Letters From People Who Don’t Usually Write Letters

By: David Jaggard

Dear Sirs:

Just thought I’d drop you a little note to let you know that we really do exist. Not only do we really exist, but we really do have the power to control everything, to run the entire world from what you what-we-call-“pawns” call “behind the scenes.” Only thing is, we’re all so pathologically lazy none of us ever gets around to doing much of anything. In fact, me writing you this letter is the first thing any of us have done for the past 140 years. You think we’d let the world go to hell like this if we were really making an effort?

Here’s how it all works: you see…oh, I’m so tired now I think I’ll go take a nap.

I’ll explain it to you someday.



The only member of the Illuminati who has the energy to lift a finger

PS: Three-hundred-seventy-two. Get it?! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


Dear Sirs,

OK, so maybe it took a while, but now we understand everything. Don’t bother to tell us anything else because, believe me, we got it all figured out now.

Here’s the deal:

— The music, movies and TV shows we like this month are the ultimate culmination of popular culture. Nothing that comes before or after can ever equal, much less exceed, the sheer and utter fineness of these works.

— The retail prices currently in effect are to be considered “normal” from now until the end of time. We will cling to them forever as the standard against which all future price hikes will be perceived as rampant inflation.

— Everyone younger than us is really, like, totally young (you know?) and everyone older than us is, like, really really totally old (you know?) and they will all stay that way till we die.

— Speaking of which, which is probably never going to happen. Or maybe just a little. Dying I mean.

— The way we each think of ourselves individually right now is the last possible definitive self-vision we will ever have, even after we grow up, the years and decades pass, and every single aspect of our lives changes.

— And about sex: sex is for us. Not for our parents, not for our teachers, not for anyone more than about maybe four or five years older than us. So like, cut it out, all right!?


Everyone who turned 15 within the past year

PS: I mean really.


Dear Sirs,

I know you don’t hear from Me very often, but what with the world going to hell and those worthless Illuminati sitting around on their fat butts doing nothing, I’ve really got My hands full. But I just had to write to apologize for something that’s been on My mind for centuries.

Look, I admit it: I goofed when I approved the final design for the human brain. I meant to make sexual response pretty much the same in both men and women, but two sets of prototypes got mixed up in the lab and I ended up going into production with one design for women and another one for men. So men got the visual-stimulus-only arousal mechanism and women didn’t. That’s why now you have all those “Miss Whatsis” beauty contests, cheesecake in advertising, pornography in general and the “male gaze.” That’s why Islamic fundamentalists require women to cover up so much they can’t recognize each other in the street and then they have to stay home anyway. That’s part of the reason why if a man exposes himself to a woman she is considered to be the victim of a reprehensible crime, whereas if a woman exposes herself to a man* he is considered to be one lucky bastard. That’s why “Playboy” magazine is the foundation of a multi-skatchillion-dollar empire while “Playgirl” sells about as many copies as “Fish Tank Decorator,” mostly to gay men (interestingly, the same people who buy “Fish Tank Decorator”). And as if this isn’t a big enough mess, most men don’t even realize that women don’t think that way, and of course vice-versa.

I know the whole thing has been just one huge hindrance to understanding between the sexes, and I’m really sorry, OK? I’ll try to make it up to you. I’m thinking maybe I can get one of the Illuminati to write and explain how it all works. How’s that sound?



(you know, Allah, Yahweh, Krishna, whatever)

PS: I also botched up on the esophagus/trachea proximity thing, and I apologize if you’ve lost any loved ones to choking. I’ve come up with a little something for you to evolve to correct that, but it’ll take another two billion years. In the meantime, take small bites.

*By the way, this has only happened a total of three times throughout the entire history of mankind. I ought to know.


Dear Sirs,

You ever hear the expression “peer pressure”? You ever wonder who those “peers” actually are? Well, it’s us. And we’re writing to try to convince those 15-year-olds in that second letter up there to help us steal a case of beer from behind the supermarket and go out to drink it under the railroad bridge.

Here goes:

C’mon, let’s do it. There’s no way we can get caught. I’m telling you: no way. I’ve looked back there where they stack the cases of beer and Coke and stuff and nobody ever goes out there during the day. Ever. So there’s no way anybody’s going to see us. You have my personal guarantee. It’s just plain impossible.

And if somebody does come out and see us, they’re not going to do anything. They work for a big chain store, what do they care? They could see us hauling away a whole truckload of beer and they won’t even lift a finger. Trust me, I know. No way in the world they’re going to give us any trouble.

And if they do, they aren’t going to call the cops. Why get involved in a big legal hassle? They’ll just tell us to drop it and we’ll run out of there and that’s it. There’s no way we’ll end up having the police involved. It just simply can’t happen.

And if it does, they won’t actually arrest us. The cops don’t want to have to do a bunch of paperwork just for a couple of kids stealing a case of beer. No way, man, they’ll just let us go. They won’t take us in. They can’t. I’m 100 percent sure of it.

And if they do, there’s no way you’ll actually get convicted on a robbery charge. You’d be a first-time offender — they’ll just let you go with, like, a slap on the wrist. You can’t possibly end up doing any time for a thing like this. You just can’t.

And if you do, it’ll be in some juvenile facility where it’s exactly like going to school and you’ll be able to come home on weekends and stuff. No way they’re actually going to send you off to some like hard-core adult prison or something. It’s like against the law or something. They can’t do that.

And if they do, it won’t be for more than about three or four months tops. There’s no way you can get the maximum sentence for petty larceny like this. You can just forget about that.

And if you do, you’ll be let out on probation in a couple of years anyway. I’m sure of it.

And if you aren’t, well hey, when you get out you’ll be legal drinking age and we’ll all throw you a big beer party.

That is if you don’t get gang-raped and murdered in prison. Which you won’t — no way. Put it out of your head.

And if you do, it’s a cinch you’re going to heaven. You can take my word for it.

So you see? There’s absolutely nothing to worry about.

So hey, are you coming or not?


The Sandhogs Gang



Dear Sirs,

I couldn’t help but notice in that third letter up there, God mentioned that He had “something for you [meaning us] to evolve,” apparently referring to an alteration in the human mouth-throat structure. Are we to understand that this means that belief in the Almighty and belief in evolution have in fact never been mutually exclusive? Is it in fact thinkable that there is an omnipotent being who created the universe and that the evolution of various species is merely one of the mechanisms He chose to accomplish this?

And then His signature: “God… Allah… whatever?” Does this mean that all of the different holy teachings that we perceive as separate, inimical religions are in fact just manifestations of the same spiritual impulse? In other words, that all those centuries of hatred, prejudice, persecution, bloodshed and atrocities in the name of this or that deity collectively represent the most heinous, pointless waste of human life in the history of mankind?

It’s not really important or anything. We were just wondering.


All the religious leaders in the world

PS: Hey, did you hear the one about the priest, the rabbi, the seven Baptist preachers, the Hopi medicine man, the Taliban chieftain and the Dalai Lama on the Space Shuttle? You did? Well, that was us. Good one, huh?


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