* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we are always ready to fight for truth, justice and the American way. Just don't make us fight in a hole. Especially the hole where Matt Rowan is hiding.

Fight In A Hole

By: Matt Rowan

Hey you — you wanna talk all big, guy? I’m right here. Right down here in this hole.

See me now? Down here? Over here? No, down over here.

Yeah, that’s it.

So like I say, come on down. Fight me. Any time, anywhere in this hole.

Do you see me down here? No, not do you see “the hole.” We already went over that. Of course you can see the hole. Can you see me inside of the hole? Ha! Not really, probably? It’s probably not very easy, guy! I’m really concealed down here, in this hole.

What if, inside this hole, I am a little to your left? Or I’m a little to your right? With a radius of roughly two and a half feet, these things matter. Come down here and find out exactly how much. I’m prepared to be kicked in the face as you climb in. Are you prepared for me to gnaw on your boot with my pretty strong teeth and mandible?

Because you’d better be.

C’mon! Come down here and fight like a man in a hole. Oh what? You’re too “honorable” to fight in a hole like a man who’s so much of a “coward” he has to fight in a hole, using the weapons he keeps in his hole for protection against capable fighters?

You’re not better than me, man; you don’t have your own hole to fight in. My hole heightens my own natural fighting abilities to such an extent that I would literally put myself at a disadvantage were I to fight outside of my hole. For example, there are things I can’t do outside of my hole that, for one reason or another, are entirely within my means down here: biting, clawing at and gouging eyes, tearing scrotums, and spitting in faces, all while screaming. You don’t know what fighting method I will choose! You cannot make me feel shame for my ways as has happened so many times in the light of day, outside the advantage of my hole!

The anonymity you learn in a hole is what makes fighting me in this hole so dangerous. As I’ve said, am I to your left or to your right? Am I extremely tall or portly and dumpy-looking? You can’t know for certain.

Of course this isn’t exactly a hole. I’ve actually burrowed into the side of a hill. It’s really a kind of half hole / half dirt cave sort of thing. I get a lot of dirt in my mouth. But as far as fighting goes, I’m tough to beat. Now, sure, I have been beaten. I don’t pretend to be invincible in my hole, just very threatening and dirty. And I’m close to invincible.

I lose maybe half the time, tops.

Besides, most often I’m fighting my greatest enemy, which is the hole itself. It collapses a lot because I initially neglected to determine the integrity of the soil I’ve dug myself into. I’ve since added load-bearing buttresses that work very well except on those occasions when I knock them out of position and have to dig myself out of my greatest enemy, the enemy within, that I’m within. The hole itself, remember?

Yes, the hole continues to cave in, often smothering me while I sleep. But I’m a feisty digger, which is one among other things that makes me too threatening for non-hole-dwelling society. It’s a large part of why I’ve come to reside here, down here, in here.

So go ahead and try it, buddy. Start something you can’t finish. One man, one hole, one boy not prepared to deal with one man in one hole, that’s what you’ll get in here. And yes, I referred to you as a boy. You can only do something about it down here, so c’mon.

Oh, what’s that you’ve got there? Cute. A “weapon?” I’ve got way better weapons than that down here, than that flimsy old stick. Oh and what are you doing now? You’re sharpening an end of it? What, you think that stick’s even going to fit down here? This hole is maybe, tops, six feet deep. It won’t do you any good down here, but hop down and see. Give it a try. I think you’ll find I’ve learned a thing or two since the last time I was bested by a man wielding a much too long tree branch.

Wait, no, quit stabbing at me from a safe distance outside of the hole. No, come in here and try stabbing! Come fight in the hole! Stop stabbing to the left. I’m to the right. I swear. I wouldn’t lie to you. Don’t be misled by that flesh-puncturing sound!

Ahhhhhhhhhh, my super strong mandible!