Metaphysical Mixology — A Cocktail Menu

By: Paul D. Mooney

The Known Universe

Purveyor of Specialty Cocktails & Fine Spirits

Hours: Open from the start of the Planck Epoch until Midnight on The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists’ Doomsday Clock

Measurable Time — Four shots of vodka (one for each dimension) poured into an hourglass. Sprinkle liberally with cesium-133. Drink in its entirety in the time it takes for the cesium to undergo 9,192,631,770 periods of radiation transitioning between two hyperfine levels of its ground state.

Fleeting Contentment — Half a shot of Johnny Walker Blue poured into a pint glass, the rest of which is filled with tap water.

The Visible Spectrum (or The ROYGBV) — Equal parts Fireball whiskey, Cointreau, oro tequila, absinthe verte, blue Curaçao, and Cabernet Sauvignon. Stirred with a flashlight and served in a pair of laboratory goggles.

The Metabolism — Coffee liqueur and club soda mixed in a sourdough bread bowl.

Tactile Perceptions — Leather glove filled two-thirds with spiced rum and crushed ice. Topped with grain alcohol and lit on fire (bar is not liable for failure to extinguish prior to consumption).

Emotions — Our most expensive Barolo mixed with two shots of our cheapest bourbon in a child’s sippy cup. Served while the bartender kisses you passionately on the mouth, then quietly whispers how much happier all your exes are without you.

Existential Suffering — Your all-time favorite mixed drink served in a gag dribble glass.

Thirst for Knowledge — A blended margarita with a twist: lots and lots of salt. Like, a shitload of salt. Too much salt, frankly. It’s basically a bucket of salt with some crushed ice and tequila drizzled on. Garnished with a slice of fresh lime.

Entropy — An ice-cold beer is poured into a heated glass and served only once both elements have reached room temperature.

Historical Record — Pick another patron. Fight him or her. Whoever wins gets to create/decide the cocktails both participants will drink for the rest of the evening. Or until the next such fight.

Evolution — Pick whichever alcoholic beverage will most likely enhance your ability to reproduce. Probably a light beer or a Prosecco, if we had to guess.

The Fallibility of Memory — Whatever you order, the bartender brings you something slightly different. Or…do they?

Fear of the Unknown — Customer is blindfolded and must choose one (or more) of five shots placed in front of him or her. Four are filled with Goldschläger, one with Habu Sake (strong Okinawan rice liquor with a dead pit viper soaking in it that tastes and smells even worse than you think it does).

Cognitive Dissonance — Everclear grain alcohol and yellow Gatorade in a red Solo cup.

The Meaning of Life — 16-year-old Lagavulin scotch poured over ice made from crystal pure mountain spring water, served eight fingers at a time. Repeat until sleepy, horny, and/or furious.

20% gratuity added to all forgotten credit cards and parties of eight or more who actively participate in the suppression of scientific study.

No refunds.



3 thoughts on “Metaphysical Mixology — A Cocktail Menu

  1. The Writer — one glass of ice cold water dashed into the face, slap left cheek, slap right cheek, chased with five shots of Fireball.

    Fun essay, Mooney! Loved it.

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