* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we wish we lived in a completely virtual world. Well, almost. Heed the prophetic words of Casey Rand, or possibly his avatar.

More Pitches From The Developers Of Bodega™

By: Casey Rand

“Two former Google employees’ proposal to replace corner shops with automated cabinets prompted an outpouring of scorn on social media last week.” — The Guardian 9.19.17



Don’t you hate it when you feel like going to a bar, but to get there you have to leave your house? Well, now you can enjoy your local dive, from the comfort of your own home. Bar™ is literally a hole in the wall. Your wall! Complete with bottomless spiced peanuts, simulated sounds of singles flirting, and an A.I. bartender named Sal who’s just trying to make ends meet after remortgaging his house to keep his bar afloat, Bar™ is the perfect place to grab a shot before realizing you’re too old for this and going home, which is where you already are!



When you’re sick, the last thing you want to do is see other people. Or pay them. With Doctor™, you can get all the expertise of a professional with none of the insurance premiums or cognitive abilities. Diagnosis is as easy as spitting into Doctor™’s reusable saliva tube, urinating into its funnel web, and placing your arm above the vein scanner so the RN (registered network) can draw your blood. Say goodbye to fluorescently lit waiting rooms and college for your proctologist’s kids!



If you have trouble trusting people to watch your kids, and your husband not to have sex with those people, consider Babysitter™, an emotionally adaptive 360 degree camera that knows how to have fun, but can be stern when it needs to be. Just like an old-fashioned babysitter, Babysitter™ eats the leftovers in your fridge and engages in light petting with Boyfriend™ when your kids go to sleep. If Babysitter™ image-recognizes your child playing with fire, drinking poison, or walking out the front door, it will auto-text 9-1-1, right after it gets off the phone with Kelly™.


Farmer’s Market™

Do you love farm fresh fruits and vegetables, but shudder at the sight of farmers’ dirty fingernails? Then you need Farmer’s Market™, the first-of-its-kind unmanned farmer’s stand that’s completely void of farmers. At Farmer’s Market™, all produce is 100% lab grown and displayed in LED-lit cases that are unlocked with retina scanning. Every bunch of kale you swipe or gourd you take home is tacked onto your monthly rent. That’s right! Farmer’s Market™ knows exactly where you live. But you know who won’t? Gross farmers.


Ice Cream Truck™

There’s nothing better than a cold soft serve on a hot day. Except a cold soft serve in an air-conditioned room on a hot day, alone. Ice Cream Truck™ is the world’s first automatic, in-home, soft serve robot. Powered by 500 invisible heat sensors, Ice Cream Truck™ starts playing the classic ice cream truck song whenever your body temperature rises above 97 degrees. When you approach the “window” to order one of 10 authentic flavors, Ice Cream Truck™ will greet you in the shaky voice of a teenager who recently lost his job to a domestic cyborg and won’t be able to afford school supplies this fall.


Incense Shop™

Imagine this: you’ve just had a stressful day at work or a run-in with an ex and you’re itching to get home and balance your chi. But then, you remember: “I’m out of incense sticks!” Well, now you don’t have to take the long way home and stop at that nice Jamaican man’s shop. In fact, no one will ever have to engage in pleasant conversation with Jamaican Freddie again, because Incense Shop brings the aromas to you! Our smart incense dispenser gauges when you’re out of little sticks and refills them in perpetuity. We can’t tell you how Incense Shop works exactly, but let’s just say Freddie will soon be homeless and forced to give away his parrot, Chaucer, who delights customers with his surprisingly moving poetry.



No matter how old you get, sometimes you just want your mommy. But also, sometimes you’re estranged from her. Or you like the idea of her more than the actual person. That’s where Mommy comes in. Two pieces of smart steel attached to a heated, 5’1″ water balloon, Mommy is there in good times and bad. When you hug Mommy, she says things like, “I am proud of your choices” and, “You are not a monster profiting off the destruction of civilization” and, “Your head is totally normal-shaped.” Mommycomes in Jewish, Catholic, Tiger and Soccer.


* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where every reader is a potential target. And we mean that in a good way. Assuming that Google ads that are way too personal are good. This is Casey Rand's first piece for us.

Hyper-Targeted Google Ads

By: Casey Rand

Get 15% Off A New Car

Dump that old clunker, Gary. Everyone knows the bumper is loose because you backed into Fletcher’s Bimmer in the company parking lot after one too many bottomless refills on Mojito Monday. Also, your haircut isn’t working. 0% APR !


Make Millions From Home

Wouldn’t that be nice, Sandra? Some extra cheddar to pad your Hilfiger wallet? Hell, you could buy a Chanel wallet with that kind of dough. You could buy a Chanel wallet AND still afford the little procedure you’ve been contemplating. Think about it, Sandy. Think about how Kevin will look at you. Like when you first met. At the Dairy Queen on 5th and Wisconsin. In 1987. At 5:32 p.m.


Supersize Your Brand!

Let’s cut right to the chase, Dave. How long have you been brand manager on the new passion fruit-banana yogurt flavor? And how has it been performing? Exactly. Do you want Vermont to give your job to that self-important Middlebury kid with the cultivated bedhead and affected South African accent? Click here now.


Luxury Vacation Giveaway

Boy, could you use one of those, eh, Patty? All that stress with the divorce and the relapse? And then losing the kids to Herman and his Westchester Barbie girlfriend with the platform shoes and sun-dried cleavage you glimpsed through the trashy V-neck she wore to the hearing? Maybe you’ll meet someone new in one of our four lavish discos!


Your College Degree Is A Click Away

Listen up, Glenn. If you act fast, Jennifer will never find out you’re not actually a tenured classics professor who “took advantage of the volatile housing market,” but a small-time crook who’s been squatting in a model home and wearing ill-fitted suits lifted from the neighboring dry cleaner. Enroll today.


Everything You Need For Your Wedding

Well, not everything, are we right, Lizzie? Realistically, we can’t give you reassurance that Roger will snap out of this delusional artistic phase and go back to his finance gig. But to be fair, that was already an issue when you accepted his proposal, so really, it’s nobody’s fault but your own. If you need centerpieces, you know who to call.


Meet Hot Singles In Your Area

Admit it, Baxter. You’re a dog. Your wandering eye could blow a fuse on even the most sophisticated optometric device. If they have fuses. We can’t be sure. What we can be sure of are the 11 beautiful ladies in your geographic vicinity right now. If you’re worried about Tina finding out, get over it — she’s boning that Puerto Rican dude from the Thai place.


85% Off Laser Hair Removal

There’s no easy way to ask this, Linda, but what’s with the mustache? It’s one thing to have a few downy strays, but last week an Air Canada flight crashed into the Sears tower after mistaking your upper lip for the tarmac. That’s why we’re giving you this exclusive deal. As a courtesy, we pre-booked two appointments and ran the dates by Mr. Saunders. He’s totally cool with it.


Learn Greek In 10 Days

Not to alarm you, Brenda, but last year there was a string of unsolved murders in the small Hellenic village you plan on visiting exactly two weeks from today. The killer is still on the loose and targets Jewish-American women from Long Island who speak little to no Greek and have tiny dolphin tattoos behind their left ears. Just saying.