In today’s fast-paced Internet-driven age, it seems like we have instant access to all the information important to making life’s big decisions. Unfortunately, as expectant parents, you’re still almost entirely in the dark about the little Joey or Joanna you’ll be taking home to raise for eighteen (or more!) years. Besides the baby’s gender, what do you really know? Will he be an artist or an athlete? Will she like sushi or burritos? We know that these are the questions that keep you up at night. But science has failed you…
Until now! Here at Ultrasoundz Plus, our goal is to get future parents the nitty-gritty details of their future Michael or Michaela. With our customizable Process-guided Reveal Plans, you can choose how much you want to know about your upcoming bundle. To help you figure out if our services are right for you, we’ve put together a list of frequently asked questions (FAQ):
Q: What information can you reveal about our baby?
A: We can currently evaluate your baby in over five hundred domains, including:
— Political affiliation
— Likely college major
— Favorite sports team
— Spotify playlist preference
— Estimated lifetime number of tattoos and piercings
— Estimated lifetime number of sexual partners
— Eye color
Q: A lot of these seem oddly specific. How do you do it?
A: We’re able to estimate the likelihood of particular traits through a combination of advanced ultrasound imaging, blood sample testing and pseudoscience.
A: Did we say pseudoscience? Must have been a typo. We meant real, hardcore, actual “science.” With beakers and lab coats. The whole nine yards. And don’t let the fact that we put “science” in quotes make you question our “scientific” integrity. Just one of those weird regulatory quirks that the Trump administration will hopefully be doing away with.
Q: Well, how accurate are your findings?
A: It varies, of course, depending on which trait we’re analyzing. For biological sex, we hit the nail on the head a solid 55% of the time. Everything else is a bit more hit-or-miss. But that’s “science” for you!
Q: So, what do you mean by “advanced ultrasound imaging”?
A: Well, while your neighborhood fly-by-night ultrasound clinic just looks at the basics like fetal size and penis presence, our Processors go the extra mile by examining fetal response to stimuli ranging from various musical genres to TED talks to excerpts of Russian literature.
Q: That sounds in-depth. How long does this exam take?
A: Roughly sixteen hours.
A: It flies by! We offer a wide variety of second-tier Hollywood titles and quasi-religious Process infomercials for the mom-to-be to watch while we subject her little hombre (or hombrette!) to a variety of noxious stimuli.
Q: Wow. So, how does this actually work?
A: We’ll give you an example. Like most expectant parents, you’ve probably wondered, “Which side will my little angel take in the ongoing feud between Taylor Swift and Katy Perry?” This is exactly the kind of question our Process is set up to answer. Through headphones placed strategically over the pregnant belly, we’ll play selections from the catalog of each pop princess and monitor fetal movements. We’ll also examine fetal blood cells cultivated from a maternal blood sample. Did you know there’s a gene associated with the phenotype of preferring Taylor Swift to Katy Perry?
A: Are you a geneticist, a family member of a geneticist or otherwise a member of the “scientific” community?
A: Then, really!
Q: You keep mentioning the “Process.” What is that?
A: Oh, the details aren’t important. Suffice it to say that Processors are the reincarnated soldiers of the Western Song dynasty, now training under the guidance of Master Tyler in preparation for the Third Intergalactic War.
Q: So…you’re a cult?
A: Wow! Slow down there with your trigger words! You sound just like the IRS. Are you from the IRS?
A: Great! We should leave the details of what’s a “cult” vs. what’s a legitimate ultrasound business to the results of several ongoing lawsuits. The only two things that you need to know are:
- We would like access to your human baby’s blood, and
- We would like to play that baby some messages in utero while you watch a series of increasingly brain-cleansing videos.
And, in return, you’ll get a seventy-five-page personality profile! Ready to sign up???
Q: [ ]
A: Think it over, but don’t take too long! Our current Groupon is only available through the end of the week. And once the Third Intergalactic War begins, our staffing will be pretty bare-bones.