Summary Of Second Quarter Grant Proposals

By: Michael Kaplan

To: Donald Devenaugh

Re: 2nd Quarter Grant Proposals to Devenaugh Family Foundation

We had an unusual spike in submissions over the past three months, attributed (I believe) to the recent publicity over the foundation’s generous gifts to Delaware and Philadelphia Hospice and, to a lesser extent, your son’s leave of absence from Swarthmore.

Kids Love Freedom. Start-up program designed to teach K-6 students about America’s support of democracy, independence, and First Amendment rights throughout the world. Project elements include a rotating series of speakers, weeklong “emanciparticipations,” and semi-permanent installations at elementary schools throughout the Eastern Pennsylvania area. [Full Disclosure: Max Devenaugh is the proposed Executive Director.]

Comment: Disqualified. Please speak with Max about this.

Identity Reunification. Support Center for victims of ID theft unable to make a smooth return to identities of origin. Symptomatic behavior can include chronic mistrust, changing last names to unpronounceable words, shredding random household items. Requesting seed money for educational brochures and a 24-hour hotline.

Comment: Ground floor of potential new disorder. Let’s grab it.

HASPICE (Helpful and Supportive People in Collective Enterprise)

Comment: Not Hospice. Five people selling health insurance.

SIMphony Hall. Capital development request for planned construction along with additional endowment to establish fellowships for composers promoting the meta-universal language of music through live immersive webcast premieres in state-of-the-art venue enabling audience members to vote on favorite melodic themes and reshape compositions in real time according to majority desire.

Comment: Request timeline. (Always nicer than saying no.)

Rolo House Project. The historical preservation and restoration of Dwight Rolo’s childhood home, located in Hartford, Connecticut. Relics and objets d’art from early 1980’s and 90’s will be preserved and put on permanent display with interpretative signage. Original parlor oak book cases will be transferred to an upstairs guest room and replaced with a state of the art wet bar. First year of project will incorporate phased digital transfers of over one hundred vinyl comedy albums, videotapes of vintage television shows and “several thousand” DC and Marvel comic books, all of which will be loaded onto master entertainment center made available for research purposes. Budget includes annual salary for docent/curator.

Comment: Friend of Max’s.

Attention Deficit Disorder Cure-a-thon. Requesting 25K from Devenaugh Foundation to hire second FTE dedicated to donor/volunteer database/future fundraising/matching in-kind donation drives with integrated component of staff training/cultural competence/ non-discrimination/marketing-outreach/revised vision statement/maybe a 30-foot quilt everybody works on together.

Comment: Resubmitting.

Great Inner-City Focus Challenge. Pilot program to help inner-city school children with their work and mental acuity in the classroom by providing them with Crickles™ — a light, cheesy snack that settles the stomach and concentrates the mind.

Comment: Not a nonprofit.

HOSPYS (Harmony Outside Satan’s Predatory Yoke of Sin)

Comment: Not Hospice. Foundation does not fund religious organizations.

Rethinking Rehab. Tolerance and greater understanding of economic class divisions are explored through a full observation of the drug and alcohol treatment process. Celebrities and ordinary addicts will keep highly detailed journals of their progress through detoxification programs, eventually trading places at their respective facilities.

Comment: Foundation does not fund reality TV.

Prescience Friends. Start-up Institute devoted to strengthening multitasking capacity in transitional youth (ages 16-21) demonstrating leadership skills. Program features modulated overlapping of locomotion, outcome-based instruction, pleasure stimulus, tactile cognition and modified stress.

Comment: Possible assassin factory. Request staff histories.

Last-Minute Crisis Center. Hotline for people who can’t find their keys.

Comment: Not the worst idea.

Community Strength Coalition. Delaware-based grassroots advocacy organization devoted to target population outreach, volunteer recruitment, program analysis, and strength-based community approaches. First-year goals include renewal, creating a template for urban consensus, and productive treatment of root causes of civic concern.

Comment: We suspect Max is using “Kids Love Freedom” to slip this one by you.

HOSPIS (Hands of Support Providing Instant Support)

Comment: Not Hospice. Max again.


Comment: Not Hospice. Remaindered Candy for Children’s Ward of Hospital.

Proper Goodbyes. Pittsburgh inner city children celebrate and bid farewell to species that became extinct in the last fifty years through art, adobe tile work and songs of lamentation. A traveling contingent of students led by project mascot, Mapappa, the Guam Flying Fox, will work with local youngsters to compose personal farewells to the many majestic animals that are no more.

Comment: Anything under 15K, we look like assholes.


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