* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we never publish any historical pieces that might appear to have some bearing on current events. That would be anachronistic. If not anarchic. Please say a big "Shalom!" to Philip Kaplan, appearing here for the first time.

Jews For Hitler

By: Philip Kaplan

You can’t pick up a newspaper without an editorial complaining about Jews who voted for Hitler. “What were they thinking?” the commentators ask. “Do they have any regrets?” Well, I’m a Jew who voted Hitler, and I have no regrets. I would do it again, if I were still allowed to vote.

Hitler’s message of Make Germany Great really resonated with me. I think lowering taxes on the wealthy is shrewd thinking, because one day I will be wealthy. Stopping corruption in government, also a fantastic idea. If I’m going to quibble with anything, it would be the part about the extermination of the Jews. But the thought of another four years of Hindenburg was too much to bear. Hitler means change. And he gave great rallies! I loved it when he gave it to the communists — what a bunch of arugula eating losers. The stuff I agreed with, he was gonna do 100%. The rest was just to annoy the communists. Hitler sure could get under their skin.

When I look at Hitler, I see a man just like me. He speaks his mind. When he said, If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed, I thought, what a guy. You can really trust him. And he’s a genius! Hindenburg said that unemployment was a complicated matter that required planning and had no simple answers. Hitler’s plan was clear: hire the best people to figure it out — he went with Goebbels. Or about hyperinflation. Hitler was crystal clear that the solution was “not as difficult as people thought.” Or the defeat in the Great War. A matrix of interlocking issues with unintended consequences brought about by a complex and interdependent world? Nope. It was the Jews. I mean, probably some of the Jews.

Could I read something that might change my mind? Where? A newspaper?! Don’t make me laugh. Hitler says newspapers are lying about him. L├╝genpresse, he says. And why would Hitler lie? Newspapers are written by reporters, and reporters go into the business because they are communists, and how do I know this? I read it in a newspaper! Plus, newspapers went easy on Hindenburg. You show me one paper that accused Hindenburg of being a manipulative, lying charlatan and I will show you a dozen that say the same or worse about Hitler. In my opinion, we should beat up all reporters who write things I don’t agree with. Like Hitler says, “Lock ’em up.” Reporters, not me.

Today, Hitler is again calling for the extermination of the Jews. But here’s what really pisses me off: the communists still look down on me. They’re calling me stupid for voting for my own death. Well, if they want me to change my mind, they need to convince me that I made a mistake without making it seem like I was stupid, or racist, or ill-informed. That’s gonna be tough. You say Hitler’s going to stop my health insurance and exterminate me, I say it’s the media. You say Hitler’s going to get us involved in a disastrous war, I say it’s the homosexuals. You see the problem.

I’m not what you would call a political person, but I know what I like and what I don’t like. I don’t like the communists, I don’t like the Gypsies, I like Hitler, and I don’t like it when someone points out that Hitler is literally working against my own self-interests at every turn. So Hitler’s still my man. He makes me feel good — not physically — food’s a little hard to get — but emotionally. Give me Hitler or give me death. Or probably both.