How to Argue With Your 12-Year-Old

By: Michael Kaplan

“I’m not going to guitar lesson.”

Why argue at all? Because pre-adolescence is a candy-colored swirl of hormone spurts and murderous scowls and, from time to time, we must open the door to our jolly friend, reality. Plus, it’s not like you’re winning any arguments with your wife these days.

Potential gambits crowd the mind. Fine, you owe your teacher sixty dollars…That’s it, I’m unplugging cable…If you practiced a little more, you wouldn’t be afraid to go. All of these have their pitfalls, chiefly the onslaught of premature tears that lure your better half to throw her weight, tag-team style, behind the opposition. Best to take a more conservative tack.

“You’re going.”

“Why? Why do I have to?”

A simple test. You had this discussion last month. Do you remember the excellent answer you gave? Unlikely. Rather than dither and give your daughter any sense of momentum, slap the ball right back. When in doubt, change the ground beneath her feet.

“Because it’s your job. We all have jobs in this family.”

“I don’t want this job.”

You are no longer talking about guitar lessons but metaphorical employment. Don’t get overconfident.

“We all do jobs we don’t want. I don’t want to cook your dinner, but I’m going to when we come back.”

“Fine. I’ll eat at McDonald’s.”

She has changed the ground beneath your feet. Show no fear.

“No, McDonald’s is crap and eating crap is not going to solve anything unless they have a special on McMusic Lessons.”

“You’re so mean.”

“I’m not trying to be mean.”

“You let Jason skip soccer all the time!”

This is a classic ruse, known as the sororital split. By introducing at least one sibling, your daughter has increased the odds in her favor. There is now a 30% chance you will take the bait and argue the merits of Jason, allowing a different child to go on trial. Carefully choose your response at this fork. The obvious “This is not about Jason, this is about you!” will automatically trigger the martyred rejoinder, “That’s right, you never think he does ANYTHING wrong.” To keep your child off-balance, allow a little poetic license.

“Jason almost died this morning.”


“Ask him when you get back from guitar.”

Admittedly, a bald-faced lie. But you’ve painstakingly built a foundation of logic and irony and, well, a creative parent is a healthy parent. (If personal integrity remains a priority, skip to the next step.)

“Why do we have to go TODAY? It’s such a bad time for me.”

It is important to remember that you and you alone are the repository of your child’s words and deeds and thus the sole curator of glaring contradictions that will come in handy right about now.

“We already moved this lesson so you could go to Aubrey’s party.”

“Why is that my fault?”

Here we have a celebrated dialectic stratagem known as the Mazzini offense (so named for Ellen Mazzini who, at the age of nine, wrangled shrimp cocktail and chocolate milk for dinner six nights in a row through a series of cunning, accusatory tantrums that left her parents guilt-stricken for decades). This tactic draws you into a position of de facto tyranny and presupposes your own desperate need to defend your political record. An excellent time to adopt the Far-Eastern method of parenting and turn your daughter’s force against her.

“Why do you act like it’s your fault?”

“Ha ha ha.”

This, of course, is the infamous Ha ha ha. Press on.

“Look, you chose guitar. You were the one who said you wanted to switch from piano to guitar, that you thought that would be a better instrument for you.”

“Yeah, I KNOW.”

Notice the use of the PtON, or Preteen Omniscient Narrator: the haughty tone that asserts there is nothing on God’s green earth that’s going to catch her unawares or weaken her resolve. The good news: this is often the last gasp before surrender.

“Well now that you’ve made that commitment I need to help you keep it. And honor it. Otherwise it’s meaningless — and we are not meaningless people.” [Warning: Once your child is fourteen this is a disastrous path to take.]

“Fine. You have to give me five dollars.”

A naked act of desperation. Your daughter needs something to claim as a partial victory. Choose your terms carefully.

“You can have five dollars if you NEED five dollars for something RIGHT NOW. You don’t get five dollars for going to a lesson you’re supposed to go to anyway. Otherwise you can give me five dollars for driving you there.”

“Then I’ll hitchhike.”

“And you’ll be grounded for the rest of the year. Which will certainly give you time to practice.”

“MOMMMMMM! Dad’s being mean!!!”

Game. Set. Match. At this point, I’m afraid you’re on your own.


Summary Of Second Quarter Grant Proposals

By: Michael Kaplan

To: Donald Devenaugh

Re: 2nd Quarter Grant Proposals to Devenaugh Family Foundation

We had an unusual spike in submissions over the past three months, attributed (I believe) to the recent publicity over the foundation’s generous gifts to Delaware and Philadelphia Hospice and, to a lesser extent, your son’s leave of absence from Swarthmore.

Kids Love Freedom. Start-up program designed to teach K-6 students about America’s support of democracy, independence, and First Amendment rights throughout the world. Project elements include a rotating series of speakers, weeklong “emanciparticipations,” and semi-permanent installations at elementary schools throughout the Eastern Pennsylvania area. [Full Disclosure: Max Devenaugh is the proposed Executive Director.]

Comment: Disqualified. Please speak with Max about this.

Identity Reunification. Support Center for victims of ID theft unable to make a smooth return to identities of origin. Symptomatic behavior can include chronic mistrust, changing last names to unpronounceable words, shredding random household items. Requesting seed money for educational brochures and a 24-hour hotline.

Comment: Ground floor of potential new disorder. Let’s grab it.

HASPICE (Helpful and Supportive People in Collective Enterprise)

Comment: Not Hospice. Five people selling health insurance.

SIMphony Hall. Capital development request for planned construction along with additional endowment to establish fellowships for composers promoting the meta-universal language of music through live immersive webcast premieres in state-of-the-art venue enabling audience members to vote on favorite melodic themes and reshape compositions in real time according to majority desire.

Comment: Request timeline. (Always nicer than saying no.)

Rolo House Project. The historical preservation and restoration of Dwight Rolo’s childhood home, located in Hartford, Connecticut. Relics and objets d’art from early 1980’s and 90’s will be preserved and put on permanent display with interpretative signage. Original parlor oak book cases will be transferred to an upstairs guest room and replaced with a state of the art wet bar. First year of project will incorporate phased digital transfers of over one hundred vinyl comedy albums, videotapes of vintage television shows and “several thousand” DC and Marvel comic books, all of which will be loaded onto master entertainment center made available for research purposes. Budget includes annual salary for docent/curator.

Comment: Friend of Max’s.

Attention Deficit Disorder Cure-a-thon. Requesting 25K from Devenaugh Foundation to hire second FTE dedicated to donor/volunteer database/future fundraising/matching in-kind donation drives with integrated component of staff training/cultural competence/ non-discrimination/marketing-outreach/revised vision statement/maybe a 30-foot quilt everybody works on together.

Comment: Resubmitting.

Great Inner-City Focus Challenge. Pilot program to help inner-city school children with their work and mental acuity in the classroom by providing them with Crickles™ — a light, cheesy snack that settles the stomach and concentrates the mind.

Comment: Not a nonprofit.

HOSPYS (Harmony Outside Satan’s Predatory Yoke of Sin)

Comment: Not Hospice. Foundation does not fund religious organizations.

Rethinking Rehab. Tolerance and greater understanding of economic class divisions are explored through a full observation of the drug and alcohol treatment process. Celebrities and ordinary addicts will keep highly detailed journals of their progress through detoxification programs, eventually trading places at their respective facilities.

Comment: Foundation does not fund reality TV.

Prescience Friends. Start-up Institute devoted to strengthening multitasking capacity in transitional youth (ages 16-21) demonstrating leadership skills. Program features modulated overlapping of locomotion, outcome-based instruction, pleasure stimulus, tactile cognition and modified stress.

Comment: Possible assassin factory. Request staff histories.

Last-Minute Crisis Center. Hotline for people who can’t find their keys.

Comment: Not the worst idea.

Community Strength Coalition. Delaware-based grassroots advocacy organization devoted to target population outreach, volunteer recruitment, program analysis, and strength-based community approaches. First-year goals include renewal, creating a template for urban consensus, and productive treatment of root causes of civic concern.

Comment: We suspect Max is using “Kids Love Freedom” to slip this one by you.

HOSPIS (Hands of Support Providing Instant Support)

Comment: Not Hospice. Max again.


Comment: Not Hospice. Remaindered Candy for Children’s Ward of Hospital.

Proper Goodbyes. Pittsburgh inner city children celebrate and bid farewell to species that became extinct in the last fifty years through art, adobe tile work and songs of lamentation. A traveling contingent of students led by project mascot, Mapappa, the Guam Flying Fox, will work with local youngsters to compose personal farewells to the many majestic animals that are no more.

Comment: Anything under 15K, we look like assholes.