* Welcome to The Big Jewel, which is a little like Lake Wobegon in the sense that all of our children are above average. Or so we'd like to believe. Just ask Sally Miller.

What To Do When You Learn That Your Gifted Child Did Not Test As Gifted: FAQs

By: Sally Miller

First let us offer you our sincerest sympathies in these difficult times. We here at the Testing Center of Gifted and Talented Children are well aware of the emotional distress caused upon discovering that your child, while of course very special (to you — and that’s why you told everyone about it at birthday parties), is not in fact gifted, highly gifted, talented, highly talented, highly proficient, visionary, extraordinary, quite clever, exceptional, 6 going on 30, or your “little philosopher.”

Below we answer some commonly asked questions parents have upon receiving their child’s test results.

How did we get here? How is this possible?

Often well-meaning parents will misidentify their child as gifted by misreading common signs. When your child seemed bored in class it was actually because (s)he was daydreaming about his/her lunchables and not because (s)he was mulling over how to restore damage caused by the current Trump administration, composing a sequel to Hamilton, or wondering when the producers of This American Life will greenlight his/her new podcast.

But his grandparents said it, too!

Yes, of course they did.

What will I talk about at the PTA bake sales, book club, birthday parties, or in the Whole Foods checkout line?

While it will be tricky to find other topics of conversation, we offer some talking points to deflect from questions about your child’s average intelligence and test result scores. For instance, “Does this have gluten?” is always a good conversation starter. It can be used in all aforementioned scenarios. Once you have mentioned your gluten allergies, you will be able to discuss a myriad of gluten-related subjects. If there are no snacks at the book club, ponder over a character’s food allergies.

Perhaps it’s Einstein Syndrome?

Clutch onto this idea like your child did to your breast at age four.

But what about those monogrammed preschool alphabet block letters from DwellStudio that (s)he put in order?

A parent should ask her/himself just how much they “adjusted” a “couple” of blocks for an Instagram and/or facebook #momslittlegenius post.

What does this mean for my marriage?

Sometimes this new information can lead to more questions, blame, and eventually divorce. Who is responsible for the child’s average intelligence? Maybe you should have married someone with a PhD? Why did you let her have wine at the baby shower? Was his recreational marijuana use really recreational? To understand what it means for YOUR marriage, we recommend that you take the couples’ test “I just learned that my child is not gifted, what does this mean for my marriage?”

Will my child now be in classes with the same children I pointed out as average?

It is not uncommon for your child to remain in classes with other ordinary, mundane, unexceptional children. The curriculum will be the same for your child as all the others. However, take solace in the fact that your first-grader may still remain in extracurricular activities such as SAT, GRE and STaR test preps, weekend trips to tour Ivy League colleges, auditing classes at your nearest private university, and working with a tutor on perfecting his/her college personal statement essay.

Does this mean that I am not gifted?

You are also probably of average intelligence. However, we recommend that you take the parent test offered by our Testing Center of Gifted and Talented Children’s Parents to confirm.

Were all those Facebook Quiz results not accurate?

No. They were not.

Who do I contact to sue the testing center for giving us the wrong test results?

We suggest consulting LegalZoom.

While we cannot guarantee lifelong success for your child, you may be comforted with the idea that your child could overcome intellectual adversities. It is possible that (s)he may go on to write a memoir (turned film) about a young child who was deemed average, but then with lots of hard work, determination, and the removal of sugar, screen time and childhood joy, became a genius MIT math professor with crippling mental illness brought on by overbearing parents. Sundance will call it a “tour de force.”

For more questions, please call our 24-hour emergency crisis hotline.