If Sunday Night Football broadcast my day at work:
AL MICHAELS: Good morning bureaucracy fans and welcome to another exciting day at work with Dave. What do you look for in today’s match-up, John?
JOHN MADDEN: Well, Al, if past performance is any indicator, I’m guessing Dave will be late today. We’re always ready for a 9 A.M. kick-off but Dave is what we call a “late starter.”
AM: Whoa, wait a minute. It’s only 9:05 and here’s Dave. Have you ever seen such an early arrival before?
JM: Yes, but not often. I have to assume that he’s got a meeting.
AM: You’re right; it’s a meeting. He didn’t even glance at the computer screen. Instead he’s picked up a folder and he’s heading down the hall to the conference room.
JM: Hold onto your seats, bureaucracy fans. As a veteran player, Dave is a master of the morning meeting.
AM: His supervisor is standing up and it looks like — yes — she’s asking Dave for a progress report on his project! How can he possibly handle this unexpected offensive movement?
JM: Savvy veteran that he is, I don’t think this is going to throw him. Let’s listen in.
AM: Am I hearing right? Did he just give a whole status report off the top of his head complete with stats and future projections?
JM: That’s right, Al. From what I know, it’s all fabricated but it sounds great. But will it be good enough to fool his boss?
AM: Whoa! She bought it! Touchdown! And now here’s the conversion. It’s up…and it’s good. She’s agreed to wait until next week for the final report.
JM: Wow! He’s definitely playing without a net today, Al.
AM: He sure is, John. And look at the move on the way back to his cubicle.
JM: Can you believe it? He told Fred there were free donuts in the lunchroom and then dropped the status report file in Fred’s inbox.
AM: A perfectly executed screen play from one of the all-time great buck passers.
JM: And he still has the presence of mind to backtrack to the lunchroom, take the last of the coffee and not make a new pot.
AM: For viewers who were watching Fred’s lunchtime nap in cubicle 402, welcome back to the coverage of Dave’s day at work. It’s 2:30 and Dave is back in his cubicle. He looks a little wobbly. Is he injured John?
JM: I don’t think so, Al. We’ve got a report from Dave’s restaurant and apparently Dave had two glasses of wine with lunch today. It’s gonna be a tough afternoon for him, no doubt about it. This is where the veterans show what they’re really made of. I’ve seen Dave in worse shape than this in the morning and still make it through regulation without being touched.
AM: I don’t know, John. He’s looking a bit shaky. The head is wobbly and the eyelids are fluttering. He could be out for the count.
JM: Oh! Look at that move! He placed a dozen upturned thumbtacks on this desk. I haven’t seen a move like that since Dick in Accounting drank half a container of White-Out to stay awake.
AM: John, I’ve just got a report that Dave’s boss is headed towards his cubicle. This will show what he’s really made of.
JM: If I know Dave, he’s got a couple of tricks up his sleeve.
AM: He better, John. That porn site on his computer screen could really throw him for a big loss.
JM: What a pro! If I’m not mistaken…yes, look at that. Just before his boss enters Dave’s cubicle, he taps the mouse wheel twice and switches the porn site to an Excel spreadsheet. I wouldn’t have believed it unless I saw it.
AM: Let’s look at this again on the replay. Wow, what a play! And see there how he quickly picks up the phone, motions to his boss that it’s an important call and waves her away? Amazing. Clearly he was under the weather and not playing at 100% but was still able to pull it out. What a gutsy performance.
JM: I think even Dave realizes that he accomplished something special today which may explain why he’s leaving early at 3:30.
AM: Except no one knows he’s leaving early. Since he left his coat in his car and his computer is still on, he’s out the door before anyone realizes that he’s gone.
JM: What a performance from a veteran worker.
AM: Ordinarily we’d be back on air tomorrow morning at 9 A.M. with more of Dave. But tomorrow is a Friday so chances are our next broadcast won’t be until Monday. Or maybe Tuesday, right John?
JM: That’s right, Al. A wily pro like Dave will always keep you guessing.