The Insurance Report Written After Mr. And Mrs. Bay Came Home From Their Date Night

By: Nicolas Blessett


Bay Family.


Auto (2 vehicles), Home (fire and flood), Life (son Michael as beneficiary). Payments are up to date; well respected policy holders for over 13 years.

Exterior of Home:

The family minivan was found turned upside down and on fire in the driveway; an Aerosmith cassette could still be heard playing inside upon arrival. How this transpired is unknown to both neighbors and the babysitter. The lawn was riddled with large craters, seemingly as if the house was the sole recipient of falling meteors from space.

Note: No meteors nor any other large objects were found on or near the premises.

Observation: Some craters were shaped like what can only be described as large robot feet.

Note: No large robots were found on or near the premises.

Front of home was peppered with what upon visual inspection appeared to be bullet holes, yet no gun was heard nor was there any other existing evidence of gunplay. Front door was ajar from apparent shotgun blast to the knob; again no sign of actual gun use.

Interior of Home:

Living room furniture destroyed; wind from broken windows circulated the cotton contents of 5 pillows around the room; an ottoman was found turned upside down and on fire.

Observation: The room was beautifully lit by rays of sunshine coming through the bullet holes and contrasted remarkably with the wintry like feel of the cotton snowflakes.

Babysitter sat crying on the kitchen floor, knives and other sharp utensils stuck into the floor forming a semi-circle around her.

Interview: Babysitter was severely traumatized; all she could remember was young Michael screaming, “Stuff just got real!” and then somersaulting into an adjacent room.

Michael’s bedroom was found flooded with water; toy ships floating alongside toy sailors who were face down in the water and on fire; toy planes were suspended with wires above the ships.

Interview: Mrs. Bay revealed that the boy and his father had recently watched Tora Tora Tora together on televison; she relates that the boy was overwhelmed with the action and mayhem of the film and apparently missed the social significance of the event altogether.

Rear wall of home was demolished outward.

Exterior of Home Cont:

Rubble lay in the backyard from rear wall of home; babysitter’s car found turned upside down and on fire. The entire yard was flooded from a running garden hose; in the middle of the yard was a makeshift fort, as if one had created their own personal island.

Interview: Mr. Bay said he and his son had rented Escape from Alcatraz earlier that week and the boy asked if anyone had ever broken into the prison; Mr. Bay of course told him that was a silly idea and should be forgotten.

Observation: The angle of the fort in juxtaposition with the home and sun created a massive shadow, creating the illusion that the water was much deeper than it actually was; the aesthetics of the fort were admirable, however further inspection of the craftsmanship revealed a severe lack of quality.

Michael himself was found soiled in mud from head to toe inside the fort. Scattered around him were random toys of different genres: soldiers, aliens, robots, cars, robot cars, and car robots. Apparently the boy had gone to the trouble of also constructing an entirely different island inside the fort island. On it were tiny paper dolls made to look like his family and friends.

Observation: A severe lack of “friend” paper dolls were found.

Note: The boy had no real friends; this statement was backed up by Mr. and Mrs. Bay.

Interview: Michael, who spoke with major enthusiasm but little insight, called the paper dolls clones and insisted that they were to be kept a secret. The interview ended abruptly when a firecracker went off in the distance and the boy’s attention swiftly followed.


Damage estimated at $157,456.


Claim denied.


Policy terminated.


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