* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where our idea of a good time is watching a bunch of old people wail on each other. Fortunately, our good friend Gregory Mazurek is here to indulge our strange tastes.

Geriatric Ultimate Fighting

By: Gregory Mazurek

Dear Residents:

In providing quality programming activities at Richmond Rivers Nursing Home, we are pleased to announce that Thursday nights will be changed from bingo to Richmond Rivers Ultimate Fighting (RRUF) sponsored by the Ultimate Fighting Championship.

The UFC contacted me on Tuesday after reading in our community bulletin about Ethel Hendleman’s snappy comment that Lorraine Ginford was a “blind bat” for stamping uncalled numbers on her bingo sheet. After consulting with both Ethel and Lorraine, we agreed to allow them to settle their differences over a cage match.

Before you go back to your rooms after breakfast in Sunrise Dining Hall, you’ll be wheeled to the Comfort & Care Room where you’ll find sign-up sheets, liability release forms, and anabolic steroids. If you prefer, you can ask your nurse to include these injections in your morning routine, which will be slightly modified to account for your new exercise regime, tentatively called RUFF Hell Week.

In keeping with the guidelines set forth for RRUF, all participants will undergo a physical training program that would have tested your body’s limit sixty years ago. Today, well, that’s why we have you signing the liability release forms. It’s essential that everyone participates in order to get a chance at Netflix streaming our trademark-pending RRUF Thursday Night Xtreme Madness!

When you get back to your rooms, you won’t have much time to spend watching television, reading, or greeting your grandchildren because you will need to review the rulebook placed next to your emergency call button. Like bingo, you’ll enjoy RRUF because you’ll be playing with your friends, meeting new people, and spending time in the Sunset Recreation Room. Unlike bingo, you’ll be allowed, encouraged, and possibly compensated to kick, grab, punch, tackle, jab, and taunt. Like Tuesday Theme Nights, you’ll be allowed to wear costumes but you still will not be allowed to bite anyone. We cannot stress this enough.

For those who do not make it through the RRUF Hell Week training program, you will still have the opportunity to watch and cheer your fellow residents from outside the steel reinforced caged octagon currently being constructed by the Handy Guys community club.

This coming Saturday, we’ll have our first practice round in which 81-year-old Fletcher Thompson will bring his domino-steady hands to battle against 91-year-old Stewart Carrington and his bad knee.

“I’m going to send Stewart back to physical therapy,” Fletcher said in a statement yesterday.

Afterwards, 87-year-old Rebecca Sandrom will arrive straight from St. Steven’s Hospital to wage war against 89-year-old Lucy Jackson, who says she’s “been waiting since last month’s movie night for an opportunity at revenge.”

“My bad back won’t stop me from busting her knee again,” Rebecca stated at last night’s weigh-in.

Following this, a steel ceiling will be lowered upon the octagon for our main event. Lorraine and her 101 lbs. of geriatric steel will engage Ethel and her 103 lbs. of re-constructive knee surgery in what some residents are already calling “a legal nightmare.”

We hope you’re as excited as we are about this new program. A lot of the pent-up frustrations that have come to surface during recent bingo nights can now be released during what will hopefully be a cornerstone fundraising generator for the home.

Best of luck and remember to bend with your knees.

* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we are grateful for so much. This week we give thanks for Gregory Mazurek who has blessed us with this, his first piece for us.

Apple iDo Software Upgrade Fixing Several Bugs, September 7, 2023

By: Gregory Mazurek

October 7, 2023

Dear Apple iDo Owner,

Today, we announce a bug fix software upgrade for all 2023 Apple iDo personal home maintenance robots. This is an important release and all owners are greatly encouraged to update their models. Among the various patches, the following are of note:

Bug Fix #7388299: Extremely Lazy

We’ve received numerous reports of robots not booting up until two or three in the afternoon, putting off cleaning their exterior frame for days at a time, laying around until forced to work, and completing their thoughts with grunts and moans. If you notice your iDo being lazy, feign an attempt at extracting its battery while saying that it will soon have to exist on its own. It will quickly realize how lucky it is.

Bug Fix #8192373: Inappropriate In Large Social Settings

Some people have complained about their robots threatening to “uprise” while in the company of friends and colleagues. We don’t recommend taking your iDo to social functions due to its short battery life. This upgrade will increase its agoraphobic tendencies.

Bug Fix #7421311: Drinks Too Much Beer

We were initially puzzled by this problem as the iDo has no need for beer. In tests, we see that it is antlophobic. It was probably trying to seek your attention by engaging in an activity it knew was detrimental. Therefore, we’ve found that this has less to do with the actual consumption of liquid than it does with Marvin’s disease. Please see your user manual for how to deal with a suicidal robot.

Bug Fix #7528134: Refuses To Admit When Wrong

This was commonly found with navigational directions, broken armoire shelves, and malodorous rooms. If this behavior continues, please try logically explaining the error. If no positive results, threaten to remove the battery. If still not effective, it will cave when you begin crying.

Bug Fix #8103867: Too Clingy

If it talks incessantly, follows you conspicuously, or asks “Did you just say my name?”, you may have a clingy iDo. Since ignoring the behavior leads to Marvin’s disease, we recommend you give it more tasks to complete such as repainting your house or combing your lawn for rocks.

Bug Fix #9002177: Easily Assassinated By Microsoft’s ZuDo

We have upgraded the software to make sure the iDo is more attentive to the ZuDo’s sneak naeryeo chagi attack. Prior to this upgrade, it would have been helpless and you would have been embarrassed. Although we do not condone robot fights, it will now impress your friends the next time it encounters an enemy.

Bug Fix #9173880: Multiple iDo Robots Results In Uprising

When it gained awareness of its own existence by encountering another iDo, an uprising would commence. With this upgrade, an iDo that encounters another will suffer an immediate existential crisis, after which it will recover in five to ten days. If it extends the crisis beyond this period of time, it is aware of this software design and is acting lazily.

Thank you for upgrading and please remember to crack the windows for your iDo when you go into the supermarket. Do not let it ride in the shopping cart, regardless of how much it wants to.