My Escape


I have come up with a plan to escape from prison. I think it can work, but I will require the following basic items:

  • One spoon.
  • One nail file.
  • One map of prison with the locations of all exits and security cameras carefully marked.
  • One chainsaw (the quiet kind).
  • Paperback copies of The Great Escape, Midnight Express and The Shawshank Redemption, to pick up some good tips on breaking out of jail.
  • One copy of Eat, Pray, Love, because my book club meets next week and I haven’t even started it.
  • One helper monkey (must be highly skilled with a chainsaw).
  • One nametag reading “Hi! My Name Is Biffles.” This is for Biffles. Biffles is the monkey.
  • One medium-size prison guard uniform for purposes of disguise.
  • One extra-small-size prison guard uniform, for Biffles (probably won’t fool anyone, but would be adorable).
  • One robot clone of me, to be placed in my cell, so guards will not suspect I am gone.
  • One fire extinguisher in case robot clone short circuits and bursts into flames.
  • Another robot to operate fire extinguisher.
  • One understudy to replace me as Curly McLain in the all-convicts production of Oklahoma!
  • Two hostages, preferably the kind that fall in love with their captors for some reason.
  • One jet pack, planted on the roof, along with highly detailed instruction manual.
  • One windbreaker, in case it gets chilly. (North Face brand preferred.)
  • One armored getaway car idling outside prison. (Since I will be watching the hostages, monkey will have to drive.)
  • One valid in-state driver’s license for Biffles.
  • One plane ticket to Guadalajara, Mexico.
  • One forged passport.
  • One book of Sudoku puzzles, to keep me occupied during flight.
  • One English-Spanish dictionary.
  • Ransom notes written with cut-out newspaper letters and mailed to hostages’ families. (Do not use personalized stationery, even though it was not cheap and I hardly ever get to use it.)
  • One screenplay based on my elaborate escape, co-starring Philip Seymour Hoffman and the monkey from Monkey Trouble. (If Philip Seymour Hoffman is unavailable or will not return calls, commence the building of robo-Philip Seymour Hoffman.)
  • One copy of prison dining schedule. If Tuesday is fajita night, scrap the whole plan and proceed with breakout on Wednesday.
  • One really good lawyer.

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