The Pensacola Pentagon

By: Rolf Luchs

Over the last 200 years, 14,000 bags of butterscotch, 31 United States Presidents, eight maids a’milking, four-and-twenty blackbirds and three blind mice have mysteriously disappeared into the area that has come to be called the “Pensacola Pentagon.”

Many anonymous scientists have admitted they are completely baffled by these strange occurrences. The Navy refuses to comment on the matter. The Coast Guard wants to, but doesn’t know how. No one seems to know much of anything, although President Eisenhower has sometimes been heard faintly through the fog, shouting “Get me out of here!” Yet the evidence continues to mount…or does it?

In 1868, the schooner Wormwood XIII sank in a hurricane within the Pensacola Pentagon. The craft was discovered in 1969 under 300 feet of water. Subsequent investigation showed that except for a 50-by-20-foot gash in her hull, she was sound and seaworthy. What suicidal impulse compelled the crew to abandon this fine vessel, never to be seen again?

On February 28, 1955, a Romanian passenger jet vanished in mid-flight without a trace. Lost in this disaster were three persons, including the entire Romanian Olympic knitting team. The last ever heard from the plane was this cryptic message: “Knit one, purl two; knit one, purl two…Hey, either of you fellows mind if I open the window for a little fresh ai–”

On September 10, 1974, thousands of well-wishers swarmed to see the launching of the Titanic, only to find that the ship had sunk 62 years previously.

Who or what is behind these bizarre happenings? My mom? Your mom? Or is it merely a mutant horde of radioactive, flesh-eating, certified public accountant zombies that devours all in its path? Where is the Pensacola Pentagon, anyway? What is the government hiding from us, besides our names and addresses? On what three ideals was the French Revolution founded?

Perhaps an even more vexing question is why the phenomenon has confined itself to the Pensacola Pentagon instead of, for example, swallowing up Long Beach or New Jersey. We must conclude, sadly, that there are powerful alien forces working to destroy human civilization, and that should they ever unionize, we can all take a rain check on tomorrow.


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