The Poison Bagels

By: Brian Boone

Good morning.

No matter what bagel you’re in the mood for, I think you’ll find something that sounds good.

Oh, well, they’re all delicious.

If you’re wanting something savory, I recommend the pesto-parmesan.

If you’re craving something sweet, the raspberry is quite nice.

The whole wheat is surprisingly tasty. The poppy seed is my personal favorite.

Can’t go wrong with the classic white.

I would, however, suggest that you avoid the poison bagels.

Yes. They’re poison. They are poison bagels.

Those ones, right there.

Please do not eat the poison bagels.

I know, I know. And you are more than welcome to order them, if you like.

This is America.

But please do not order the poison bagels.

The poison bagels are poisonous.

Yes, but I know what you’re going to ask me.

Because a lot of people ask that question.

Very well.

I do not know why we sell them.

Nobody orders them.

Almost nobody orders them.

In fact, I have only ever seen one person buy the poison bagels.

Hmm? Oh, yes, he died.

Well, the toxicology report said “ingestion of poison,” but that could have been a lot of things. His wife could have poisoned him, for example.

Yes, he died from eating the poison bagels.

They’re poison bagels.

They do bear a resemblance to the “everything” bagels.

But those are not various seeds and spices on top of the poison bagels. It’s just a bunch of different kinds of poison.

You see, I’m not exaggerating. They aren’t “poisonous” in that they’re high in gluten, or made from nutritionally vacant white flour.

I’m serious.

They are poisonous. They are literally poisonous. Poison bagels.


And there’s poison baked into the dough, so you can’t just “pick off the poison.”

Why would you even do that?

It would be much easier, and a lot safer, just to order a different variety of bagel.

We have more than 20 other kinds of bagels available, and absolutely none of them are poisonous.

All they said to me, in regards to the poison bagels, was to explicitly discourage anyone from trying to buy them.

And to make sure that a fresh batch is available each morning.

My guess is that it’s the result of some kind of gentlemen’s bet from a long time ago.

And profit margins in the bakery business are razor-thin. So we can’t just throw them out.

That would be a real waste.

So there they are.

But please: Do not buy a poison bagel.

We have many other kinds of bagels.

Oh, yes. We do have free WiFi. But we can only give you the password if you buy one of a select few menu items.

One of those select menu items is poison bagels.

It’s the only select menu item.

Otherwise it’s 99 cents an hour.

Right away, sir.

Yes. It’s “PO1S0N.”

Would you like a cup of coffee with that?

No, ha-ha! The coffee is not poisonous. That’s funny!

It may, however, be a hint venomous.


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