Selections From An Anti-Duck Propaganda Pamphlet

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Lately there has been an epidemic of DUCKS posing as PEOPLE. These ducks pretend to be HUMAN CHILDREN (ducks are small) who say they are “lost” and “need their mommies.” When an adult human tries to help the duck child, it STEALS the human’s WALLET. The ducks are then using this money to create PRO-DUCK PROPAGANDA and also to buy stale breadcrumbs.

WHY THIS IS BAD

Every time a duck eats stale breadcrumbs, that duck ingests a small amount of GROWTH HORMONE. By eating the HORMONE, normal ducks of THE PAST are quickly becoming GIANT DUCKS OF THE FUTURE. Whereas in 1940 most ducks rated a five on the Heinreich-Peterson Duck Scale, today’s ducks rate a SEVEN. At this rate, in thirty years, ducks will pretend to be HUMAN TEENAGERS instead of HUMAN CHILDREN.

Ducks try to distract humans from their GROWTH PLANS by creating PRO-DUCK PROPAGANDA. They will try to tell you that ducks are harmless, friendly animals, and that all lost children are really human. NO. This is not true. Ducks want to grow to HUMAN PROPORTIONS so they can eat FRESH BREADCRUMBS and also get country club memberships.

WHAT TO DO

If you see a human child that claims to be lost, DO NOT TRUST IT. Chances are very good that this is a DUCK in DISGUISE. Here are some clues that the child is actually a DUCK:

— The child has a long, orange nose

— The child has feathers

— The child makes a quacking noise

— The child talks obsessively about ponds and streams

— The child’s name is “Mallard”

Unfortunately, some ducks have developed very good costumes. Even if the “lost” “human” “child” you are talking to does not display any of the above symptoms, you should still be cautious. The best way to make sure that a LOST CHILD is not actually a MONEY-STEALING DUCK is to throw it in a nearby pond, stream, or ocean. If it is indeed a duck, its costume will disintegrate when it hits the water, and you will be a HERO. BEWARE: if it is actually a child, it will drown.

THINGS DUCK-EXPOSING HEROES CAN LOOK FORWARD TO

— Commendations from the mayor

— More stale breadcrumbs for themselves

— Duck-free early retirement

DO NOT LET THE DUCKS GET THE BEST OF YOU. THEY KNOW HOW TO USE CREDIT CARDS AND ALSO HOW TO CALL YOUR EX-GIRLFRIENDS. IN YOUR HOUSE, ON THE STREET, OR IN THE WORKPLACE, ALWAYS BE AWARE OF POTENTIAL DUCKS.

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