How To Survive The Zombie Apocalypse Apocalypse

By: Daniel Falk

There are many theories as to how the Zombie Apocalypse Apocalypse started. Some blame scheming Hollywood executives for playing God with a pile of dead screenplays. Others blame comedy writers for a string of ironic Zombie Apocalypse novels and survival guides. Others still blame aliens from outer space for turning the general public into creatures with an insatiable hunger for popular media content about creatures with an insatiable hunger for human flesh. Regardless of how it started, or who’s to blame, it cannot be denied that the Zombie Apocalypse Apocalypse is upon us… and the only thing we can do now is survive.

Many people you knew and loved have been infected. Convinced that they must be missing out on something following the incessant release of zombie movies, TV shows, and comics, they took inadequate preparations to protect themselves. You can tell by the way they walk around in a stupor, moaning about how you should give the second season of The Walking Dead another shot because it actually gets good somewhere after the tenth episode. Forget about them. They are dead to you. Anyone who is willing to sit through ten episodes of utter garbage waiting for a television program to stop sucking clearly has no functional brain matter left.


As some zombie themed content has stated about the Zombie Apocalypse, cardio is the key to surviving the Zombie Apocalypse Apocalypse as well. When a former roommate starts hammering on your door, groaning about you acting in his Zombie Apocalypse web-series, the only way to escape is to climb out your window and hope to God you can outrun him.


You’re going to need to find some place secure and isolated to wait this nightmare out. You should definitely get out of the city. Dense urban areas are a ripe breeding ground for zombie-themed flash mobs organized to promote the latest Resident Evil sequel. Stay away from small towns as well. You might think they’d be protected by their conservative values, but places like that produce their own kind of zombies.


You’re going to want to be able to keep your distance. If you get too close you may accidentally find yourself laughing at someone’s hilarious “I heart Zombies” t-shirt — and the next thing you know, you’re one of them. Your best bet is a full metal jacket of some of your most devastating insults fired from a safe distance. Pitiless ridicule aimed directly into the infected brain is the only way to free someone from this post-apocalyptic obsession. I know you’re worried about losing friends, but your “friends” died the moment they put on zombie makeup and participated in the “Run For Your Lives” zombie-themed 5k race in Boston.

Work Together

Though it has been painful to lose so many people already, you need other survivors to thrive long-term. You’ll need them to watch your back while you sleep to make sure your ex-girlfriend doesn’t show up asking for feedback on her master’s thesis which studies the African origins of the zombie concept and its impact on modern popular culture. The best thing about working as a team is that if, despite all your precautions, you are infected and begin to turn, you have someone to put you out of your misery before you buy and, more importantly, actually READ a copy of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

God willing, you will have made it through all the Halloween parties and the midnight screenings of George Romero movies and the stupid conversations about what some idiot did on bath salts. You and your companions will be all that is left to rebuild our civilization after it awakens from its fatuous collective obsession that has turned into the Zombie Apocalypse Apocalypse.


36 thoughts on “How To Survive The Zombie Apocalypse Apocalypse

  1. Make sure you have a crap ton of food before this happens so you will live also get silencers for your gun or like the walking dead the noise will attract them and finally have fun play games with zombies by sniping them

  2. You have to watch every ZOMBIE movies, and research and things before you actually know what to do just pay attention and there you go you will to be able to survive it for a good long while.

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  5. You guys need to brain up and think to survive:
    1. Get a gun does not need to be high powered get one that ammo is plentiful like a .22 or a .556
    2.get a good food , water and med. supply if you starve to death the zombies will win this fight.
    3. Now before this happens get some training like medical and combat training
    4. Stay in shape, if you have to stop for a twinky you ain’t gunna last long
    5. Get out of the city to a rural/country area like me I live in Saskatchewan, Canada on a farm i will live long cause I have guns ammo trucks and I can see for miles in any direction.
    6. If you see someone else gettin attacked don’t help them if there are more than 2 times as many zombies as survivors with you or don’t help them when they may just of saved your life their a distraction run your ass outta there. And don’t lose anyone on ur squad
    7. Don’t pick a leader for your group it will cause massive fights between you and ur squad of survivors.
    8. Don’t get emotionally attached to ur squad if someone gets bitten let em say their last words then put a bullet in their brains.

    There that’s all I can say well not really but I don’t have time I’ve got to prep but I hope this will help you survive. Good luck and I hope we meet as allies in the apocalypse.

  6. Tips from me!
    1. Killing Zombies isn’t a good idea. Only do it if you HAVE to.
    2. Instead of killing. Stay in a farm or place with a small poplulation. Grow your own food and wait till it’s all over. You know, Zombies will rot after a while.
    3. Make sure you have a backup weapon.
    4. Fortify your building.
    5. Keep a huge distance from the Zombies.
    6. Guns only attract more Zombies.
    Thats all folkz!

  7. remember if you can cure the zombie infection DO IT!!! you are the only one who can save them! and if you need to ATTACK use a weapon that is silent but deadly! AVOID ENCLOSED DARK PLACES AS THEY ARE PERFECT PLACES FOR ZOMBIES TO HIDE!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope those tips help you survive the upcoming apocalypse! I want you to LIVE!!!!!!! I DON’T WANNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *goes to sleep* *you wake me up* AHHHH! DON’T EAT ME!!!! oh it’s just you. I’m out of tips, hope you live! bye…

  8. my coments to your zombie survival information is all correct but you missed one instruction, do not waste your bullets if you want to stay alive.and the second thing aviod all contact with infected individuals,and wait for official instructions.

    • oh yeah,your right justine ……. thanks for your opinions about the zombie apocalypes survival but you missed 1 word…. and the one word you missed is……lets party rock ……hahahha JUST JOKING………….

  9. jonarica and justine is right but what about the zombie apocalypse is not true and all your opinion is useless ……??? w3w never mind at least you have an opinions or information about the zombie apocalypes!!!! 🙂

    • yes,your right irel mikel…… and well at least we have an opinion about the zombie apocalypse and thank you very much for your suggestion!!!!! 🙂

      and well im scared when the zombie try to attact our family and also other people w3w i do that rules as well i can!!!! 🙁

  10. Well, to make a zombie your pet simply wrap a chain around its neck and rip off its jaws, can’t bite, can’t get away, walkable on the streets, just like fido

  11. Best way to survive a zombie apocalypse is to not do cardio. Zombie don’t tire, so training to outrun them is a waste of your time.

    A good way to survive a zombie outbreak is to take survival training courses. There is no way I would hide out in a mall that is surrounded by zombies wanting to eat the living.

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