Seven Horrid Valentines

By: Ethan Anderson

Choo Choo Bear I love you

‘Cause you’re Crumble Bunny Sweet.

Loan me fourteen hundred bucks.

I’ll pay you in a week.

Nutterbutter Puppy Pants,

North Star of my nights:

The pictures in this book can show you

How to do it right.

Still Point in My Rocking World,

McPrecious Pepper Pot,

I really like your family.

Your sister’s smoking hot.

Incandescent Bomb of Love

Who Blows The Rest Away,

You give me hope and courage, babe.

I quit my job today.

Oh lithe and lissome wave of love,

I’ve caught your undertow.

Let’s make some hella bank, Hot Thang —

Let’s shoot a video.

Purest love from passion born,

And virtue from our sin,

Open your heart just one more time,

My cousin’s moving in.

Dolphin Wolphin Tumblebee,

My Bluey Bluest Sky,

I’m on one knee, so marry me.

Then you can’t testify.


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