New Old Wives’ Tales

By: Whitney Collins

If someone dies on Good Friday, they go directly to heaven. If someone dies on Fat Tuesday, they probably had diabetes.

If your nose itches, a fool is about to kiss you. If your crotch itches, blame Derek.

Be sure to wait an hour after eating before dumpster diving.

If you carry an acorn in your pocket, good luck will follow you wherever you go. If you carry a lamb chop, the same holds true. Except you can replace good luck with possum.

Never, ever lay a hat on a bed. Unless it’s a blond, inflatable sombrero.

Make a wish on the first robin of spring. If you finish wishing before the robin flies away, you’re not greedy enough. Who convinced you to reach so low? Man, you’re a real, underachieving asshole. I don’t know how you look at yourself in the mirror. Hey, look! A robin!

Grapefruit at dawn, live real long. Steak for dinner, bad gas.

Always bury your fingernail clippings under a full moon; if it doesn’t get rid of your plantar warts, it’ll get rid of that perfectly nice guy you’ve been dating. You know, Derek.

Feed a cold, starve your son’s guinea pig.

If you dream of fish, you’re pregnant. If you dream of fish sticks, your mother wishes you’d never been born.

Never walk under a ladder. Unless, of course, it’s wearing a diaper.

An apple a day keeps the blood-sucking, well-endowed, super-sexy vampire-robots away.

If you say goodbye to a friend on a bridge, you will never see each other again. Probably because it’s that “friend” whose boyfriend you borrowed and she’s been hoping to get you on a bridge for a couple of years now. See ya.

Housecats can’t suck the breath from a newborn, but they will steal your condoms.

The child that is born on the Sabbath day
is fair and wise and good and gay.
Not Rosie O’Donnell gay.
More like Portia de Rossi gay.

If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then the navel is the peephole to the lint.

The knuckle-bone from a piece of mutton was once thought to be a preventative charm against rheumatism. A bison’s bladder, filled with M&Ms and worn about the neck, will probably get you that nanny job.

Chewing gum takes seven years to get out of your pubic hair.

In German lore, if you sneeze three times before breakfast, you’ll receive a present by day’s end. If you sneeze four times, Hitler’s ghost will piss in your oatmeal.

Red sky at night? Sailor’s delight. Red sky at morning? What a delicious peyote Danish this is!

If the first baby calf of spring is born all white, you’d better have your lawyer draw up a living will. Be sure to have a lengthy discussion about feeding tubes.

A rabbit’s foot, dyed the colors of your favorite NFL team and made into a keychain, pretty much makes you a cruel bastard. So does a jockstrap made of veal.

If you put a cabbage leaf in your underwear, well, then, so will I.

Lucky omens: a magpie, a shoelace knot, a penny, a chimney sweep. Unlucky omens: a black cat, a shotgun between the shoulder blades, a layover at the Pittsburgh airport, heart disease.

A cricket in the house is really fricking disgusting.

Every time Derek rings a bell, a Kevin Bacon movie comes on TBS.


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