Before I Put You As My Emergency Contact, There Are Some Things I Need To Know

By: Kent Woodyard

1) Do you have permission to leave the state?

2) It’s three p.m. on a Wednesday. What are the chances you are too intoxicated to operate a forklift?

3) Please check any of the following that you own (should not be less than three):

* freeze-dried ice cream

* SpongeBob Band-Aids

* defibrillation paddles

* falsified foreign passports

* the book of Revelation (rest of Bible not necessary)

* ingredients for s’mores

* riot gear

* a panic room

4) Fill in the blank: There is literally nothing I wouldn’t do for my good friend, Kent. Yes, I would give him (one/both/all) of my ______________ if he asked for (it/them/her).

5) How many times have you read Kill It and Grill It: Ted and Shemane Nugent’s Guide to Preparing & Cooking Wild Game and Fish? (If you have not read it, please explain.)

6) Using the attached paper, describe in 500 words or less what “persistent, vegetative state” means to you. As part of your answer, please address the following scenario:

A friend is knocked unconscious during a mountain biking accident. His injuries are minimal and he will likely make a full recovery in a matter of hours. That being said, he was recently fired and dumped on the same day and has been growing increasingly dissatisfied with the quality of his life. Also, he has $23.00 and an Applebee’s gift card in his wallet. Would this qualify as a “difficult end-of-life decision?”

7) Rate from 1 to 5 your comfort with executing the following tasks:

* Cardiopulmonary resuscitation

* Forging a prescription

* Performing gender reassignment surgery in a typically-stocked Western kitchen

* Cutting the crust off a grilled cheese sandwich

* Firing an automatic weapon while riding in a motorcycle sidecar

* Amphibious evacuation from a hostile beachhead

* Conferring the Roman Catholic Last Rites or “Anointing of the Sick” from memory

8) Remember that episode in Band of Brothers that follows the medic around? You know, the one where Easy Company is under heavy artillery fire and a bunch of guys get killed by shrapnel and flying pieces of exploded trees and what not? Yeah, that one. List at least three things you would have done differently to prevent unnecessary amputation or death.

9) The Department of Homeland Security has placed the national threat advisory level for all domestic and international flights at Orange. Do you have any idea what that means?

10) Please list in order the parts of the human body you imagine being the tastiest.

11) Please estimate (in days) how long you would be able to keep yourself and one other person alive in the following environments:

* Baghdad

* Englewood

* Destin, Florida, during Spring Break

* Vatican City circa 1500

* Lollapalooza

* The gorilla habitat at the San Diego Zoo

* The Texas State Fair

* Jurassic Park

12) Can you be here in five minutes?


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