When Taking Candy From A Baby Isn’t So Easy: A Baker’s Dozen Of Reasons, And One That Doesn’t Count

By: Bruce Harris
  1. Setting must be considered first, prior to determining the ease at which one is able to put grubby fingers on an infant’s sweets. Let’s say the baby is atop a large Ferris wheel with an unopened Baby Ruth bar. You love Baby Ruth bars, but you suffer from acrophobia. See where this is going? Or, you could be in a library and the baby starts screaming. Never one to bring attention to yourself, you are understandably reluctant to approach. The baby could be a member of a leper colony. Or of a nudist colony. Still, you might find yourself one or more rows away from the candy-holding baby on an airplane while the captain has illuminated the “fasten seatbelt” sign. Perhaps the baby was born premature and is in an incubator. Doctors and hospital staff frown upon unwanted intrusions. Then again, the baby’s whereabouts might be unknown. The little tyke might have fistfuls of candy, all varieties, but if you don’t know where he/she is, what good is it? Enough on setting.
  2. Okay, maybe the baby is sitting out in the open with a wrapped 3 Musketeers bar waiting to be had. But, you’re blind and you don’t see it. Or, you see the infant and sweet confection plain enough, but due to a nasty fall from a Ferris wheel, both your hands are in casts.
  3. What about the condition of the baby? Let’s say the diaper hasn’t been changed in weeks. I didn’t want to go here, but when you get right down to it, a dozen valid reasons aren’t easy to come by.
  4. Forget items 1 to 3 above. Let’s say none apply. It’s summer. There is no air conditioning. The baby is sweating and clutching pieces of unwrapped chocolate in his/her palm. When chocolate gets warm, it softens. Scientifically speaking, 85 degrees Fahrenheit is the magic number. At 93°F the stuff melts and liquefies. You might want to turn and walk away from the baby at this point.
  5. The crib is on fire. Unless you have a fire extinguisher and the candy hasn’t burnt to a crisp, this is going to be an all-around difficult situation.
  6. The baby has already eaten the candy. You can resort to stomach pumping and/or induce regurgitation, but neither of these solutions comes under the “easy” heading.
  7. M&M’s are arranged to form the words “TOUCH ONE OF THESE AND DIE.” Looks can be deceiving. Even the most innocent face can hide a violent streak.
  8. The baby’s mother (or father) is transporting their bundle of joy in a baby wrap carrier tightly against her (or his) chest. I guess this could fall under the “setting” rubric, but it’s arguable.
  9. Sitting next to the baby and her Butterfinger bar is the family pet. It’s a pit bull and hasn’t eaten in a couple of days and is staring at you with a not-so-friendly look in its eyes.
  10. The baby is sitting next to you on a bus. He’s already eaten the red, green, orange and yellow sugared Jelly Delights. Only the black Chuckle remains and is within reach.*
  11. You’re one of the unfortunate few with a conscience. The Eighth Commandment has meaning to you, unless you follow one of the traditions that recognize “Thou shalt not steal” as the Seventh Commandment. Nevertheless, there is consistency for the religious among us. “Thou shalt not covet” is the Tenth Commandment across the board. Makes things tough, no?
  12. The baby is the current Prince and future King of England. Ask yourself: how are you going to penetrate that security blanket?
  13. The little tot has measles, chicken pox or some other communicable disease. On a related front, the infant’s body might be covered with a nasty rash from poison [fill in the blank] ivy, oak or sumac. No thanks.
  14. Considering that the average piece of candy contains virtually zero nutritional value and about 200+ calories, 4 grams of saturated fat, 30 grams of carbs, and 25 grams of sugar, maybe the prudent thing is to “just say no.” On the other hand, if the diminutive gal or guy has s’mores, ignore everything and go for it.

*Note — In this case it’s easy taking candy from the baby, but who really wants the licorice-flavored Chuckle?




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