Jan 21: Must place thank-you call to Sheriff Brown for kind intro at inauguration.
Jan 23: Secretary’s name is Ahn-DRAY-ah, not AN-dree-ah!
Jan 30: Must have word with Andrea re: telephone etiquette. Also, apologize to Sheriff Brown re: rudeness of Andrea.
Feb 7: New secretary’s name is Paul.
Feb 21: Call City Attorney Ramirez re: Andrea’s frivolous civil suit. Does she have grounds to claim Clerical Squatters’ Rights? Do those even exist?!
Feb 28: Must call emergency Town Council caucus to update archaic Town Charter. Clerical Squatters’ Rights?! Come on!! Shouldn’t that mean just for the Church anyway?
Mar 3: Must train Paul to screen calls from Andrea’s lawyers.
Mar 10: New secretary’s name is Inga.
Mar 14: Must train Inga to screen calls from Paul’s lawyers. (NO VIOLENCE THIS TIME, PETE!)
Mar 15: Still have to call Sheriff Brown to thank for intro and apologize for Andrea.
Mar 16: Train Inga to use American telephones. And work on her English. And her attitude.
Mar 20: Fire Inga at end of workweek. STICK TO YOUR GUNS, PETE!
Mar 23: Pick Inga up at her place at 8 Saturday night. Buy new bottle of Old Spice.
Mar 24: SHERIFF BROWN! THANK-YOU CALL! APOLOGIES! TODAY! RIGHT AFTER LUNCH! SERIOUSLY!
Apr 2: Update Town Charter to include Council position for Inga. Buy a back-up bottle of Old Spice. Call temp agency again.
Apr 4: New secretary’s name is Robert. Call temp agency again. [frowny-face icon]
Apr 6: New secretary’s name is Pamela. Not a 10, but good enough. [smiley-face icon]
Apr 12: Have Pam cancel tonight’s Annual Police Benefit Dinner. Can’t sit next to Sheriff Brown when I still haven’t thanked him for his intro! Ask Treasurer Richards to reroute banquet funds to Account X.
Apr 16: New Interim City Treasurer’s name is Ed Williams. Think he’ll play ball. [smiley-face icon]
Apr 20: Must send Cayman Islands offshore acct #s to Ed Williams by Tues.
Apr 29: Numbers to be blocked from this phone line: Andrea’s lawyer, Paul’s lawyer, Inga’s cell, ex-Treasurer Richards’s office, The Addleton Gazette city room, City Attorney Ramirez’s office, Sheriff Brown’s office (if we can figure out what it is, dammit Pam!), wherever grand juries call from, my wife’s cell…
May 3: If he calls office, have Pam thank Sheriff Brown for the lame intro last month and apologize for Andrea etc. and deny any implications of embezzlement. Then block number.
May 10: Call Air Jamaica from the pay phone on Center St. TODAY!
May 12: Pack shorts and sandals and a bottle of Old Spice, cash in 401K, feed Ed to lions, drive self to airport (give driver afternoon off?). Maybe leave note for Pam.
May 14: Fast-track the Airport Express Lane Bill as last act before impeachment. Send email from Jamaica: congratulate Acting Mayor Brown on appointment, thank him for warm intro, beg for a pardon (can mayors even give those?).
May 15: If stopped on way to airport, hire a lawyer or two or five for multiple paternity and civil suits…and probably messy divorce…and countless criminal charges. Apologize to arresting officers for plundering their pensions.
May 15: Booking officer’s name is Marilyn.