Excerpts From Breakup Notes By Famous Writers

By: Ryan McDermott


Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, I do think I shall compare thee to sewage and refuse.

Charles Dickens:

It was the best of times and it was the worst of times, but mostly it was the worst of times.

J.D. Salinger:

I fell in love with you goddamn it. I thought I knew you. You just turned out to be a goddamn phony.

Mark Twain:

A lie can travel around the world before truth can get its pants on, but I saw the darn truth. I saw that guy in your room without his pants on.

Allen Ginsberg:

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, and you.

Ernest Hemingway:

We dated. It was good. Then it got bad. We went fishing to try to fix it. That didn’t work. I took you to a bullfight. You didn’t like it. We drank wine in Paris and that didn’t help. Now it’s over.

Chuck Palahniuk:

There was vomit everywhere, dripping down the side of the bed with all the other bodily fluids. I barfed because I never really cared for how you look.

Sun Tzu:

All warfare is based on deception. Apparently our relationship was too.

William F. Buckley Jr.:

Our romantic accord was pulchritudinous but it must come to a surcease because it was a malapropos and your congeries of furtive prevarications have led me to regard you with sheer animadversion.

Emily Dickinson:

The brain is wider than the sky, and so is your lazy ass.

Hunter S. Thompson:

We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers. Too bad we didn’t have any love.

Charles Bukowski:

The whores down on Sunset Boulevard crowded around near the smack addicts and the winos. I saw you were one of the whores. I never had a damn clue.

Edgar Allen Poe:

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary, over a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore, all about how happy I was before you came along Lenore. Now quit rapping at my chamber door.

Dr. Seuss:

Oh how you used to be so cool, now I wish you would drown in the pool.

T.S. Eliot:

April is the cruelest month. Is it any coincidence that is when we started dating?

Kurt Vonnegut:

You pretended to be faithful. I guess I was wrong when I said you are what you pretend to be. So it goes.


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