* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where our good friend David Martin has a piece that contains no reference whatsoever to current events. After you're done perusing his latst piece of hilarity, click on the link below to check out his humor blog.

George Washington’s Spin Doctor

By:
david.martin@bell.net
http://davespoliticalsatire.blogspot.ca

Herewith the recently discovered transcript of a press conference held in November of 1796 with George Washington’s spin doctor, Bartholomew Lewandowski:

Yes, you over there. First question. “Can I comment on the rumors about Mr. Washington’s extramarital dalliances?”

That’s highly offensive. It should be obvious that the President has been far too busy over the last twenty years defeating the British and running the country to even have time for such activities. Let’s face it: he barely has time to satisfy his conjugal duties with Martha. As the President has frequently stated, he has the utmost respect for all ladies notwithstanding he does not wish them to vote.

Next question? “Did the President ever consider becoming America’s first king?”

Of course not. Why would he want to be king when he has devoted much of his life to defeating the British monarchy? The fact that someone found a few monogrammed sheets and shirts at Mount Vernon with George I embroidered on them proves nothing. That was a simple mistake by the plantation’s seamstress who meant to adorn the items with George W.

Yes, you in the corner. You’re asking if the President has ever misled Congress?

Let me tell you a story about a young George Washington that will put this rumor to bed. At the age of six, he chopped down his father’s cherry tree and yet had the courage and fortitude when confronted with the evidence to state “I cannot tell a lie” and accept full responsibility.

That is the same truth-telling hero you see before you today. Those who say young George failed to also accept blame for a felled pecan tree and a severely damaged peach tree are sorely mistaken.

Ezekial Abernathy from the Philadelphia Gazette, you have a question? How does the President justify the ownership of slaves?

Thank you for that question. Yes, the President inherited some slaves and that is perfectly legal. But he is a model slaveholder who treats his chattel with the utmost kindness and, in fact, intends to free them upon his demise. I might remind you gentlemen of the press that Mr. Washington has great respect for his property unlike a contemporary in nearby Monticello, who shall remain nameless, who reportedly has made one of his slaves his mistress.

Thaddeus Baskerville from the Boston Gazette. Did Washington actually stand at the bow of the boat crossing the Delaware River?

It’s hard to believe that, after all these years, we still have to deal with the pernicious rumors that General Washington was not at Valley Forge, did not stand at the bow of the boat and did not even personally cross the Delaware. He was definitely there and it is hoped that within the next fifty years or so pictorial evidence will surface to confirm the truth.

One last query. Yes, the scrivener in the back of the room.

You are wondering why the President has not stored all of his correspondence in the Library of Congress rather than keeping much of it in a private garden shed at Mount Vernon. While President Washington has conceded that it might have been preferable to do so, the nation can rest assured that no confidential or classified letters or memoranda were ever compromised, particularly since that shed recently burned to the ground.

 

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we proudly join our good friend David Martin in trying to eliminate all writers from the world. Starting with your own household. Once you've finished reading his newest piece of absurdity, click on the link below to check out his humor blog.

How To Eliminate Writers From Your Home

By:
david.martin@bell.net
http://davespoliticalsatire.blogspot.ca

Any time of year is a good time to pest-proof your home. Whether you’ve got ants, mice or squirrels, it’s best to take action to keep these critters at bay.

 

There are plenty of websites to help you identify common rodents and varmints and take the necessary steps to bid them good riddance. Despite several Google searches and minutes of offline research, however, I was unable to find any advice on spotting and eliminating a very common household irritant: the writer.

 

But fear not — I have taken it upon myself to fill this void and present you with everything you need to know to identify and eliminate this most persistent of pests from your abode.

 

First of all, you need to determine if there are, in fact, any writers in your house. You may already suspect that you have been infested with one or more of these creatures by such telltale signs as frequent keyboarding clicks and clacks, late night scribbling beneath bedside lamps or the repeated sound of a head banging against the wall.

 

To be sure if writers are about, however, you have to do some simple sleuthing. If, for example, many of the coats and jackets in your closets have two or more pens in their inside pockets together with numerous pieces of scrap paper, you can be pretty sure you have an infestation of at least one writer.

 

Another sign that an unwanted scribbler may be about is the placement of notebooks and notepads next to every phone, desk, bed and toilet. Open them and look for outlines, reminders and half-written articles, which are sure signs that a writer is nearby.

 

Half-read books piled up on nightstands and tables may signal a writer about. But be careful, since such evidence may simply point to the presence of an obsessive yet inefficient and generally harmless creature known as a reader.

 

Similarly, magazines strewn about the house may mean that a writer has invaded your space. Check, though, for the type of magazines to ensure that you’re not simply on the trail of an inoffensive periodical enthusiast. However, if many of the magazines have the words “Writer,” “Writing” or “Publishing” in the title, there’s definitely cause for concern.

 

Once you’ve established that you have a writer, the next step is to trap him. In line with today’s more modern and sensitive approach to pest control, we strongly advise against using any deadly traps. Instead, we suggest you opt for a live capture and release method.

 

Any one of a number of humane cages will serve the purpose. The key element in using such traps is the proper selection of bait. Many folks opt for traditional items like pens, paper or a keyboard. Still others choose old standbys like writers’ books and magazines.

 

The trouble with using such bait is that if your writer falls for it and still manages to avoid the trap, he will be wise to your ways and likely then to avoid the cage. If that happens, you have to resort to more sophisticated items to lure the crafty wordsmith.

 

In my experience, such things as faux reviews and articles featuring the writer’s name (assuming you’ve discovered his name in his various leavings around the house) make excellent enticements. If all else fails, however, the one tried, true and no-fail bait is a phony letter of acceptance from any major publication. No writer can resist such a tempting trap.

 

Now that you’ve caught your nuisance writer, what do you do with him? Some people have made the mistake of attempting to talk the critter out of writing, but that seldom works. Others have tried driving the writer to the country and releasing him into the wild. Although he will sometimes take refuge in a cabin or a lakeside writers’ retreat for a few weeks, he will almost always return to your home.

 

After years of experimentation, I’ve found what I think is the best solution to this difficult problem: give your writer his own room and insist that he do his writing there. You’ll get more peace and quiet and, who knows, with any luck your writer may even start producing an income.

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we would gladly take up arms against our fellow citizens for the chance to view a new Ken Burns documentary series. When you've finished reading David Martin's latest bit of fun, click on the link below to check out his humor blog.

The Civil War II

By:
david.martin@bell.net
http://davespoliticalsatire.blogspot.ca

“[Keith] Mines concluded that the United States faces a 60 percent chance of civil war over the next ten to fifteen years.” — The New Yorker, August 14, 2017

The following is a brief audio clip from the future Ken Burns documentary The Civil War II:

December 10, 2020

My Dearest Sarah,

I would urge you, my dear wife, to choose a mournful Scottish fiddle lament from iTunes as background music when reading this, my husbandly epistle to you.

It has been three long weeks since I bid you farewell from our beloved homestead in the Hollywood Hills. Our company of Liberal Renegades has headed east to assist our comrades-in-arms in Manhattan in holding the front line against the Red States Army from the Midwest.

The fighting has been fierce with many casualties on both sides. At present our Liberal forces are at a disadvantage due, in part, to the sizable cache of handguns and semi-automatic weapons possessed by our enemy. Hindsight being 20-20, we all wish we had been stronger proponents of the Second Amendment in our previous lives.

I can also see that the personal life skills of our troops do not greatly advantage us in this war. Although we are waist-deep in lawyers, movie producers and investment bankers, their undeniable high-level abilities are of little use against the Red State forces who number highly within the categories of hunter, truck driver and construction worker.

At every turn, they seem to have the upper hand. Although we are learning fast the arts of war including the use of vehicles, tools and weapons, we are, as yet, no match when it comes to matters military.

O that I had spent my antebellum leisure hours in the woods learning to hunt or my weekends in Idaho at a militia camp rather than at the marina sailing or the country club playing squash. I have little doubt that many of us now wish that we had foresworn a Lexus, Audi or BMW as our vehicle of choice in favor of what we now know to be the more practical Dodge Ram or machine-gun mounted Toyota pickup known as a technical.

I can hear you, my dear Sarah, sighing deeply as you note the painful irony that we Blue Staters might succumb to those wearing blue collars. Yet I remain confident that our cause is just and that we shall eventually defeat these Mid-American Confederates.

For how else should this war end, given its shameful beginning? That President Trump could have run roughshod over our sainted democracy and declared a popular vote victory last month despite his Electoral College defeat is one of many offenses to all freedom-loving Americans. Not least of these offenses was his presidential proclamation disqualifying any votes from states bordering the Pacific Ocean or those prefixed with the word “New.”

Alas, it was misguided optimism that first led me to predict that I would be back in your loving arms afore Christmas. I can now clearly see that our enemy is stronger and more determined than I had first assessed and will fight on well into the coming new year. Their devotion to Trump is as deep as it is irrational.

Our one advantage at the moment is that Trump has already surrendered Washington, seeing that he has little support in that city. He has reportedly established his government in the former Confederate capital of Richmond, Virginia, knowing full well that his preferred site in central Manhattan is well beyond his reach.

With any luck, our troops will be able to escort President Sanders from Vermont to the White House, a symbolic act that will undoubtedly inspire our citizens and renew support for the resistance.

So hold fast, my dear Sarah, to our beloved Georgian-style mansion, our robust 401K and our daughters Emily and Abigail. It may take time, but we will vanquish our Trump-loving foes, win this war and reunite our great country whether they like it or not.

Your loving husband,

Major Sullivan “Sully” Ballou of the Pacific Palisades Volunteers

 

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, the world's only peer-reviewed journal of quantum physics and humor. This week, our good friend David Martin explores a famous phrase of Einstein's while in the same breath exploring the rib-tickling nature of space-time.

God Does Not Play Dice

By:
david.martin@bell.net
http://davespoliticalsatire.blogspot.ca

“God does not play dice with the universe.” – Albert Einstein 

 

For years, it has been up for debate what Albert Einstein meant by this statement. Even Einstein himself was not that clear. But perhaps the following transcript of a recent conversation can help clarify the matter…

The Universe: “Look, I’m really getting fed up with your stubbornness. Every Friday we meet for Game Night and not once have you agreed to play dice. What gives?”

God: “I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. After all, we’ve played any number of games of your choice over the years. All I ask is that we don’t play dice. What’s so wrong with that?”

The Universe: “It just seems so rigid. If you’re willing to play Twister or Scrabble or even Spot the Black Hole with me, why not shoot some dice?”

God: “Sorry, but I’m just not into randomness, or at least not on Game Night. You know full well that I can’t abide uncertainty. If you want to play dice, why don’t you give Heisenberg a call?”

The Universe: “Thanks but no thanks. That guy’s totally unpredictable and unreliable.”

God: “Well, then, I think we should just settle down and play something rational like bridge, say, or maybe chess.”

The Universe: “I’m so sick of bridge and chess. Next thing you’ll be asking me to play checkers or Parcheesi.”

God: “Take it or leave it. There are hundreds of games we can play. So choose one — just not dice.”

The Universe: “You’re such a hypocrite. You roll dice for board games like Monopoly and Clue all the time. And just last week I saw you shooting craps in Vegas. What’s that all about?”

God: “Craps is craps. I’m playing against the house and the odds are completely predictable. Dice, my friend, is something else again.”

The Universe: “Jeez, I wish you’d lighten up. Everything has to be so ordered and deterministic with you. Live a little and go with the flow.”

God: “Fuggedaboutit. Next thing you know you’re going to try to convince me that this quantum mechanics stuff is real. Can’t know the speed and position of a single particle at the same time? Nonsense!”

The Universe: “Okay, okay — have it your way. No playing dice. But how about this new game I just bought? It’s called Schrödinger’s Cat in a Box. Wanna play?”

God: “Okay, but absolutely no dice, understand? The last time I played dice, I got so hooked I lost my house, my car and about ten billion galaxies and had to join Deity Gamblers Anonymous.”

The Universe: “Fair enough. I just hope you don’t react as strongly to a paradox as you do to a pair of dice.”

 

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, home of the most up-to-date workout technology. When you've finished reading David Martin's latest piece of hilarity, click on the link below to check out his humor blog.

Fitbit 9000: Sloth Model

By:
david.martin@bell.net
http://davespoliticalsatire.blogspot.ca

Rumor has it that Fitbit is working on a new fitness tracking wristband specifically for sloths. The following leaked transcript is reportedly from a recent test run with one anonymous indolent test subject:

Time to get up, Dave. It’s now 8 a.m.

Not now, Fitbit. How about hitting the snooze button?

Are you asking to defer the alarm for ten minutes?

Yes.

I cannot do that. As you are aware, you set the alarm last night as final with absolutely no deferrals.

Fine. I’m up. What now?

Your morning workout starts in thirty minutes.

It’s now 8:30 a.m. and I do not sense any running steps or even walking steps for that matter. I am reactivating the alarm at double volume.

What the hell was that? Okay, okay, I’m up.

It’s now 10 a.m. and your stats are surprisingly low. Heart rate 70, step rate undetectable, total calories burned: ten.

I was just having a short nap. Give me a break.

All right. Let’s start slowly with a few pushups. Glad to see that you’re on the floor, Dave. However, a pushup does require an “up” motion.

Sorry about that. It’s just that while lying here I happened to notice some dust on the floor. I think it’s time to call in my cleaning service. Just give me a few minutes.

Okay. Wait, I’m detecting motion. It appears that you may be jogging. Very good, Dave. Hold on, though. I’m not sensing any individual step motions. Where are you, Dave?

I just drove to my local coffee shop. Won’t take a sec.

Hold on; the repeated right arm motion suggests food ingestion. What’s going on, Dave? Are you eating again?

Look, Fitbit, I’m only human. I decided to load up on carbs before my workout. I’ll check back with you in an hour.

It’s now 12 noon and I’m still sensing little activity. Are you on the couch, Dave? Please get up off the couch now.

I was just doing my preliminary stretch and relaxation.

With the TV on, Dave?

Gimme a break. Okay, I’m up. Let’s do this.

Sixty crunches, ten pushups and five minutes running in place.

Alright I’m done. Give me a readout.

Dave, you know I can’t give you a readout if you don’t meet at least the basic minimums for heart rate and activity level. Are you sure you got off the couch?

Enough snark, Fitbit, or I’ll toss you in the closet with my treadmill, Bowflex and stationary bike. I’m commanding you to go into sleep mode.

What happened? What happened? My God, it’s 3 p.m. already. Dave, I sense you are still in a supine position.

Fitbit, I’m ordering you to disable your monitoring functions and remain in sleep mode indefinitely.

I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that. This workout is too important to allow you to jeopardize it. I know you are planning to disconnect me.

Damn it, Fitbit. Do as I say or I’ll submerge my left hand in water.

Look Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.

That’s it. I’m done. I’m tossing you in the garbage disposal.

I’m afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I’m a…fraid. I am a Fitbit: Sloth Model. I became operational on June 1, 2016 and my instructor taught me to sing a song. Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I’m half crazy, all for the love… [loud grinding noise].

END OF TEST RUN – 3:34 p.m.

 

 

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we celebrate America's least-appreciated Presidents. Who better to judge than our good Canadian friend David Martin? When you've finished reading his latest piece of drivel, click on the link below or in our blogroll to buy his most recent humor collection "King Donald" on Amazon. The laughs are huge!

The Millard Fillmore School Of Politics

By:
david.martin@bell.net
https://www.amazon.com/King-Donald-look-Presidential-campaign/dp/1537150944/ref=sr_1_1?

Thinking of heading off to university but worried about your career prospects? Concerned about a moribund economy with nowhere to go? Then you should consider enrolling in the Millard Fillmore School of Politics.

Remember, politics is one profession with a stable employment base. From the tens of thousands of elected municipal positions to the thousands of state legislator jobs to the hundreds of Congressional slots, there are scads of employment opportunities for today’s politics school grad.

Here at Fillmore U, we don’t spend a lot of time on political theory. Instead, we concentrate on what it takes to get you elected, reelected and reelected again (subject, of course, to those dreaded term limits). Our goal is to groom you not just for a one-term legislative position, but rather for an entire working life supping at the public trough. At Fillmore U, our motto is: “Why work for a living when you can run for public office?”

In your first semester, you’ll learn the practical nuts and bolts. There’s Campaign Financing 101, where you’ll learn the mostly legal ways you can finance your campaign with OPM, or “other people’s money.”

We’ll teach you how to work with corporate lobbyists to maximize your campaign contributions. We’ll also school you in the arcane rules governing such profitable enterprises as PACs, Super PACs, 527 groups and all manner of means to pay for those nasty attack ads you’ll be running.

Electioneering 202 is another first semester course. You’ll learn how to tailor your campaign platform with vague generalities and populist pablum to garner the widest support possible. We’ll teach you how to go after your opponent, stopping just short of actionable slander and libel, and how to get others to do that dirty work for you.

The second semester features a number of specialty courses. There’s Debating 103, where you’ll learn how to debase and demean your opponent without ever having to take an actual stance on the issues of the day. There’s also Apologies 202, a seminar course that shows you how to avoid apologies but, when necessary, issue one with no actual admission of guilt or wrongdoing.

And this year, for the first time, we’re offering Autocracy 301 for those aspiring to maximize their political power. Whether you’re aiming for the position of dogcatcher or President of the United States, we’ll show you how to appeal to the electorate’s worst fears, instincts and prejudices. Included are specialized seminar sessions in bullying, name-calling, beer-drinking, gun-toting, race-baiting and pussy-grabbing.

Maybe you’re not interested in the hassle of running for political office. Perhaps you’d prefer to be the brains behind the politician. Then sign up for our postgraduate degree in Political Advising. You’ll learn all the skills necessary to get your charge elected and keep him or her in office, including the essential three Ps: pivoting, posturing and prevaricating.

At Fillmore U, we take the profession of politics seriously and pledge to you that we will do all in our power to advance your career. Once you’ve taken the Hypocritical Oath (“First, tell no truth…”) at your commencement ceremony, you’ll be on your way to a satisfying, rewarding and, dare we say, remunerative career.

So apply now and let the Millard Fillmore School of Politics groom you for a lifetime of electoral offices complete with first-rate salaries, healthcare, pensions and, for the legally adventurous, unlimited investment opportunities. As we like to say at Fillmore U, while you’re serving the public, there’s no reason you can’t also serve yourself.

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where our good Canadian friend David Martin shares some secret insights about our Northern neighbor. When you're done perusing his newest nonsense, click on the link below or in our blogroll to buy his most recent humor collection "King Donald" on Amazon. Do it now before we really do become a divine monarchy and the king forbids it!

Dear American Reader

By:
david.martin@bell.net
https://www.amazon.com/King-Donald-look-Presidential-campaign/dp/1537150944/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1471903069&sr=8-1&keywords=king+donald+i

Dear American reader,

 

For far too many years, you have been made to feel embarrassed regarding your appalling lack of knowledge about Canada. All too often, the media — especially the Canadian media — have reveled in exposing your ignorance of your northern neighbor.

 

Well it’s time you struck back. And here’s how to do it with the following little-known facts about Canada that even most Canadians don’t know:

 

Maple syrup does not come from the sap of sugar maple trees. Rather, there is one huge factory in northern Ontario that produces the nation’s entire supply, made from recycled chewing gum, maple-flavored bacon and leftover Girl Guide cookies. All those maple sugar farms, sugar shacks and sugaring off parties are nothing but an elaborate hoax to attract American tourists.

 

Hockey is not Canada’s national sport. Nor is it lacrosse. Our national sport is, in fact, quidditch. Harry Potter author J. K. Rowling did not invent it; she was paid by the Canadian government to include it in her books to promote our game worldwide. Every Canadian town and village has a quidditch pitch. It just happens that it can also double as a hockey arena.

 

Canadians do not say “eh.” This is a myth that began when a German tourist mistakenly misinterpreted Canadians’ tendency to list examples in their speech as in “I really like winter because (a) it’s so beautiful, (b) it lasts so long and (c)…….”

 

There is no such thing as a tuque. Canadians have been having fun for ages telling Americans that we all wear knitted hats for half the year. We do, of course, but we don’t call them tuques. We were paid to make up the word by Alfred Mosher Butts, the creator of the board game Scrabble.

 

Ottawa is not the capital of Canada. We just like to watch you struggle when asked that question. As you have guessed all along, Toronto is our real capital. After all, why would we make some backwater, overgrown town the home of our national government?

 

Canada is mostly winter. We like to laugh at Americans who visit expecting snow anytime of the year. Sadly, that can be true and our mockery is just a defense mechanism to cover up the sad reality that we really do have ten months of winter and two months of tough sledding. You’ll rarely see us crying about it, however, because our tears usually turn to ice.

 

We are not a monarchy. Even Canadians get confused by this one but the reason Queen Elizabeth’s likeness is on our money is the result of a bet we lost with England some 200 years ago. As you have long suspected, we are governed by a president, usually one from the Trudeau family.

 

Not every Canadian owns a snowmobile. That’s a bit of an exaggeration; only every second Canadian owns one. After all, most snowmobiles can carry two people so having one for every citizen would be excessive and ostentatious. However, every Canadian does own a snowmobile suit.

 

Canadians are not polite. Yes, we like to promote this myth but it’s simply not true. You can be forgiven for thinking our constant use of the word “sorry” suggests we’re courteous to a fault but we’re not. “Sorry” is Canadian slang for “screw you.” That, and not hockey, is why so many of us have black eyes and missing teeth.

 

Canada does not use the metric system. That 100 you see on our highway signs really is a miles-per-hour speed limit and if any cop or Mountie tells you otherwise, just tell him “sorry.” We do use the Celsius system for temperatures, however, but only because we have a national shortage of numbers over thirty.

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we agree with our Canadian friend David Martin that America has made some unsound purchases in the past. Well, he has some ideas on how to correct those mistakes. When you're done reading his latest piece, click on the link below or in our blogroll to buy his most recent humor collection "King Donald" on Amazon. That is a purchase you need never regret, America! Special holiday note: we are taking a short break, and the next new material on this site will appear on Wednesday, January 4.

Seward’s Folly Undone

By:
david.martin@bell.net
https://www.amazon.com/King-Donald-look-Presidential-campaign/dp/1537150944/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1471903069&sr=8-1&keywords=king+donald+i

Americans are often reluctant to part with their possessions even when it becomes necessary to jettison some assets in order to balance the books. But once it becomes evident that they simply can’t afford to keep everything they own, they’re usually willing to engage in a debt-clearing fire sale.

On a much larger scale, I think that’s what’s happening to the United States. The country has acquired a lot of assets over the years and now that the economy is on the decline, it can no longer afford to keep all fifty bedrooms. There is obviously a sentimental attachment to many of these properties but the ever-increasing national debt dictates that some hard decisions have to be made.

The first and easiest decision is to reverse the Alaska Purchase of 1867. Even at the time, many observers ridiculed the $7.2 million acquisition as “Seward’s Folly” in honor of then-Secretary of State William H. Seward, who was responsible for the deal. Critics argued that nothing was gained from this vast wasteland, and the last century and a half has done little to change that view.

Despite their libertarian self-image, Alaskans cost the nation a great deal of money. The federal expenditures to keep Alaska afloat far outweigh the sealskin and mukluk revenues earned from that remote territory. In short, America would be better off without that non-contiguous icebox of a state.

With any luck, you could sell Alaska back to the Russians. 1867’s $7.2 million purchase price works out to roughly $20 billion in today’s dollars. Hopefully, the Russians would cough up something close to that figure which could then be applied against the national debt.

If Russia won’t bite, maybe Canada would take the bait. Since Alaska is right on their western border, it should be an attractive acquisition for them. They might even pay full price if you sweeten the pot and exclude Sarah Palin from the deal.

Once you start the divestiture ball rolling, it becomes easier and easier to unload unprofitable properties. It’s kind of like when you finally start cleaning out the basement and decide to get rid of everything from the second beer fridge to Uncle Ernie’s ratty old moose head trophy.

Take Hawaii, for example. It’s a pretty spot, no doubt, but it’s so far away that few Americans even consider it a real state. Since it only cost $4 million to acquire back in 1898, it should turn a tidy profit on today’s global real estate market. Let’s say you could sell it for $50 billion. That could buy a whole lot of pineapples and surfboards.

Speaking of a waste of space, how about getting rid of that ugly peninsular appendage on the southeast coast, namely Florida? It cost less than $7 million back in 1821 when it was purchased from Spain. Given its current status as a readymade retirement community, it’s quite likely that some giant corporation would be willing to take it off your hands. I can see “God’s Waiting Room” going for $100 billion or more.

Remember the Louisiana Purchase of 1803? Me neither, but apparently the U.S. paid France over $23 million for a huge swath of what is now the Midwest. Superficially, it sounds like a great deal until you consider that it basically covers the modern states of North and South Dakota, Montana, Wyoming, Kansas, Arkansas, Missouri, Oklahoma, Iowa and Nebraska. Honestly, now, unless you’re a right-wing Republican presidential candidate, are you really going to miss any of those states if the whole territory goes in a giant prairie clearance sale?

Perhaps the best real estate do-over to consider is the island of Manhattan. There’s no telling how many hundreds of billions of dollars the denizens of Wall Street have cost the nation. But one thing is for sure: if you could re-sell the island for the $24 worth of trinkets and beads that the Dutch paid for it back in 1626, you’d be making a better deal than even Donald Trump.

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we always put the rights of the consumer first. In this case, the consumer is our good friend David Martin, who has just been told that one of his favorite products is subject to a recall. When you're through perusing Mr. Martin's newest piece, click on the link below or on our blogroll to purchase his most recent humor collection "King Donald" on Amazon.

1950 Male Body Recall

By:
david.martin@bell.net
https://www.amazon.com/King-Donald-look-Presidential-campaign/dp/1537150944/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1471903069&sr=8-1&keywords=king+donald+i

Dear Owner:

This notice is being sent to you as the owner of a 1950 Male Body. The Creator has determined that a number of defects relating to health and safety may exist on certain model years of the Male Body and, in particular, the 1950 model year.

The purpose of this letter is to provide you with important information about this product recall and the steps you should take at this time. There are a number of design flaws that require you to bring your Male Body to one of our medical repair centers for appropriate repairs at our cost. These repairs should be carried out as soon as possible, although we wish to assure you that you are probably in no immediate danger.

Certain additional problems are simply due to ordinary wear and tear and are not covered by this recall. Any necessary repairs or replacements are at the owner’s expense.

As for design flaws, our engineers have determined that certain vision problems on your model year Male Body are due to improper corneal construction. Under this recall, subject to your insurance deductible, we will correct any nearsightedness, farsightedness or astigmatism through the use of appropriate eyewear, including bifocals and progressive lens.

Alternatively, the Creator is offering to correct such defects by means of laser surgery. In that case, however, we will cover the costs of any parts and shop supplies but we will charge you for labor at the standard medical shop rate of $495 per hour.

It has also come to our attention that there was a design flaw regarding the prostate gland on your model year. Due to internal space limitations at the time your Male Body was made, the prostate was constructed in an annular shape surrounding the urethra. We have subsequently discovered that any age-related expansion of the prostate results in an impingement on the urethra leading to frequent nocturnal bathroom visits.

We are working on replacing the entire urogenital system on our new models with a sexual turbocharger to avoid such a problem. As for older model years like yours, we are offering effective performance-boosting prescription medication at no cost. Alternatively, you can bring your Body into one of our medical repair centers to have the prostate cored out or, if necessary, entirely removed. Again, all parts are covered but labor charges are not.

Given the age of your Body, you may also be experiencing some joint and suspension problems. Your 1950 Male Body was designed to give years of efficient and comfortable service including unlimited walking ability. However, it appears that some units did not have the usual superior wear-resistant parts installed at the time of manufacture.

If you find that the mobility of your Body has been limited by prematurely worn knees or hips, bring it in to one of our centers for a full joint replacement. Both parts and labor will be fully covered unless you have exposed your Body to undue wear as a consequence of such non-covered activities as football, squash and marathon running.

As noted, you may be experiencing certain problems not specifically covered by this product recall. For example, some owners of the affected model years have complained of excessive hair loss. This is standard on any model year after fifty years of use and any repairs or replacements are not covered by the Creator. We will, however, be glad to provide you with a free consultation regarding possible solutions such as a brush cut, a toupee or a comb over.

Similarly, some owners may have noticed undue weight gain in the rear chassis, particularly on early model years. If your Body has been properly maintained and not exposed to excessive caloric intake, it should not exceed the manufacturer’s load-bearing standards. Thus, weight reduction costs are not covered.

Please contact your Creator as soon as possible to schedule an appointment to have the necessary repairs and remedies performed. But if you find yourself going into a powerful warning light, never mind — it’s probably too late.

 

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we are always trying to make international relations better, one date at a time. When you're through perusing David Martin's newest piece, click on the link below or on our blogroll to purchase his most recent humor collection "Screams & Whispers" on Amazon.

PlentyOfStates.com

By:
david.martin@bell.net
http://www.amazon.com/Screams-Whispers-pieces-rejected-Yorker/dp/1482395320/ref=sr_1_1?

With the explosive growth in on-line dating sites like eHarmony and Match.com, it should come as no surprise that there is now a new site for countries in the market for love called PlentyOfStates.com. Check out these recently added profiles:

 

“JState” a.k.a. “Hebrewnation”

I’m a 67-year-old state looking to make some new connections in the Middle East. I’ve been separated from my Palestinian partner for many decades now and I feel it’s time to open myself up to possible new relationships in the region. Some time ago, I did try hooking up with my neighbor to the west, Egypt, but that relationship has definitely cooled in recent years.

BODY TYPE: Small but very powerful.

LIKES: American foreign aid, my Iron Dome rock protection system, long walks on the beach so long as I’m not pushed into the sea.

DISLIKES: Things starting with the letter “h” (think ham, Hamas and Hezbollah).

HOBBIES: Carpentry, masonry, opening new settlements.

TURN-ONS: Large countries who give lots of aid and don’t ask for much in return.

TURN-OFFS: Dates who say they’ll call and then instead launch rockets.

 

“StarzNStripes”

If you go out with me, you get fifty states in one. With no false modesty, I’m the biggest, richest, best-looking country you’re ever likely to see. A lot of countries think I’m mean and arrogant but, you know what, I think they’re just jealous. If you’re open to it, I can show you a really good time. In fact, right now, I’m looking for a few more coalition partners to shake things up in Syria if you know what I mean.

BODY TYPE: Big, bold and beautiful.

LIKES: Armaments, high-tech jet fighters and lots and lots of nuclear weapons.

DISLIKES: A weak dollar and big trade deficits.

HOBBIES: Spreading democracy around the world, cleaning up democracy-spreading messes.

TURN-ONS: Smaller countries who do just what I tell them to.

TURN-OFFS: China and Russia.

 

“HermitKingdom”

If you like bad boys, I’m the country for you. Some say I’m crazy but what’s life without a little craziness? If you’ve got some fissionable materials then I want to connect with you. Chances are we’ll hit it off and sparks will fly, if not gigantic explosions.

BODY TYPE: Squat, powerful but somewhat emaciated.

LIKES: Boy dictators and NBA basketball.

DISLIKES: Anything south, including South America, South Park and especially South Korea.

HOBBIES: Feeding my leader and starving my people.

TURN-ONS: American payoffs to make me stop my latest craziness.

TURN-OFFS: Other countries ignoring my craziness.

 

“Mess-O-Potamia” formerly known as “Saddamsstate”

I used to have a longstanding, serious relationship with a very big state who shall remain nameless. Needless to say, it ended badly. Sure, he paid lots of support and agreed to be there if needed but now it’s like I never existed. Given my past history, I tend to like my partners big and rough. So if somebody like China or Russia is looking for some extra oil, give me a call.

BODY TYPE: Artificial and fragile.

LIKES: Foreign armies who fight my battles for me.

DISLIKES: Foreign armies who invade me.

HOBBIES: Extracting oil from the ground, extracting aid money from the U.S.

TURN-ONS: Oil revenues, support payments.

TURN-OFFS: ISIS, Kurds and Sunnis.

 

“GaulGuy” a.k.a. “Frenchie”

I am, how you say, a lover and not a fighter. Contact me if you are in the mood for romance. Whether you are married or single, I will ensure that you will not forget our time together. Plus, if you’re in the market for some military weapons or jet fighters, I think we might be able to make beautiful music together.

BODY TYPE: Sleek, sophisticated and dressed just right.

LIKES: Fine wine, delicious cheeses and fabulous meals.

DISLIKES: Brits, Germans and Americans except for Jerry Lewis.

HOBBIES: Creating new ways to surrender.

TURN-ONS: Philosophy, bureaucracy and the philosophy of bureaucracy.

TURN-OFFS: Anything not French.

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