On The Care And Feeding Of Rosemary’s Baby

By: Russell Bradbury-Carlin

Thank you for watching our little Adrian! We’re sure you’ll find him to be a wonderful, easy-to-care-for baby. Our cell phone numbers are on the refrigerator door. And if you feel at all nippish while we are gone, there is bowl of chocolate mousse on the bottom shelf that we’d love for you to snack on.

There are a few things we’d like you to know about the care of our son. First of all, before entering his room, remove any crucifixes or St. Mary’s medals from around your neck or person. In fact, you should avoid moving any objects into a crisscross pattern, or standing with your arms outstretched in a cruciform posture. For some reason this makes him irritable and difficult to put to sleep later on.

Second, please make sure that he isn’t separated from his collection of stuffed animals. He loves to whisper in their ears and ask them to do his bidding. It is so cute. By the way, his set of stuffed rams is his favorite toy. And don’t panic, we do allow him to cover them in the washable red paint. When he’s done, you’ll find washcloths under the kitchen sink (a great time to grab some of that yummy mousse!). Also, it may sound like he is speaking Latin backwards as he plays. It is just his unique way of babbling.

We suggest giving Adrian a bath before bed. We are not sure where that odd stench surrounding him is coming from. I have tried eliminating garlic from my meals as it may be getting into my breast milk (note: you may want to use one of the industrial strength surgical masks when changing his diaper). As you place Adrian into the bath you’ll need to sooth him if he seems anxious. We suggest repeating, “this is not holy water, this not holy water.” It works like a charm!

Now, we know that there are different opinions on whether or not to allow your child to have a snack before bed. Actually, we find there is no avoiding it. We don’t think we are spoiling our charming baby by giving him whatever he demands when it comes to food. Also, you’ll find if you don’t feed him, he’ll cry and the temperature in the room will increase significantly — feel free to turn up any of the six air conditioners we have scattered around the apartment. We recommend that you feed him either pieces of lightly cooked steak, some goat’s milk (it only smells fermented), or a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. And while you are in the kitchen don’t forget to have some of the chocolate mousse for yourself — I made it from scratch.

One of our current parenting challenges is getting our son to sleep on his own. We have recently become advocates of the Ferber method of sleep acclimation. We know, the Cry It Out approaches are thought to be an unnatural way by some to teach a baby to sleep. But we feel it is appropriate for our child. So, when you do finally put young Adrian to bed, tell him you will be in the other room, to be a good baby, and go to sleep. He may cry at first, but do not go back in. This is key to the Ferber method. You may feel tempted to come back in when he begins to cry out “IN THE NAME OF ABBADON, RELEASE ME FROM THIS PRISON OR I WILL GRIND YOUR BONES IN BRIMSTONE AND YOU WILL DIE WITH THE SCENT OF YOUR VERY SOUL CHARRING IN YOUR NOSTRILS.” We suggest putting on an episode of Seinfeld and turning up the volume. That’s what we do.

Finally, if after eating the chocolate mousse, you begin to feel a bit sleepy, feel free to take a nap in the guest room. And if you hear hypnotic-chanting on the other side of the wall, ignore it. Our neighbors usually have a Saturday night poker game/chanting club every week. Nothing to be concerned about, nothing to be worried about at all.

Good luck and sweet dreams!


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