* Welcome to The Big Jewel, which is often cruising for a bruising, but right now is simply cruising for a cruise, courtesy of our good friend Dan Fiorella.

#Live Tweeting My Cruise

By:
daf118@aol.com
danfiorella.com

Going on my first cruise. I can’t believe it’s here! #excited #BonVoyage

I was going to post that the food here is amazing. Turns out it was just a hot dog guy outside the port. I wasn’t on the ship yet. Fingers crossed. #HotDog

I think the cruise director used to be with Menudo.

I needed an extra towel for some…spillage. When I went to find the steward in the hall, he was talking heatedly with several other stewards. It was a stew of stewards! #LOL

What cruise companies don’t advertise is that any pool can become a wave pool if the seas are rough enough. #RidingTheWaves

The Captain announced the seas were a little choppy because we were sailing into the Gulf Stream. But our waiter at dinner insists it’s because Poseidon is angered by our “landlubber ways.” He says the captain “ought to know better” and that the chicken is “especially good tonight.”

Happy to learn there are no Legionnaires on board, so that’s one less disease to worry about! Now I just have to avoid this malaise the crew keeps muttering about. #Airborne

A big fight broke out at the poolside “Full Moon Party” tonight. It was Electric Sliders vs. Cotton Eye Joes! #TeamMacarena

I’m still upset that the karaoke guy didn’t have the full version of “Lydia the Tattooed Lady.” I’m sure I would have won! And there was a lot more flogging of the waitstaff than I thought necessary. #KaraokeKing @GrouchoMarx

Our shuffleboard game was interrupted by some crew members arguing about the captain’s plan to sail through the Bermuda Triangle to avoid some bad weather ahead. They said it was the “last straw.” I guess I have to switch to drinks with little umbrellas, then.

We had a lifeboat drill today! It wasn’t so bad, even if the crew members kept muttering that “Lifeboats won’t do no good in the Triangle.” #BePrepared

Surprisingly there are only a few fish entrees on the menu in the ship’s fancy restaurant. I thought they would have caught a lot more fish by now. Plus all the knives are gone.

It was Captain’s Night. Got to meet the captain! I asked him “Who’s steering the boat?” Oh, how we laughed. Then his second mate whispered something in his ear and he hurried off. #Iceberg? JK!

I realize now my entire knowledge of cruise ships is based on watching Titanic, The Poseidon Adventure, and the stateroom scene from A Night at the Opera.

Saw an amazing show last night featuring all the understudies from all the biggest Broadway hits! It must be a tricky adjustment for the actors, having to learn stage right and stage left and now stage port and stage starboard. #BroadwayAtSea

Had breakfast in my stateroom this morning. Pancakes, bacon and sausage! Also a cryptic note warning passengers to stay in their rooms tonight. This worries me because it’s 80s Music Trivia Dance Party at the Main Lounge! #Culture Club

Why won’t anyone believe me when I tell them there’s a chocolate fountain over by the dessert station? They’re all just too wrapped up in the mutiny rumors! #TeamChocolateFountain

The stand-up comic wasn’t that good. The crew made him walk the plank. That struck me as harsh.

I am the captain! Though a remarkable series of events I’m now commanding the ship! All because I was doing my Capt. Phillips bit and the mutineers heard me say “Look at me. I am the captain now.” And they just believed me! Crazy, right? @TomHanks 1/3

I’ve called in to work and said I’m extending my vacation for the foreseeable future. We’ll be sailing the high seas. Maybe even spend an extra night in Bermuda! #AhoyMatey 2/3

And the chocolate fountain is now out 24/7! #excited #BonVoyage 3/3

 

 

 

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, the literary humor site that brings lonely people together with people they should probably avoid as if their life depended on it. At least that seems to be what Dan Fiorella thinks we do.

Missed Connection

By:
daf118@aol.com
danfiorella.com

I would never normally try posting on Craigslist Missed Connections, but what the heck — here goes!

I saw you on the 1 Train. You were wearing a red woolen coat and a multi-colored wool hat. I noticed surgical leggings. You were reading your iPhone. You wore those fancy gloves that let you swipe on your phone. Our eyes met a few times and I smiled at you. You had deep, dark eyes. Twin pools of India ink. Is that even politically correct to say anymore? You tilted your head in such a way that your shock of black hair, which contrasted against your light porcelain skin, cascaded over your left eye, brushing up against your classic Grecian nose. You evoked the spirit of a Mediterranean goddess. After a moment, you gathered up your things and got off at the next stop, even though it was obviously not your stop. I returned to my seat.

It would be four or five days before I’d see you on the train again. Fortunately I have the unlimited MetroCard pass. This time I didn’t try to catch your eye or approach you, so you would be more comfortable and get off at your proper station.

Soho. I know it well. It’s a neighborhood in flux. I noticed you in that little vegetable shop on Broome. Then in the Duane Reade buying that laxative. It pains me to think of you in discomfort like that. But I was just too shy to come over and say so! But maybe you should cut back on all that cheese you bought. Just sayin’!

Anyway, after the drug store and the grocer, the hardware store, and the dress shop that apparently has a back entrance, I lost you in the crowd. But luck was with me: I stood across the street from that very same grocer until our paths crossed once again a scant week later! Kismet!

Your doorman seems like the suspicious type and treated me like I had no business coming into your building. First, what’s his problem? And, really, a doorman in Soho? Cheapen the bohemian atmosphere much? Later, much to my surprise, I learned that locksmiths will not simply make keys based on a description of the lock and the address. I cannot believe the ways in which the laws actively court “restraint of trade” lawsuits.

But I haven’t told you anything about myself. I enjoy cooking, deep sea fishing and spelunking, and people tend to forget how much climbing is actually involved in cave exploring, so, really, getting on the roof of your building was no big deal. I will note here that your building security is very impressive and the locks on the rooftop entrances are top notch! It puts my mind at ease to know that you can afford such stellar security. Also, I like a challenge. But I have since decided that a lighter, defter touch may be called for.

Anyway, it appears I’m reaching Craigslist maximum word limit. So, FYI, I’m standing outside your apartment now. Email me. Tell me what color hat I’m wearing so I know it’s really you.

XOXO

The Guy Outside Your Building

 

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where sometimes reality overtakes us but we run and run and do try to keep up as best we can. Words fail us, but fortunately they do not fail our good friend Dan Fiorella.

What A Dump

By:
daf118@aol.com
danfiorella.com

We know that President Trump isn’t shy with his opinions, no matter how misinformed, so it should come as no surprise that a recent article in Sports Illustrated (that well-known political publication of record) reports that the President told some fellow golfers he prefers his own housing because “that White House is a real dump.” So in the spirit of full transparency, we’ve obtained the President’s reviews of other American historical sites:

 

The U.S. Mint

“Is that the only flavor?”

 

Fort McHenry

“You call that a fort? I’ve built better forts with my pillows.”

 

Dinosaur National Monument

“It’s no Jurassic Park, believe me.”

 

Mount Rushmore

“Are they going to finish it or what?”

 

Governors Island, NY

“Well, I was never governor, so I don’t know about that one.”

 

Washington Monument

“Mine’s bigger.”

 

The Gateway Arch in St. Louis

“I looked all over, I couldn’t find that McDonalds! What a gyp!”

 

The Library of Congress

“Meh. Are my books in there?”

 

Independence Hall

“This was the place in American Treasure, right? I love that movie. Very historical.”

 

The Brooklyn Bridge

“I think I owned that for a while.”

 

Ellis Island

“How is there not a wall around this???”

 

The Statue of Liberty

“Maybe a four. Five, tops.”

 

The Liberty Bell

“Seriously? They can’t get that fixed?”

 

Grand Canyon

“What a waste of space! Do you know how many golf courses this thing could hold?”

 

National Mall, Washington D.C.

“How are there no stores here? It’s the worse mall I’ve ever been to! I would never let that happen. Whose fault is this, Obama’s?”

 

Sequoia, the former Presidential yacht.

“This is a yacht? I have tub toys bigger than this!”

 

The Supreme Court Building

“So plain. Where’s the gold plating?”

 

USS Arizona at Pearl Harbor

“I like memorials that weren’t sneak-attacked.”

 

The Capitol Building

“Can you imagine the casino this thing would make?”

 

Trail of Tears National Historic Trail

“What a bunch of crybabies!”

 

The Lincoln Memorial

“Have you seen this? It’s so out of proportion! I know Lincoln was tall, but this is ridiculous!”

 

The Alamo

“Fuggedaboutit!”

 

The Jefferson Memorial

“Thomas Jefferson is amazing. He’s living a very interesting life, if you know what I mean. I think you do.”

 

The 9/11 Memorial

“9/11 is a very important date for me, so I totally get this place. You know, after 9/11, my buildings became some of the tallest buildings in New York City!”

 

Ford’s Theatre

“And this is why I only watch home video!”

 

Arlington National Cemetery

“Not bad. I could be buried there if I wanted to be, but I have this much better place picked out on my golf course in New Jersey.”

 

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

“Well, he couldn’t have been that good if nobody knew him.”

 

Yellowstone National Park

“I love this place…wait, ‘Yellowstone?’ I thought you said ‘Orangestone.’ This place sucks.”

 

The Constitution

“So outdated!”

 

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, America's only true hope of escape! Say hello to our good friend Dan Fiorella.

Internet Ratings Of Escape Rooms

By:
daff118@aol.com
danfiorella.com

Crazes? We love crazes! The newest craze sweeping the country is the Escape Room, where someone locks you in a room and you have to figure how to get out. In the old days this would be a felony, but now, it’s a fun day out! But not all escape rooms are created equal, so we’ve scanned the internet in an attempt to separate the best from the less best:

 

Alice From Wonderland Escape

** This was a multi-room adventure, all with the theme of Alice in Wonderland. The walls were decorated with scenes from the Walt Disney version of the story, while songs from the movie played. The puzzles and clues were very tricky. The tasks way too hard. In the end, the only way we got out was because Disney lawyers came in and shut down the whole enterprise for various copyright infringements.

–WhiteRabbit428

 

Riddle Room Escape Room

** We still haven’t escaped yet. But the wi-fi is excellent!

–MIA1234

 

Prison Break Out!

** I was really disappointed by this Escape Room. There wasn’t hardly any prison raping at all.

–Squirelly248

 

BREXIT

* We thought we really wanted to escape from this, but now we’re not so sure…

–TerryM

 

Family Trip Get Away

*** You’re in a hotel room with 3 daughters and your wife getting ready for a wedding and you only have 1 bathroom. Too scary to be fun.

–Whiskerking500

 

Blonde Escape Room

* It was a patio. In a back yard. Come on!

–BrunettGurl44

 

** Too hard!!!!!!

–Blondie12

 

The Hot Box

* I didn’t think an Escape Room that is like a POW camp’s hold could be much fun. I was correct.

–Hogan553

 

Escape From No Escape

**½ This Escape Room is based on the movie “No Escape” which no one can escape from because no one saw the movie “No Escape.”

–MovieGuy440

 

Hoarder’s House

*** This was very hard. You had to navigate around piles of newspapers, broken appliances and cat droppings, figuring out clues based on the expiration dates of canned goods. And finding the mummified remains of rats really doesn’t count as clues.

–Dave@aol.com

 

Al Capone’s Vault

* Waste of time.

–Geraldo1980

 

Escape Away

? I can’t honestly rate this Escape Room. I got locked in the men’s room stall and couldn’t get out. I was there quite some time and afterward didn’t feel much like getting locked in somewhere else. But the bathrooms are very clean.

–MartyBGoode

 

Escape From the Planet of the Apes

*** Okay, my bad, not an escape room at all but a pretty good 1971 sci-fi movie.

–Sisbert@large

 

Trump Tower’s Best Escape Room Ever

* It’s bad enough I have to pay to be locked in a room and try to escape, while not being allowed to touch any of the expensive gold-leaf bric-a-brac, but what’s even worse is that at the end of the hour I had to pay an “escape fee” and “roaming charges” to be let out????

–HillaryRC

 

The Glue Factory

* Very sticky. Maybe too sticky. And all the whinnying from the next room was very distracting.

–The Wilsons

 

Solitary Confinement

**** This Escape Room is so awesome it was actually ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Court as cruel and unusual punishment!

–MAGA2020

 

Sweeny Holmes’ Escape Room & Meat Pies

**** No reviews on the Escape Rooms but the Meat Pies are amazing!

–Carnivore222

 

Pop-Up Escape Room

** Okay, it looks like this place used to be a Radio Shack, based on the fact that all the shelves and signage are still in place. Did they put any effort into this at all? We got out in, like, 20 minutes. I’m pretty sure it took me longer to get out when it was an actual Radio Shack. I think someone was trying to cash in on a fad here. However, I did find the type of battery charger I’ve been looking for, like, forever!

–CBRadioIXI

 

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we take pets pretty seriously (we also take drugs pretty seriously, and pets are part of the reason). Heed the timeless wisdom of Dan "The Professor" Fiorella. Also feel free to click on the Amazon link below, which shows you how to purchase a copy of Dan's latest humor book, "Novel Concept."

Pet Parenting 101 — Course Description

By:
daf118@aol.com
https://www.amazon.com/Novel-Concept-Dan-Fiorella/dp/1508804982/

COURSE #7EKDF-332 Pet Parenting 101

$250 plus fee

Chris Peterson, Instructor

This course is designed to get you through the puppy and kitten months and help you make your fur baby a productive member of society. From feeding and exercise, to picking out the right obedience school, we lay out the full program. As so many new mothers and fathers are aware, there are a myriad of courses to take before you have or adopt a child. But for pet parents, there are none! Until now!

Syllabus includes:

Needs by Breeds: Here we will review the various bathing techniques for each breed of animal, from shaggy dogs to hairless cats. We will teach how to properly fit collars and harnesses. There will be a study of the many diet options available these days. We will also look at proper play toys and shelters. And demonstrate that what you are spending on them isn’t enough. Spoiler alert! We’re going to spoil them!

How to Adapt for your Adoption: There will be sleepless nights, carpet staining, vomit and chewed shoes, but first we prepare our pet parents for the unending prejudice and pet-ism you will face when you bring your newborn home. People will say things like, “You’re a pet owner, not a ‘Pet Parent’,” based on the ridiculous claims of biology or DNA. I mean, sure, it’s not like he’ll be going to college, getting a job or starting a family, but neither did my brother-in-law and yet he gets to collect government checks and live in my basement! Unlike my poor beagle with Tourette’s syndrome. I say to you, if corporations can be people, your pet can be your child!

Socialization: We will teach you how to properly socialize your pet through training and play activities. It’s very important not to leave a dog alone all the time, even though you can because dogs are just that smart. Try that with your three-year-old and see how quickly a representative from Children’s Services appears. Trust me on that. Socialization is as simple as walking your dog. And I mean you walking him, not hiring some random dog walker who is in fact an out-of-work “actor” who will probably steal your dog’s kibble and get him hooked on heroin. We emphasize walking your dog to meet other dogs, but boy, wouldn’t it be easier to meet other dogs if you didn’t have to deal with the goon at the other end of the leash?

Care and Cleaning-Up: Leashes and restraints will be discussed. There will be “hands-on” interaction with various approved “pooper scoopers.” Also, why won’t the Pampers Company make a pet diaper with a tail hole so I don’t have to cut my own? They refuse to respond to my letters, e-mails, tweets and picket signs, despite me pointing out all the advantages of such a product. You know, in New York City they revoked the public urination ban. Really! But should my ferret poop in Central Park, the SWAT team gets deployed. We need to end this defecation shaming! And another thing: I’ve seen people eat out of a dumpster, but I’m the bad guy just because my dog eats out of my neighbor’s garbage or drinks out of the toilet down at the YMCA? Just because your kid doesn’t hump strangers’ legs, you get to judge me? Ha! Which reminds me, pet parents should carry around a lot of tissues.

Demanding Equal Rights for Pets: We will look into the legal ramifications of having a pet in today’s society. We will study how society discriminates against pets. For example, when some person brings their kid to the park and lets him run wild, everyone stands there and says “How cute,” but if I let my pit bull off the leash the cops are called. How is this fair? Have you seen that kid? He’s a monster. I’ve seen him pee on the jungle gym! Or what about the fact that I’m forced to neuter my dog, while that brat down the block is allowed to procreate at will? Great, right? Because the world needs another mouth-breather manning the drive-thru window at Wendy’s that still won’t serve my cats despite the fact that they HAVE COUPONS! We will study and discuss these topics at length. Such length.

Also planned: “Bring Your Pet to Class” events and field trips to my apartment so you can meet my menagerie. There will be an additional $25 fee to cover the expense of lint brushes and iodine.

Prerequisite for Pet Parenting 201

 

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we left Vatican II in the dust a long time ago. Let Dan Fiorella guide you into the mysteries of the Mass as it will be very soon now. Also check out our blogroll at the right-hand side of this page for a link to his comedy Christmas mystery e-book, Lost Claus.

Excerpts From The #Live Tweeting Mass Twitter Feed

By:
daf118@aol.com
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B009TA7PUA

The overture is starting and already the priest is getting a standing O! Crowd fave, obviously! #LiveTweetingMass

Hey, it’s in English! #LiveTweetingMass

No missalette in this row. How can I tell the players from one another without the missalette? #LiveTweetingMass

Altar boy picking his nose. I saw you. #LiveTweetingMass #nosePick

My bad. Turns out it’s not a TARDIS in back, just the confessional booth. #LiveTweetingMass

What’s the point of reading from the Old Testament if we got a New Testament? #LiveTweetingMass

Scripture reading was the story of Lazarus. First zombie story! #LiveTweetingMass
Homily. Time to check out the bulletin. #LiveTweetingMass

Bulletin says the next service is the Folk Mass. Wow, dodged that bullet! #LiveTweetingMass

Really, @Pope, did you think adding “consubstantial” to the Creed was going to clarify things? #LiveTweetingMass

All this standing, sitting, kneeling! What’s next, spin mass? #LiveTweetingMass

I see they have Stations of the Cross, but I was really in the mood for an Omelet Station. #LiveTweetingMass

Didn’t want to shake hands so I just waved a peace sign at everyone. #LiveTweetingMass

All these statues, but not one of @StephenColbert. Wonder if he’s aware… #LiveTweetingMass #ColbertNation

Oh, not Spin Mass, Cath-listenics! You know how many calories you burn genuflecting? #LiveTweetingMass #betterJoke

Organ is good and loud, drowning out these tone-deaf people next to me. #LiveTweetingMass

Going to eat body and blood. I guess it’s in keeping with the zombie theme. #LiveTweetingMass

I like that they have a snack time, but the cookie is really bland. #LiveTweetingMass

Why does this blood taste like cheap wine? #LiveTweetingMass

Apparently, they frown at going back for seconds on the sacramental wine. #LiveTweetingMass

Disappointed. Choir hasn’t done anything from Sister Act soundtrack. #LiveTweetingMass

Leaving right after communion is like leaving the ball game during the eighth inning to avoid the traffic. #LiveTweetingMass

How awkward, everyone is standing around waiting for the priest to leave. #LiveTweetingMass

During cold and flu season, it seems they should replace holy water w/Purell. #LiveTweetingMass #ProductPlacementOpp

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, the best place in the world from which to observe the end of the world. This week, Dan Fiorella sticks it to the Mayans for sticking it to us. Also check out our blogroll at the right-hand side of this page for a link to his comedy Christmas mystery e-book, Lost Claus.

Other Things The Mayan Calendar Got Wrong

By:
daf118@aol.com
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B009TA7PUA

Okay, we made it through 2012 and we’re all still here. At least I am, I can’t speak for everyone else out there. But I’m guessing most of us are. Looks like the Mayans got us all worked up about nothing. So let’s see what else the Mayan Calendar got wrong:

Groundhog’s Day was in April, like who can’t figure out when winter is over by then?

Friday was Hump Day.

February had 29 ¾ days, then traded places with June every fourth year.

Value Days was an actual thing in September.

Miss July? Transgendered.

Three-day weekends didn’t include Sunday.

Boss’s Day was an authentic holiday with a postage stamp and everything.

Until the 12th of Never? Not that very long a time.

Most popular Mayan family restaurant was TGIMonday’s.

Didn’t strain spaghetti very well. (Ed. note: that’s Mayan colanders)

Boxing Day was a World Wrestling Entertainment pay-per-view event.

Rainy days and Mondays didn’t get the Mayans down.

Saturday night was a terrible night for fighting.

Friday the 13th movies were considered “art house” films.

People ate ice cream thursdaes.

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day fell on the same day, which just annoyed everyone. And no days were “Children’s Day.”

Ruby Tuesday was a dude.

To get out of paying people, Mayans postdated all their checks to 12/12/2012, and that’s why their civilization collapsed.

(Okay, here’s that column mocking the end of the world for you to run, unless the world actually ends, then please run the column about the cat videos instead. — DF)

 

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel. If for any reason you are not satisfied by this week's bit of nonsense, we invite you to try and find us so you can ask for a full refund of the purchase price. Or not.

Reason For Return

By:

We at HockeyFanatics.com want you to be completely satisfied with your purchase. If you are not pleased with your merchandise for any reason, you may return the product within 30 days of receipt using the enclosed return postage form. Refunds will be issued in the same manner as the order was paid.

1. Complete the Return Reason form.

RETURN REASON:

_Changed my mind

_Didn’t Like

_Received Damaged

_Product is Defective

_Received incorrect item

_Received incorrect size

_Size didn’t fit

X Other

Well, actually, your product was fine. It is a beautiful NHL Men’s Melange FZ Hood. But, alas, I have to return it as I no longer need it. You see, Dave, my boyfriend, well, now ex-boyfriend, is a huge Mighty Ducks fans. Frankly, I don’t think they’re as good as they were in the movies and they’re certainly not as cute as they were in the movies. I’m sure this discussion must come up all the time in your whole hockey line of business. Anyway, when your up-until-recently-boyfriend says he’s a fan of an NFL team and his birthday is coming up, why wouldn’t a hoodie with his team’s logo be the perfect gift? It’s a no-brainer. Certainly more thoughtful than the box of scotch tape he gave me for Christmas so I can “stick things together.” I don’t even want to get into the thing where he gave me Christmas M&Ms last Valentine’s Day because they were on discount at the store.

So, anyway, having received the enclosed merchandise in fine condition, I wrapped it to present to my then-boyfriend. Of course I should have been a bit put off when Dave mentioned to me during the previews of Green Hornet that he was spending his actual birthday day with his “homies” or “posse” or whatever he calls that group of adolescent peers. But he added that we can “hook up” later in the week. Obviously, he took my pout of hurt and disapproval as some sort of green light. Anyway, no biggie, as I decided to use this change of plans to my advantage to increase the “surprise” quotient of this fine, fine product.

Now, he likes to hang at Chucky Mack’s on 23rd Street. They have really good Texas Chili Fries™ that can feed a small family. And free beverage refills. So I trot on down there with my wrapped gift to surprise him on the day of his actual birth. Well, the surprise was on me! There he is, sharing an order of Texas Chili Fries™, not with his “home boys” or “cohorts” but with Jean Marie Becker!

Now, if you haven’t met Jean Marie Becker, you’ve probably heard the rumors about her and her unsavory reputation. If she were any easier she’d be rated “E for everybody.” Not to mention all the unexplained vacations to various health facilities. I’m just saying. And here she is with my steady! So, naturally, I confront him and he’s all “I told you not to come here.” And I’m all “It’s your birthday, where else should I be?” And he’s all “I can’t believe you are checking up on me!” And I’m all “Apparently not often enough!” At this point Jean Marie Slut decides to get all up in my grill about hassling “her man.” So I declare that he is neither hers nor a man. She begs to differ on both accounts, with this wicked smug smile. So I hit her with some chicken wings. She countered with a pitcher of unsweetened ice tea, which I was nimbly able to side-step, but which did soak Dave. He got all upset because he was wearing a leather jacket which he claimed was now ruined and not his. Then Chucky Mac himself came out and started hurling insults and chased us all out, screaming that he was going to call the police, which he wasn’t really about to do, based on the ethnic and legal makeup of his kitchen staff. Then he banned us all from ever going there again. This totally freaked out Dave, who claimed it was his “home base.” He stormed out, dragging the wanton Jean Marie with him so I assume he has made his choice. Now, since I don’t follow hockey, I’m returning the merchandise.

2. Pack the items in original packing if possible

Sorry, it’s no longer available. After we left the restaurant, I beat Dave about the head and shoulders with the box until it broke apart. But this pizza box should do.

P.S. If you get any orders for hockey wear from a Jean Marie Becker, could you just lose them? TIA!!

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we celebrate the New Year by resolving to publish a new piece by Dan Fiorella. There, wasn't that easy?

Our Easy-To-Keep New Year’s Resolutions

By:

It’s New Year’s and you know what that means: making random resolutions to improve yourself while at some late night celebration when you’re inebriated that will inevitably fail. So why subject yourself to all that guilt over life-changing alterations gone unheeded? You want to make a resolution this New Year’s but not a hard one? Something that will be easy to stick to? Something that will allow you to feel superior to those failures and back-sliders you know? Then try one of our patented Easy-to-Keep New Year’s Resolutions:

No unnecessary space trips.

Place a ceiling on adopting third world babies. Or maybe even second world babies.

Resolve not to post government secrets online.

Cut back on bacon-flavor sodas.

Turn down any offers to be the subject of a reality TV show.

Cease spamming people unless using real Spam®.

Avoid midget tossing for sport. Remember, it’s a business, dammit!

Cut down on suicide bombing missions.

Reduce your eggnog consumption for a couple of months.

Try to put on a few pounds.

Resolve to use more contractions in your speech and writing.

Limit resolution making to once a year.

That guy living in the box in the alley? Just let him be.

Stop saying “Season’s Greetings” when what you really want to say is “Happy Holidays.”

Curb your stalking, especially at that place with all the security cameras.

Avoid producing Broadway musicals based on comic book superheroes.

Vow to remove any trees from your indoor living space.

Blink.

You’re welcome! So, enjoy your New Year’s to the fullest, but try not to be a jerk about it.

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Yule Blog

By:

December 13

The elves have been whining about getting cable installed. What’s the big deal about cable? Sure, reception is improved, but it goes out all the time. And how many times can you watch Weekend at Bernie’s? The man’s dead. Those sunglasses aren’t fooling anyone. Either way, I ain’t springing for anything unless those tiny bums finish wrapping presents.

December 14

Reindeer have some virus and have been sleeping a lot lately. Mrs. Claus mixed some orange rinds and a handful of old echinacea capsules into their slop trough this morning, so I’m hoping that’ll help a bit. Donner’s been complaining of stomach pains too, but I told him to shut up or go try finding work elsewhere. If he thinks there’s a lot of jobs posted on Monster.com for flying reindeer with stomach pains that whiney fur bag has another think coming.

December 15

Guess what? It’s Geraldo at the door again. He’s trying to prove that I run some kind of polar sweatshop violating child-labor laws. I tried to explain that the elves are, like, 120 years old and haven’t been children since Geraldo himself was the son of a wee sperm in his great granddaddy’s testicles. No good. He called his studio truck over to our front door and I had to get Dancer and Blitzen to charge him. Who’s gonna buy his story now? Yeah right, Santa Claus himself beat up, Geraldo? No one’s buying, Gerry. Don’t even try it.

December 16

Those damn coal miners have jacked up the price of coal again. They do this every year. And they have me over a barrel. They know that there are more bad kids then ever. Any foul-mouthed little puke with their hair dyed like Eminem is getting an extra lump.

December 17

Got another of those heart-wrenching letters from a poor child: “…you don’t have to get me anything Santa, but could you get my mom a warm coat?” Sure, kid. Like you aren’t just playing the good-kid card to score yourself an XBOX. What, do people everywhere think I’m an idiot now? I’ve been around for thousands of years and the tricks never change. Santa ain’t buying, Timmy. You want a warm coat? Sell your body.

December 18

Got drunk on rum and eggnog and passed out watching Seattle’s Santa Claus parade. And let me tell you, man, that is one sorry Santa Claus parade.

December 19

I have to get the freakin’ ASPCA off my back. They just sent me another letter asking about the conditions for the reindeer, claiming I’m cruel to them by underfeeding. Hey, ASPCA! You think fat reindeer can get off the ground? They can’t, and you better believe me, because I’m the only person in the entire world who owns any flying reindeer. The thinner they are, the better they fly. If your kids want any presents this year, ASPCA, you’ll shut up. Just shut up, ASPCA!

December 20

Woke up with a bad hangover. I smacked the elves around a bit in the shop, had my way with Mrs. Claus. Then we passed out while watching Scrooged. That Bill Murray cracks me right up.

December 21

Guess what I did today? It’s funny. I always do this. I went down to the kitchen pantry to grab some shortbread cookies and guess what I find? You know it. My lousy Advent calendar. Scarfed 21 chocolates and fell asleep in front of the fireplace.

December 22

Watched A Christmas Story again. Man, the Ralphie kid cracks me up. I wonder what ever happened to him? I should check my list to see. Actually…yeah, actually, forget it. Who cares about Ralphie? What was I even thinking? Now…I do believe there’s an Advent-calendar chocolate waiting for me by the fireplace. To the fireplace!

December 23

Today Mrs. Claus and I did our last-minute shopping. The elves can hammer a mean rocking horse, but they ain’t so good at creating Palm Pilots from scratch. Note to everyone who wanted a Palm Pilot for Christmas this year: You’re all godforsaken, Star Trek-convention-haunting nitwits.

December 24

Well, I’m off, to hell with no-fly zones. Donner’s stomach pains miraculously disappeared today, and the elves finished up everything at the last minute. Well, mostly everything. Hope you weren’t expecting much, Nigeria!

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