Contemporary Directors Do America’s Funniest Home Videos

By: Whitney Collins

Jerry Bruckheimer Does Skittish, Jumpy, Overreacting Cats

This opens to a sunrise on an aircraft carrier, or a helicopter crash in enemy territory, and some cat is going ape to a Kenny Loggins guitar solo. Next, there’s a silhouette shot as a cat jumps up on all fours, because of a moth or a mouse or a MiG-21. Whatever the case, in Scene 3, there is no feline, just somebody looking hot in uniform. Probably Val Kilmer. Now, cut to a tabby on the Sergeant’s ceiling fan, a Persian in the locker room getting snapped by a towel, and a calico walking through a Miami crime scene. Finally, three kittens claw the patch off Johnny Depp’s eye. People say cats are hard to direct, but they don’t know Nicolas Cage. One last thing: it fades out with a cat running into a plate glass patio door that looks open but isn’t. That’s funny as all hell.

Stanley Kubrick Does Fathers Getting Nailed In The Groin

Here, a bunch of dads and kids bide their time in a white room heavy on crown molding and velvet drapes; in the background are crates of economy-size cans of franks-and-beans. The children are dressed in pastel bunny costumes and jazz plays on a phonograph. Or better still: off-key polka. Next, the children are given antique badminton racquets while shuttlecocks are affixed to each father’s crotch. Then things just get confusing. There’s maniacal laughter; a toilet in the corner (clean then dirty, clean then dirty); and a close-up of the phonograph needle stuck on a merry stretch of music. It might end with a lingering shot of a father whose head is tilted down and eyes are peering up, but it’ll probably just close with an overly theatrical whack to the groin. Either that, or a giant teddy bear wielding an obelisk.

John Hughes Does Babies Eating Peas

This one stars a baby dressed in pink training bra; a dumb, muscular baby; a baby with dandruff; a baby wearing a headgear; and a baby with horrendously huge nostrils who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about anything. The babies sit around most of the day not eating their peas, knowing that by the end of the day, they’ll have to either eat their peas or mug for the camera. That is, unless someone hid some weed in a sippy cup. Yay! Baby-with-the-headgear did! Also, John Candy comes in periodically to change diapers and the soundtrack is comprised of Psychedelic Furs songs that aren’t good, but everyone pretends are.

The Coen Brothers Do People Falling At Wedding Receptions

Sounds cliché, but this probably begins with the camera rushing forward as a clumsy guest foxtrots into a wood chipper or a bloody snow bank or straight into John Goodman’s gut. Or maybe it features a trippy dream sequence of bridesmaids floating over the Exxon Valdez crisis while a narrator quotes Aristotle in an Oregon accent. Hmm. Or how about all the weddings are set in Omaha and all the men are incompetent? Wait. That’s not the Coen brothers. That’s Alexander Payne. Same difference. Anyway, I bet ultimately they just get Cameron Diaz to play a disabled golfer who can’t cut the cake for Jim Carrey, the schizophrenic groom.

Judd Apatow Does People Feeding Zoo Animals But Then Something Goes Hysterically Wrong

This one’s easy: a bunch of grandpas attempt to feed elephants peanuts while Russell Brand and Will Ferrell get overly friendly with said elephants from behind. Body fluids should probably be involved, but since this is a family show, the grandpas will probably just vomit on one another.

M. Night Shyamalan Does The $10,000 Winner Thing

It comes down to these four:

“Man Hides Rubber Snake In Cookie Jar; Toddler Wets Pants”
“Great Aunt Betsy’s Dentures Fall Into Chili Pot”
“Fat Man Loses Toupee On Roller Coaster”
“Lady Drives ATV Into Chicken Coop”

And the winner is…Well. There is no winner. This isn’t a reality show. This is a classic Shyamalan world-within-a-world and every audience member is a prisoner, forced to watch videos symbolic of his or her meaningless life. Haven’t you always thought audience members laughed in a very forced, secretly terrified way? Yes. This is actually hell and Tom Bergeron and Bob Saget are campaigning for Devil. How’s that for a twist? Definitely better than The Village, right? And certainly not based on a crappy Nickelodeon show.


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