This is my first time at an AA meeting. I’ve been sober for one day. First, I’d just like to say how moved I am that you all have agreed to hold this meeting in the gymnasium. I think we all know it would have been a little cramped in the Sunday school room. Oh, dang it, that’s embarrassing. I’ll pay for the chair. No, I’ll just lie here on the floor. Okay, well, I’ve been an alcoholic for, oh, I guess about six-hundred years, give or take a decade or so. I started drinking in high school with my friends on Tatooine. I’m sorry? No, it’s not outside of Sacramento. Anyway, I didn’t always look this bad. As a teen I actually did a runway show in Mos Eisley. But then, a few drinks with my pals became nights alone with a bottle of something blue, just listening to old Genesis records. What? No, before Phil Collins. Well, Peter Gabriel, of course. He absolutely was. No, I’m afraid there were a number of albums before Invisible Touch.
Look, I’m trying to heal here. No, you brought it up. So, after a while I fall in with some really bad folks. I mean, you find that denial likes company. If you surround yourself with people who all have a problem, you perceive there is no problem. So the next thing I know, I’m pushing about three-thousand pounds, drinking like a maniac every chance I get, roistering, sleeping around and eventually I’m head of this enormous crime syndicate. My wife left me about a hundred years ago. Excuse me? No, not three-hundred, three-thousand pounds.
Well, I appreciate that. I look thinner in beige. I did have a trainer for a while, but it didn’t work out. No, I ate him. I don’t blame you all for looking at me like that. I was so drunk, I’m ashamed of myself. I’m so ashamed. But that’s what it’s like, you know. Hell, a few years back I had this guy who owed me money frozen in carbonite. It’s like an alloy made from frozen carbon dioxide. What do you mean, “can you drink it?” It’s not like a margarita, if that’s what you’re thinking. Even if you could, you certainly wouldn’t want to. No, he managed to get out, actually. It’s not like I wanted him to escape. He had help, you know. He didn’t just waltz right out of the carbonite. Some kid called Skyscraper or Skymall or something. I don’t remember. Well, maybe next time you should try running a syndicate full of bounty-hunters, smugglers, assassins and criminals of every type along with the entertainment; the dancing girls, droids, the bitchy house band and enough reprobate aliens to occupy Cloud City! I’m sorry. I’m sorry. God, I get so tense. No, sit down, sir. Do I look like I could take it outside? Well that really hurts, sir. Would you like it if I called you a “poo-covered slug?” I didn’t think so. Can I continue? Please? Thank you.
Okay, uh, oh yeah. Take tomorrow, for instance. I have this thing tomorrow. I was going to have a bunch of people dumped into the Sarlac pit. No, it’s not in the woods. Just think of it as a big anus-looking thing with teeth, okay? Yeah, it’s kind of like a monster, but different. The thing is, I really want this process to work. I’m serious this time about staying sober for me. So, I’m thinking I might just call the whole thing off, you know? What better time than the present to change your life. It’s like what Goethe says, you know, “Nothing is worth more than this day.” I’m just so scared. I mean, the blackouts, the rum-shakes. It’s every single day. I’ve missed out on so much. I never learned to drive. I’ve never seen Lohengrin performed at La Scala. I’ve got a ski lodge on Hoth I’ve never even been to. No, it’s an opera by Wagner. Of course it’s good. I’ve never skied or snowboarded, so I don’t know. I’ve heard Aspen is nice. Too many tourists, you say? Well, what can you do? No, I’m not trying to be dismissive, it’s just been my turn to talk and you keep interrupting. Just because you’ve never been to Hoth doesn’t mean there isn’t one. I’m not trying to be pretentious. Look, I have a problem and I need support right now. Oh, that’s very clever. Yes, it probably would take the Chrysler Building to support me. I’m fat. I’m a drunk. I’ve done some terrible things, but one of the first things we said after the prayer was that we weren’t here to judge one another. We are here to admit we’re powerless against alcohol.
Okay, sir…I’m sure you do know the blue book better than I do; like I said, it’s my first day. I am legitimately proud of you that you’ve been sober for two years. Hey, I’m not trying to make it a contest. I just want to stop drinking. I wasn’t saying I knew more about Genesis than you do. Why are you so hell-bent on antagonizing me? I know he did “Shock the Monkey,” but before that he was in Genesis. Albums? Well, there’s The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway, uh…Selling England by The Pound…I beg your pardon? Look it up then, dingleberry! You know what — I’ve had it with you. I’ve had it up to here with you and this group and that stupid chair in this stupid gym with this stupid meeting. Salacious! Salacious Crumb! Come in here and give me a hand, you little troll. No, screw you. Screw ALL of you. Ouch! Hold on, I’m not all the way in the harness. Oh, Jeez, I think my gall bladder just popped. No, I’m leaving. Take your twelve steps and shove them up your cans…Salacious, are Han Solo and all those idiots still up by the Sarlac pit? Well, come on. Stop fidgeting, you’re freaking me out. No, we’re doing it today. Today! Man, I need a drink.
Hi there, I read your new stuff regularly. Your story-telling style is witty, keep up
the good work!