* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we specialize in bringing people together, especially people who are not that together and have no interest in getting together. Enjoy the comedy stylings of Jennifer Scharf and Joanna McClanahan.

Pick-Up Lines For Introverts

By: Jennifer Scharf & Joanna McClanahan

So, do you not go anywhere often?

I require very little dopamine. How about you?

I’m not a bitch; I just have resting introvert face.

Want to get out of here? Separately? To our own homes?

I’m an INFP looking for an INTP. Do you think we might be a match?

You had me at “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”

I can give you my number but please don’t call.

I’m just going to stand here and watch you from a comfortable distance.

You’re like the sun: hot but impossible to make direct eye-contact with.

I think I need some vitamin D. No really, because seasonal depression.

I’m not drunk; I’m just an introvert.

This conversation is exhausting me — can we just have sex now?

Damn boy, are you terms and conditions? Because I’ll agree to anything to get out of this.

I love a good one-on-one controlled and thorough discussion about life. As long as it’s online.

I’m only pretending to text because I don’t know how to have a conversation with you.

It looks like a beautiful day, but what do I know? I never go outside.

If I seem quiet, it’s because you’re loud as fuck.

I don’t think we’ve met before. Actually I know we haven’t, because I don’t talk to anyone.

I’d make plans just to break them for you.

Can you pass me my headphones? I’m ready to tune you out.

You look so familiar¬†—¬†didn’t I avoid you at the grocery store yesterday?

Can we take a picture together to prove to my friends that I have a social life?

Girl, are you my feet? Because I can’t look away from you!

I’m terrible at small talk, but I make a killer playlist.

Damn girl, you’re hotter than my laptop burning up on a Netflix binge.

I’ll become an extrovert if you get me drunk enough.

I’m “indoorsy.” How about you?

I’d love to hang out the next time you feel like leaving your home!

You can friend me on Facebook. That’s where I’m a fake extrovert.

Did I mention that I hate going outside and talking to people?

Let’s share our quietness together. Forever.