* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where -- when we aren't making funny prose available to this and every other universe -- we can usually be found helping our local superheroes fight crime. You know, just like Lee Blevins.

Schedule Of Events For National Superhero Police Confidant Convention

By:

Day 1 / Monday

 

7:30 am – 8:00 am

Registration

* Includes compulsory shapeshifter screening.

 

8:00 am – 8:30 am

N.S.P.C. President Renee Montoya: Opening Remarks

* There will be no QUESTIONs at this time. She insisted on the capitalization.

 

8:30 am – 9:00 am

In Memoriam

 

9:00 am – 9:30 am

Barry Allen: Forensics in Shifting Timelines

 

9:30 am – 10:00 am

How to Spot an Off-Duty Superhero

 

10:00 am – 10:30 am

April O’Neil: Their Girl Friday, or Journalism Ethics in the Age of Ooze

* The “their” in the above presentation title refers to four anthropomorphic turtles who live in the sewers beneath New York City and fight mostly ninjas.

 

10:30 am – 11:00 am

Mass Prison Escapes and You

 

11:00 am – 12:00 pm

Eustace Dolan: My Daughter Fell in Love with a Masked Man

 

12:00 pm – 1:00 pm

Lunch

* All food and drink has been tested for Joker venom.

 

1:00 pm – 1:30 pm

Nelson & Murdock: Civil Rights and Vigilante Justice

 

1:30 pm – 2:00 pm

Tactics to Restrain a Mind-Controlled Citizenry

 

2:00 pm – 2:30 pm

Supervillain Safety Drill

* Courtesy of the reformed supervillain team known as the Thunderbolts. ** Anyone who has had a loved one murdered by a Thunderbolt in the past is asked to leave the room for the duration of the drill.

 

2:30 pm – 3:00 pm

Afternoon In Memoriam

* Afternoon In Memoriam only to be held in event of non-drill supervillain incident resulting in significant casualties.

 

3:00 pm – 3:30 pm

Dr. Jeremiah Arkham: Mental Health – A Troubling Subtext

 

3:30 pm – 4:00 pm

Frank Castle: I Ain’t Sorry

* Note: Frank Castle a.k.a. The Punisher is currently incarcerated and will be speaking to us via videoconference. There is always a chance his presentation will be cut short by a prison riot or maybe a shanking.

 

4:00 pm – 5:00 pm

The Spectre: I Used to Be a Cop (Now I Cop for God)

* Warning: The Spectre is a nigh-omnipotent entity with a strict moral code. Attendee discretion is advised. Last year he turned someone into a toad for a minor traffic violation.

Day 2 / Tuesday
8:00 am – 9:00 am

Col. Nick Fury: Interagency Relations in Intergalactic Crises

 

9:00 AM – 9:30 AM

Vampires, Werewolves, Witches: Not Your Jurisdiction?

 

9:30 am – 10:00 am

Police Sketch Artist Showcase

* Copyright notice: all sketch art is done as work for hire. No sketch artist has any future right to any sketch or any subsequent adaptations of said sketch. Especially Jacob Kurtzberg.

 

10:00 am – 10:30 am

George Stacy & Jean DeWolff: They Died for Spider-Man’s Sins

* A special presentation paid for by J. Jonah Jameson.

 

10:30 am – 11:00 am

If a Mad God Takes Over Your Precinct

 

11:00 am – 12:00 pm

James Gordon: Why I Need Batman (And Why Batman Needs Me)

 

12:00 pm – 1:00 pm

Lunch

* All food and drink has been tested TWICE for Joker venom.

 

1:00 pm – 1:30 pm

Hank McCoy: Mutant Lives Matters

*Note: Hank McCoy a.k.a. Beast looks like a big blue cat. Do Not Shoot! Repeat: Do Not Shoot! (Unless he goes feral, of course.)

 

1:30 pm – 2:00 pm

Harvey Bullock: Good Cop, Bad Cop, Mediocre Cop

 

2:00 pm – 2:30 pm

Supervillain Safety Drill

* Courtesy of the explosives-attached-to-neck controlled supervillain team Suicide Squad. ** Anyone who has had a loved one murdered by a Suicide Squader in the past is asked to leave the room for the duration of the drill.

 

2:30 pm – 3:00 pm

Closing Day In Memoriam

* Closing Day In Memoriam only to be held in event of non-drill supervillain incident resulting in significant casualties. Historically, this is the more eventful of the two afternoon In Memoriams.

 

3:00 pm – 3:30 pm

Guardians of the Galaxy Q&A

* Please don’t attempt to arrest the Guardians of the Galaxy for any of their many crimes unless you have jurisdiction in the sectors in which said crimes were committed.

 

3:30 pm – 4:00 pm

Tony Stark: Iron Boar Presentation

 

4:00 pm – 5:00 pm

Judge Dredd: How We Do Things Where I Come From

* The views of Judge Dredd as regards police states and summary justice are not necessarily endorsed by N.S.P.C. ** Special thanks to Reed Richards for creating the interdimensional portal that brought Judge Dredd to our conference. *** Mr. Richards would like us to note that the incident last year when he brought Groo the Wanderer by mistake wasn’t his fault but the fault of a fight that Ben Grimm and Johnny Storm had about the last piece of angel food cake.

 

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