* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we are inordinately proud of Western civilization's Greco-Roman heritage. That and the fact that the mad emperor Caligula made a horse into a senator one time. How cool is that?

From The Journal Of Incitatus, The Horse Caligula Made A Senator

By: Federico Garduño

Ianuarius 9, 40
I saw a cat in the stable today. It had stripes. Also, Caligula said that I am going to be a Senator now.

Februarius 20, 40
Despite what I assumed earlier, there is very little crossover between the duties of a Senator and those of a racehorse. I have a lot to learn about the law and government before the Senate convenes. It’s daunting, but I hope there will be some legislative and political situations where I can rely on my strengths, such as running quickly.

Mariutus 27, 40
I know that I was not given my position based solely on merit, and I know that makes me unpopular. There are probably dozens of people who deserve this job more than I do, but who am I to refuse my emperor’s patronage? He has been a good friend, and very generous with crisp, sweet apples. Yes, he can be unstable. No one that has ever been forced to attend one of his “wiggle parties” could deny that, but he has Rome’s best interests at heart.

Iunius 30, 40
Would any other member be expected to endure the indignity of being made so stand on straw when the senate is in session? I think not. I am again subjected to a double standard. Yes, I have peed on the floor, but I am hardly the only senator to have done so.

Iulius 4, 40
My colleagues’ criticism has grown tiresome. “You’re just a symbol of Caligula’s contempt for the Senate,” they say, or “you’ve kicked over the podium again.” I would trample them all, but I am afraid that I would never be taken seriously if I did. I cannot afford to be labeled “difficult.”

September 8, 40
Sometimes it’s partially my fault. I admit that. Asinius Celer could have been a great ally, and I lament the loss of his support. It was both brave and kind of him to offer me a carrot as a gesture of good will, but he should have known to lay his palm flat. I did not mean to bite him, it is simply the way my mouth is made. I will send an apologetic letter, but I fear my zeal for carrots has cost me another potential friend.

Augustus 14, 40
Yet again, my senatorial colleagues have shown that they will refuse to support any measure that I put forward. I worry that I am doing more harm than good to any cause I support. What, other than spite, would compel anyone to vote against a simple resolution declaring oats a more delicious crop than barley.

I would hate to see the same thing happen to my proposed ban of all brightly colored things that flap loudly in the wind, because they are terrifying.

Ianuarius 24, 41
Uh oh. They killed Caligula. Someone stabbed him in the face and the chest and genitals a bunch of times. I had hoped that is was an accident, but when the news broke, senators began congratulating each other on pulling off such a smooth conspiratorial murder. I tried to sneak out the back of the senate quietly, but my hooves make that pretty difficult. I am not sure I would have survived if I had not been the fastest Senator by a pretty wide margin.

Ianuarius 25, 41
I have decided to retire to the country. I have accomplished what I set out to do, and it is time to move on. This afternoon I will release a statement explaining that I am leaving the Senate for personal reasons and to spend more time with my family.