cookies? What’s gotten into you people? But since we’re on chimneys, I urge you all to abandon your false hearths! There is a brighter light that shines before your very eyes. Praise be to Jesus, for He has…What’s that, Emily? No, He doesn’t do pregnancy tests. You all think this is some kind of parlor trick, don’t you? I don’t think the awesome power or significance of what has happened here today is really sinking in. This is unbelievable. Oh, forgive them, Jesus. Well no, not the little fellow who bit you, that was totally uncalled for. They hauled him off along with that groomsman who was trying to fondle the ice sculpture, so you won’t have to worry about them any more…Hmm, that’s a good question. Where is everybody going? Good people of Galilee, what is that commotion? Hold on one second, Jesus. Maybe the band is setting up; let me go take a look.

Can this be so? Jesus, come quickly! It is another miracle, like the one described on Mount Horeb. Perhaps as God informed Moses of his divine calling after the flight out of Egypt, He now appears as if to speak from a burning bush! Oh, wait. No. Jesus, you probably don’t even want to see this. It’s Fred. He’s done something called a “brush fire.” I’m embarrassed to even tell you what it is. Well, you blow out all the candles in a room and then you, uh, while everybody’s wondering what’s up, you, uh, hmm, how do I put this lightly, uh, you sort of light your pubes on fire and run around the room. Yeah, and I guess it sort of looks like a brush fire.

It’s always the lowest common denominator at these things, Jesus. Man, I could really use a dry martini right now.

Well, I was just asking.

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Selections From An Anti-Duck Propaganda Pamphlet

By: Meg Favreau

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Lately there has been an epidemic of DUCKS posing as PEOPLE. These ducks pretend to be HUMAN CHILDREN (ducks are small) who say they are “lost” and “need their mommies.” When an adult human tries to help the duck child, it STEALS the human’s WALLET. The ducks are then using this money to create PRO-DUCK PROPAGANDA and also to buy stale breadcrumbs.

WHY THIS IS BAD

Every time a duck eats stale breadcrumbs, that duck ingests a small amount of GROWTH HORMONE. By eating the HORMONE, normal ducks of THE PAST are quickly becoming GIANT DUCKS OF THE FUTURE. Whereas in 1940 most ducks rated a five on the Heinreich-Peterson Duck Scale, today’s ducks rate a SEVEN. At this rate, in thirty years, ducks will pretend to be HUMAN TEENAGERS instead of HUMAN CHILDREN.

Ducks try to distract humans from their GROWTH PLANS by creating PRO-DUCK PROPAGANDA. They will try to tell you that ducks are harmless, friendly animals, and that all lost children are really human. NO. This is not true. Ducks want to grow to HUMAN PROPORTIONS so they can eat FRESH BREADCRUMBS and also get country club memberships.

WHAT TO DO

If you see a human child that claims to be lost, DO NOT TRUST IT. Chances are very good that this is a DUCK in DISGUISE. Here are some clues that the child is actually a DUCK:

— The child has a long, orange nose

— The child has feathers

— The child makes a quacking noise

— The child talks obsessively about ponds and streams

— The child’s name is “Mallard”

Unfortunately, some ducks have developed very good costumes. Even if the “lost” “human” “child” you are talking to does not display any of the above symptoms, you should still be cautious. The best way to make sure that a LOST CHILD is not actually a MONEY-STEALING DUCK is to throw it in a nearby pond, stream, or ocean. If it is indeed a duck, its costume will disintegrate when it hits the water, and you will be a HERO. BEWARE: if it is actually a child, it will drown.

THINGS DUCK-EXPOSING HEROES CAN LOOK FORWARD TO

— Commendations from the mayor

— More stale breadcrumbs for themselves

— Duck-free early retirement

DO NOT LET THE DUCKS GET THE BEST OF YOU. THEY KNOW HOW TO USE CREDIT CARDS AND ALSO HOW TO CALL YOUR EX-GIRLFRIENDS. IN YOUR HOUSE, ON THE STREET, OR IN THE WORKPLACE, ALWAYS BE AWARE OF POTENTIAL DUCKS.

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Letter From Dr. Phil

By: David Martin

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Dear Nancy,

Well, I guess this is it. I always thought that there was hope for us. But now that you’ve served the divorce papers, it’s clear that you want out.

I don’t know what more Ted and I could have done to make this work. Sure, he cheated on you. But, as you’ll recall, he was willing to do what it took to remedy that shortcoming by agreeing to participate in episode 126: “Cheating Husbands.” Sadly, you refused to take advantage of that generous offer.

Then he slept with your sister and all you could think about was yourself. As a couple, you would have been perfect for episode 177: “My Husband Slept With My Sister.” He even got down on his knees and begged my producer to call you and convince you to come on the show.

Nancy, don’t ever say that man never cared. From what I could see, his biggest crime was that he cared too much. And not just about the show. From my many third-hand conversations with Ted, I know that he cared about you, too. Admittedly, maybe not as much as the show. But let’s just say you were often in his thoughts.

Like the time he slept with your sister’s husband. Surely you had to know that all he really had in mind was a chance for you two to appear together on episode 246: “My Husband Slept With My Sister’s Husband.” If you could have just stopped thinking about yourself for one minute, you would have seen that this was an attempt to help mend your troubled relationship.

But someone who couldn’t see that her husband’s wearing of her undergarments wasn’t just about her was unlikely to be big enough to admit that there’s always fault on both sides. You had to know that we were then in the planning stages for one of our most successful episodes to date – no. 301: “My Husband Wears My Undergarments.”

You may think that Ted was simply obsessed with getting on my show. You know as well as I do that that is simply not true. Just ask Maury, Montel or even Jerry and you’ll know that his obsession, if that’s what you want to label it, was not as narrowly focused as you might have once thought.

And don’t say I don’t know Ted. Through the dozens of letters, faxes and e-mails he exchanged with various members of my staff, I believe I got to know him almost as well as some of my actual guests. The fact that the security folks here at the studio repeatedly kept him at bay does not lessen my respect for Ted one iota.

Couldn’t you see, Nancy, that Ted’s actions were a cry for help and a manifestation of his true, albeit somewhat unusual, love for you? Do you think that a man undergoes a sex change operation lightly? Surely you must have known that, at the time, we had already outlined what was to become episode 357: “My Husband Had A Sex Change To Get On TV.”

Suffice it to say, that’s all water under the psychological bridge. If the fact that Ted subsequently had his sex change reversed is not enough to elicit an “I’m sorry” from you, all I can say is that you are a cold woman who definitely needs the kind of help only a TV therapist can provide. And that’s exactly what I could have offered you if only you had agreed to be part of episode 399: “My Husband Had His Sex Change Reversed.”

If a divorce is what you truly want, then a divorce is what you’ll get. Ted isn’t asking for anything. You can have the house, the cars, the kids and all the money. All he asks is that you briefly participate by phone in our upcoming episode: “Rather Than Come On Dr. Phil With Me And Discuss My Latest Infidelity Or Peccadillo, My Wife Divorced Me.” I hope you’re a big enough woman to grant a shattered man that one small wish.

Please, Nancy, stop thinking of yourself so much and think of Ted for once. Or at least do what Ted has so selflessly done and think of the show.

Sincerely,

Dr. Phil

P. S. If all else fails, give me a call. I’m sure we can work something out just between you and me. I’m thinking maybe “My Husband Was Obsessed With Getting On Dr. Phil” or “Dr. Phil Saved Me From A Crazy Spouse.” Call me. Let’s talk.

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Before They Were Literary Giants They Submitted Lists To Hip Online Humor Magazines

By: Gladstone

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The Probable Causes Of My Demise

By Edgar Allan Poe

Buried alive through misadventure

Buried alive through devious intent (by a mortal enemy)

Sleep deprivation induced by stifling nightmares of live interment

Being –- not buried, but — enclosed, restricted or encased, in a confined area until suffocated or starved over a long period of time

Same as above, but possibly sooner if a sharpened pendulum be incorporated

Alcoholism

What I Found In My Pocket This Morning

By Charles Bukowski

An empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s

Blood

Jizz

Blood (someone else’s)

The memory of a life not lived

Herpes-riddled chapstick

My Good Friends And What I Think Of Them

By Ernest Hemingway

F. Scott Fitzgerald: Lazy Drunk

Gertrude Stein: Lazy Dyke

John Dos Passos: Overrated treacherous hack

Ford Maddox Ford: Pompous, wheezing dilettante

James Joyce: Considering he’s an Irish, emaciated, nearly blind bookworm, he can string together some decent prose.

Harold Loeb: Jew

What I Did Today And The Thoughts That Followed

By Nathaniel Hawthorne

Cooked up some eggs — Judging others is wrong

Mailed letter to Melville — It is a sin to impugn evil to another

Lightly dusted my bookshelf — Witch-hunts are bad

Attended a comedic performance — We are all sinners

Ate pot roast for dinner — I must endeavor not to believe myself holier than thou

Readied myself for bed — Christ, I don’t remember that demon postmaster stamping my letter!

What To Do If You Are Confronted With An Absurd And Impossibly Cruel Fate

By Franz Kafka

Rail against it pointlessly

Accept it inconceivably

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The Far Starboard

By: David Litt

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The Weekly Standard, a magazine whose editorial positions are often indistinguishable from those of the Bush administration, will be testing the waters with its first-ever cruise. — Foward.com, August 1, 2007

(The night is dark. On the deck of The Weekly Standard’s cruise ship, the USS Titanic Freedom, the band plays and wealthy conservatives dance, poorly. On the bridge, the lookout, Harrison, stares ahead, searching for dangers lurking in the waves. The visibility is next-to-nothing, but Bill Kristol, the captain, editor-in-chief, and featured speaker, steers the ship with the same righteous smugness with which he does everything. All of a sudden, a massive object appears on the horizon — and the ship is heading right for it!)

CAPTAIN KRISTOL: Stay the course!

LOOKOUT: But there’s an iceberg, dead ahead. We’ve got to adjust our heading.

CAPTAIN KRISTOL: And admit defeat? What kind of message would that send to our enemies, Harrison?

LOOKOUT: Sir?

CAPTAIN KRISTOL: The world is watching, Harrison. If we surrender this patch of Artic Circle, we send a message to icebergs everywhere: “The Weekly Standard Cruise is weak.”

LOOKOUT: But sir, I’m not sure the USS Titantic Freedom is built to handle…

CAPTAIN KRISTOL: When George Washington was crossing the Delaware, he could have turned back, but he continued to the other side. Today, the Weekly Standard Cruise faces a similar choice. No matter how great the setbacks, we must not falter in our mission.

LOOKOUT: But we have to do something.

BILL KRISTOL: You’re right, Jenkins. That’s why I’m a strong proponent of the “surge,” a plan to add twenty knots per hour to our ship. That iceberg hates us, Jenkins. It hates our way of life. If we are to persevere, we need to show it that the Weekly Standard Cruise still possesses overwhelming force.

(On the first-class deck, Mary Paulson, a homemaker from Orange County, is enjoying a glass of champagne with executive editor/first lieutenant Fred Barnes when she hears a sudden crash. Lt. Barnes goes to see what the matter is, and five minutes later he returns. Mary is alarmed.)

MARY: What’s going on?

LIEUTENTANT BARNES: Certain liberal elements of the crew report that the ship is filling with water. However, as usual they neglect to mention the good news – two engine rooms still aren’t flooded, for example.

MARY: How long do we have to get to the lifeboats?

LIEUTENTANT BARNES: To put a timetable on your departure would be irresponsible, Ms. Paulson. However, we’ve been examining the options, and there’s a possibility that members of the Weekly Standard Cruise will maintain a presence on the cruise ship eternally, particularly those in steerage.

MARY: But…

LIEUTENTANT BARNES: Don’t worry. It’s like Korea.

(Five hours later, in the cold, black water, Rose Buckley III, a young attorney in the justice department, is floating on a piece of driftwood. Struggling to hold on to her is Jack Goodling, a dashing Cato Institute Fellow she met on board. For a while, Rose tries to help him, but soon she gives up, and he begins drifting out to sea.)

JACK (Yelling): You promised me you’d never let go!

ROSE (Yelling, but evasively): I’m sorry, Jack. I don’t remember the details of that meeting.

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Whole Foods, Half Truths

By: Mollie Wilson

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“Rahodeb was an online pseudonym of John Mackey, co-founder and chief executive of Whole Foods Market Inc….For about eight years until last August, the company confirms, Mr. Mackey posted numerous messages on Yahoo Finance stock forums as Rahodeb. It’s an anagram of Deborah, Mr. Mackey’s wife’s name….Rahodeb expressed pride in the CEO’s work. ‘While I’m not a “Mackey groupie,”‘ he wrote in 2000, ‘I do admire what the man has accomplished.'” — The Wall Street Journal, July 12, 2007

No official reaction has been issued by the Unauthorized John Mackey Fan Club or its officers (president Jonathan McKey, vice-president Mack Johnny and treasurer Johnny Mack Brown). The issue has not been raised in the club’s very active online discussion forums (most popular thread: “What Do You Love Most About John Mackey?”).

Fact-checkers are advised not to rely on Mackey’s personal Wikipedia entry (currently locked to prevent further editing), which has, on various occasions and without citation, described the CEO as “handsome,” “too smart for MENSA,” “really good at Monopoly” and “consistently underestimated and underpraised by family, friends and competitors.”

Amateur investors may want to reevaluate their reliance on the “Supermarket Spotlight” blog — updated daily by “produce enthusiast” Deb Raho — which has named Whole Foods Market its “Retailer of the Week” for the past 93 consecutive weeks.

Readers should not be excessively influenced by comments posted to the “Supermarket Spotlight” blog by “R.H. Adobe” (the site’s only commenter), including, “UR so right about Whole Foods!” “Waiting in line is just part of the experience!” and “I’d rather shop at Whole Foods than do just about anything, except eat the delicious food I buy there!”

Customers have flagged as “unhelpful” a number of product reviews on Amazon.com, written by “Top 1000 Reviewer” B.D. O’Hare, that mention Whole Foods or its products favorably (e.g., “Justin Timberlake and Timbaland are a delightful team, as fruitful as the partnership between Whole Foods and Jamba Juice!”).

Local authorities are investigating a series of pizzas ordered over the telephone by “Herb Ado” and delivered to the home of former Wild Oats Markets Inc. CEO Perry Odak on several Friday nights this past winter (always with a topping of locally-grown wheatgrass, at an additional $6.50 per pie).

Human Resources departments at several major corporations are questioning the authenticity of a reference letter from Professor Jack Yame, recommending Mackey “in the strongest possible terms” for “any job for which he might apply” — despite Mackey’s failure to complete his college degree, which Professor Yame says “would have been an empty formality, in this case.”

Journalists have called attention to several comments on Mackey’s MySpace profile, complimenting his facial hair (“Nice ‘stache, bro! Wish I had one!” from “HoleFudsboy”), “Books” selections (“I luv The Little Prince too OMG its so amaaazing,” from “Deb Rules”) and management style (“You are the best boss to work for! I tell everybody! They are so jealous they don’t work for you too! But I tell them they should move to Denver where your store is hiring part-time employees! I tell them interviews are held between 9 and 11, Monday thru Wednesday! And they should bring 2 copies of their résumé! Whole Foods is an EEO that does not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, religion or sexual orientation! TTYL!” from “Mack the Knife”). Further investigation reveals that all of these comments come from users whose profiles list “Whole Foods CEO John Mackey!!!” under “Who I’d like to meet.”

High school classmates of Mackey’s cannot vouch for images in his “Prom Memories” photo album — including those captioned “Posing with my date,” “Crowned King and Queen!”” and “One at a time, ladies, one at a time!” — which closer inspection reveals to be composites created using craft paste, an X-Acto knife and back issues of Seventeen magazine.

Permanent record files at Mackey’s grade school offer no explanation for a third-grade report card on which someone, reportedly Mackey’s teacher, wrote “Grate job this year!” in suspiciously amateurish cursive.

The members of Whole Foods Market, Inc.’s board of directors have been asked to disregard an anonymous letter sent to their homes, signed “A Concerned Silent Partner” and insisting that Mackey’s actions are “probably not illegal,” “really quite shrewd, when you think about it,” and “certainly not the sort of thing that should inspire a vote of no confidence on your part.”

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