* Welcome to The Big Jewel, your one authorized escape from reality. Your guide this week is Kevin Shustack, whose first piece for us recounts his own escape plan. Personally, we feel the monkey is the weak link, but you be the judge.

My Escape


I have come up with a plan to escape from prison. I think it can work, but I will require the following basic items:

  • One spoon.
  • One nail file.
  • One map of prison with the locations of all exits and security cameras carefully marked.
  • One chainsaw (the quiet kind).
  • Paperback copies of The Great Escape, Midnight Express and The Shawshank Redemption, to pick up some good tips on breaking out of jail.
  • One copy of Eat, Pray, Love, because my book club meets next week and I haven’t even started it.