* Welcome to The Big Jewel, described by many readers as a form of literary sleep apnea. Say hello to first-time contributor Kelly Mack.

How To Adjust To Using A CPAP Machine In 31 Easy Steps

By: Kelly Mack

Recently, doctors discovered a new and terrible condition called sleep apnea. It can cause heart damage, as well as assault the ear canals of any person within 10 miles of your reverberating snores.

Fortunately, a handy device called a CPAP machine was invented to address this pernicious problem. It prevents death by self-suffocation while sleeping by inducing death by sleep deprivation through blasting sudden, strong air puffs up your nose. Doctors have diagnosed millions of people (whom they didn’t like much) who require this ingenious treatment.

While some people complain on the Internet about the usefulness and utility of such a device, this article is not intended to address those concerns. However, the good news is that it is plenty easy to adjust to the CPAP machine by following these 31 easy steps:

  1. Open the box and marvel at the tangle of tubes, mask, and machinery to be assembled.
  2. Groan loudly and relinquish the box to verified spouse for assembly.
  3. Watch as spouse flips through one of many instruction booklets for guidance on proper assembly and cleaning.
  4. Cry softly to self with anticipated agony when the machine is finally assembled.
  5. Sit patiently as spouse fits mask over your head and nostrils.
  6. Start hyperventilating and rip mask off head after spouse turns on machine.
  7. Waste time flipping through one of many instruction booklets to see if machine can be adjusted to human body (not “Woolly Mammoth” settings).
  8. Make some other excuse for delaying putting mask back on. (Example: “The dish washer isn’t going to clean itself!”)
  9. Realize that machine wasn’t working because vice-like mask (think face-hugging alien from Alien movie trilogy) was really not tight enough.
  10. Put mask on again and have spouse tighten until you scream. (Luckily, screams are muffled by mask.)
  11. Sit for a few minutes with mask on, but device not turned on.
  12. Do NOT think about fact that you cannot breathe and face feels like it is wrapped in rubber bands better suited for a sadomasochism orgy. (Note: Better not to mention this thought to spouse.)
  13. Ask spouse to turn on device.
  14. Ask spouse to turn off device.
  15. Ask spouse to turn on device.
  16. Ask spouse to turn off device.
  17. Ask spouse to turn on device.
  18. Realize that you are breathing through your mouth, which defies purpose of device.
  19. Breathe in through nose and observe musty, plastic smell of mask.
  20. Ponder risk of someday acquiring nostril cancer from plastic inhalation.
  21. Breathe out through nose despite blast of cold air shooting up nostrils like an air cannon.
  22. Try to calm fear of brain exploding due to air pressure.
  23. Realize this is worse than scuba diving and daydream about being under water (drowning).
  24. Lie down and pretend to sleep in order to fool spouse.
  25. Fall asleep despite wind tunnel effect in your nose.
  26. Wake up to to hurricane-like weather blasting your face.
  27. Fall back asleep due to exhaustion from sleep deprivation.
  28. Wake up wondering why a tornado is attacking you.
  29. Start crying only to realize tears may gather inside mask and suffocate you.
  30. Realize that you are accepting this scenario.
  31. Congratulations, you are adjusted!