I have come up with a plan to escape from prison. I think it can work, but I will require the following basic items:

• One spoon.

• One nail file.

• One map of prison with the locations of all exits and security cameras carefully marked.

• One chainsaw (the quiet kind).

• Paperback copies of The Great Escape, Midnight Express and The Shawshank Redemption, to pick up some good tips on breaking out of jail.

• One copy of Eat, Pray, Love, because my book club meets next week and I haven’t even started it.

• One helper monkey (must be highly skilled with a chainsaw).

• One nametag reading “Hi! My Name Is Biffles.” This is for Biffles. Biffles is the monkey.

• One medium-size prison guard uniform for purposes of disguise.

• One extra-small-size prison guard uniform, for Biffles (probably won’t fool anyone, but would be adorable).

• One robot clone of me, to be placed in my cell, so guards will not suspect I am gone.

• One fire extinguisher in case robot clone short circuits and bursts into flames.

• Another robot to operate fire extinguisher.

• One understudy to replace me as Curly McLain in the all-convicts production of Oklahoma!

• Two hostages, preferably the kind that fall in love with their captors for some reason.

• One jet pack, planted on the roof, along with highly detailed instruction manual.

• One windbreaker, in case it gets chilly. (North Face brand preferred.)

• One armored getaway car idling outside prison. (Since I will be watching the hostages, monkey will have to drive.)

• One valid in-state driver’s license for Biffles.

• One plane ticket to Guadalajara, Mexico.

• One forged passport.

• One book of Sudoku puzzles, to keep me occupied during flight.

• One English-Spanish dictionary.

• Ransom notes written with cut-out newspaper letters and mailed to hostages’ families. (Do not use personalized stationery, even though it was not cheap and I hardly ever get to use it.)

• One screenplay based on my elaborate escape, co-starring Philip Seymour Hoffman and the monkey from Monkey Trouble. (If Philip Seymour Hoffman is unavailable or will not return calls, commence the building of robo-Philip Seymour Hoffman.)

• One copy of prison dining schedule. If Tuesday is fajita night, scrap the whole plan and proceed with breakout on Wednesday.

• One really good lawyer.