* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we are still recovering from our last breakup. Fortunately, we are not alone. In fact, many of the world's most famous writers are just as hurt and angry as we are. Only a bit more eloquent, as Ryan McDermott rewrites them.

Excerpts From Breakup Notes By Famous Writers

By: Ryan McDermott


Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, I do think I shall compare thee to sewage and refuse.

Charles Dickens:

It was the best of times and it was the worst of times, but mostly it was the worst of times.

J.D. Salinger:

I fell in love with you goddamn it. I thought I knew you. You just turned out to be a goddamn phony.

Mark Twain:

A lie can travel around the world before truth can get its pants on, but I saw the darn truth. I saw that guy in your room without his pants on.

Allen Ginsberg:

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, and you.

Ernest Hemingway:

We dated. It was good. Then it got bad. We went fishing to try to fix it. That didn’t work. I took you to a bullfight. You didn’t like it. We drank wine in Paris and that didn’t help. Now it’s over.

Chuck Palahniuk:

There was vomit everywhere, dripping down the side of the bed with all the other bodily fluids. I barfed because I never really cared for how you look.

Sun Tzu:

All warfare is based on deception. Apparently our relationship was too.

William F. Buckley Jr.:

Our romantic accord was pulchritudinous but it must come to a surcease because it was a malapropos and your congeries of furtive prevarications have led me to regard you with sheer animadversion.

Emily Dickinson:

The brain is wider than the sky, and so is your lazy ass.

Hunter S. Thompson:

We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers. Too bad we didn’t have any love.

Charles Bukowski:

The whores down on Sunset Boulevard crowded around near the smack addicts and the winos. I saw you were one of the whores. I never had a damn clue.

Edgar Allen Poe:

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary, over a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore, all about how happy I was before you came along Lenore. Now quit rapping at my chamber door.

Dr. Seuss:

Oh how you used to be so cool, now I wish you would drown in the pool.

T.S. Eliot:

April is the cruelest month. Is it any coincidence that is when we started dating?

Kurt Vonnegut:

You pretended to be faithful. I guess I was wrong when I said you are what you pretend to be. So it goes.