Office Holiday Party Guidelines

By: Jimmy Chen


People are encouraged to dress as well as possible. For men, a good tip is to wear the same outfit you wore on your initial interview for employment here at Copy Ink, Inc. If you wore a tie, we know you own at least one tie. Women should wear dresses that complement their body without exaggerating its proportions. Strapless dresses must be secured with double-sided tape. Dress hems should be below the knee. 5-inch heels will not bring you closer to God.


Arriving fashionably late is so 90’s. Welcome to the 21st Century, where people are secure enough about themselves to arrive 10 minutes early without feeling vulnerable and desperate. This administrator promises you that he will be there at 5:50 p.m. sharp and go straight for the crab cakes. Should you arrive at a European-oriented 8 p.m., the crab cakes will have changed their form in the stomach acid of your administrator.


Stuffed mushrooms are the perfect circumference and texture for choking. Only those in Human Resources are allowed to perform the Heimlich on chokers. HR representatives encroaching from behind will introduce themselves by saying: “We care about you; please lean over.” If a particle of food is launched into the air from a well-placed abdominal thrust, do not scream or attempt to dodge the offending airborne object. If it lands on your plate, tactfully move it to the side and continue eating.


The Kenny Band will be performing covers of Kenny Loggins, Kenny Rogers, and Kenny G. The exact ratio of the songs is undisclosed. Dance music will be provided by William Murray, a.k.a. “DJ Bill.” Bill sports a spray-on tan, and his hair is covered in a thin layer of oil. The floor may be slippery within a 3 ft. radius of him. Please take caution when dancing in that area.


This administrator will be bartender. He will moderate your alcohol intake based on body weight. If you are driving, you will be limited to one drink per 60 lbs. If you are not driving, you will be allowed one drink per 25 lbs. A special exception to this rule applies to Jr. Associates, who evoke empathy because of their treacherous hours at work. There will be a special mini-pool full of Tequila they are welcome to bathe in. Appropriate swimwear is mandatory.


Jungle Joe, whose specialty is ventriloquism and illusions, will be entertaining your kids. He will be bringing a plethora of stuffed animals, two of which are a raccoon and a skunk. Nobody is sure what his illusions will entail. This might be overwhelming for children under 2 yrs. Jungle Joe has a full beard, is of a swarthy complexion, and rather looks like his stuffed monkey — making his ventriloquism all the more complex and ironic for adults. For children, however, this might be extremely confusing. Please remove your child from the room if they begin crying.


There are many squirrels outside. Only feed them unshelled and unsalted nuts. If you encounter a Flying Squirrel, realize that that is a misnomer. This squirrel, short of finding a branch, will fall. If the squirrel lands on your face, it will claw you out of confusion. Please close your eyes tightly. Also, if you are inebriated, do not pass out. Crows will interpret a supine position as being near death. These birds will attack your entrails. If you must lie on the ground to recover, rotate your arms around at an even pace to assert your cognizance and strength. Designated fire drill leaders will come to your aid, and for those who have asked, no, workman’s comp will not cover any injuries inflicted by squirrels or crows.


One’s beauty is a slippery thing, and is enhanced in dim lighting, especially when augmented with alcohol. Your peers may — for some inexplicable reason — look somewhat attractive during this night. Think of your spouse and children. Do not follow whatever amorous inclinations might cause your fickle loins to pulsate. Calmly take a cube of ice and melt it on your brow. What happens at Copy Ink, Inc. does not stay at Copy Ink, Inc.


One thought on “Office Holiday Party Guidelines

  1. “If you encounter a Flying Squirrel, realize that that is a misnomer. This squirrel, short of finding a branch, will fall. If the squirrel lands on your face, it will claw you out of confusion.” Seriously, Jimmy, you’re my hero.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *