Honesty In (Personal) Advertising

By: David Jaggard

Likes fancy restaurants, trendy nightclubs

Very attractive, sexy young woman seeks unattached man for evenings out, maybe more if every single little detail is exactly perfect according to my unannounced and constantly-changing personal criteria. Write to ref. 3053 in c/o The Big Jewel. I said maybe.

Have you got what it takes?

Exceedingly handsome, financially independent man in his mid-40s seeks Ms. Right. Must be able to pull her own weight, handle herself with aplomb in tricky situations, talk her way out of big trouble, win difficult people over to her way of thinking and save the day in a life-or-death emergency. Our first date will be a test of all those things and if we stay together, “pop quizzes” will arise from time to time when you least expect it. Write to ref. 3162 in c/o The Big Jewel. Sense of humor a must.

Calling all men!

Hey, all you guys out there! I don’t care how old you are, what you look like, what your race or religion is, how much money you have, how much you weigh, or whether you have a nice personality or not. Just leave me alone. Under no circumstances respond to ref. 0613 in c/o The Big Jewel. And don’t look at me like that either.

Schlepping Beauty seeks Prince Charming

Youngish, prettyish woman, shallowish, tired of the endless unrelenting stream of guys who say they’re not ready to commit. And then seems like they all get married about six months after we break up. Hmmm. Anyway, I’d like to find a guy who’s really ready to give all of his love right now and keep on giving and giving and giving it, a guy who’s not necessarily rich or anything but who can support me no problem and won’t get his Jockeys all in a sheepshank if I blow a few hundred on clothes now and then, a guy who will be ready to rear my children in case I might ever someday maybe decide I want any, a guy who’ll stand by me through hard times, illness, stress, migraines and inexplicable mood swings, a guy who can wait up already for like five or ten minutes while I’m getting ready to go out, a guy who wouldn’t even think in his dreams of dreaming of thinking of another woman, a guy who gets along really well with my mom even when she forgets her medication, a guy who knows what I want even before I do and gets it for me on the double, who knows how to show me a good time even when I don’t feel like doing anything and isn’t too “manly” to wait on me hand and foot. Why can’t I find a guy like that? Write to ref. 3935 in c/o The Big Jewel. Go on, show my friends that they’re wrong.

Looking for that extra-special someone

Are you that one in a million? The lucky woman selected from among the thousands who respond to this ad will be swept away to a magical dreamland where she is Her Majesty the All-Powerful Empress and I am her Dutiful Servant, throwing myself at her feet and asking only to fulfil her every whim and desire. Then, after about 72 hours of that, she can start making all the meals, doing all the shopping and housework, picking up my dirty socks and toenail clippings from wherever I happen to drop them, pulling my hair out of the shower drain, and going around the house turning off the appliances, lights and faucets that I leave on if I feel like it. Sometimes I don’t flush the toilet either. Take it or leave it at ref. 3766 c/o The Big Jewel. P.S. It’ll have to be your place, ’cause I live with my parents.

She wants a stand-up kind of guy

Young woman seeks handsome man, 35-44, who is willing to take the blame for everything. We don’t agree on something, I win. We have an argument, you lose. Then you apologize. You are responsible for anything that goes wrong no matter how inconsequential and any unpleasantness no matter how slight, including that caused by other people, unforeseen circumstances, acts of God or the weather. If you can’t take the heat, don’t respond to ref. 3560 in c/o The Big Jewel. No phonies please.

Last man on earth

Take a look at this face! Of course you can’t see me here in this ad, but you know what I mean. Any woman would give her right arm to have a guy this good looking, right? Well guess again, cause otherwise why would I be running a personal? Truth be told, I’m a selfish, lazy, irresponsible, substance-dependent, violence-prone emotional three-year-old looking for a woman who’s willing to work two jobs to support me while I lie around the house chain smoking and watching TV all day when I’m not out cheating on her. Could that be you? Ref. 2903 in c/o The Big Jewel. Hey — I can’t help it. It’s just the way I am.

Love is never having to say “Officer!”

Do you believe in love at first sight? Well this 34-year-old, unmarried, non-smoking man sure does. Maybe I could fall in love with you, a pretty, non-smoking woman, 25-35, preferably blonde. And what is love? Love is being ready to do anything — anything! — to win the heart of my beloved. Love is dropping whatever else I’m doing, cancelling all my appointments and quitting my job to spend 24 hours a day seeking that ultimate celestial paradise, letting nothing get in the way of my quest for happiness, never taking “no” for an answer, going to any lengths to convince her of my undying devotion, never deterred by any social, logistical or legal stumbling blocks she might throw in my way just to test my determination, seeking her out wherever she might playfully try to hide, showing her over and over how far I’m prepared to go, to what extent I’m willing to put everything on the line, even if it means resisting arrest, all just to prove to her that she is the only one I can ever really truly love, pursuing her relentlessly, relentlessly, relentlessly, relentlessly until she loves me back. Or until I meet someone else. Why don’t we get together and see what happens? Ref. 3238 in c/o The Big Jewel. On second thought, don’t even bother answering the ad. I’ll find you.

Talks a good game

Hauntingly beautiful young lady, breath-taking figure, seeks man, age and looks no object, who is willing to sit for hours and hours upon end listening to my ill-founded, utterly deluded theories and irrational beliefs about virtually everything in exchange for a 23% chance of getting me in the sack afterwards. The right man must be willing to grin and nod his head like an oil well while pretending, when he can get a word in edgewise, to agree with me whole-heartedly like we’re some kind of long-lost soulmates. Write to ref. 2557 in c/o The Big Jewel. Statistics verified by Gallup International.

Good-time guy

Man, late 20s, seeks woman who likes what I like. I like good food, good conversation, good music, good movies, nice weather, being in a good mood and having a good time. Fer chrissake, who doesn’t? But what I really like is sex, sex, sex, and more sex. Gleaaaghh. Write to ref. 1033 in c/o The Big Jewel. Not you, Sonia.

No snorers either

Recently divorced 32-year-old woman, one child, seeks mature, emotionally stable, non-drinking, non-sports-loving, non-Penthouse subscribing steady earner who doesn’t like Bruce Springsteen, doesn’t line the sink with whiskers every morning, isn’t afraid to take the garbage out or change a diaper once in a while and is in control of all of his digestive functions, if you know what I mean. Write to ref. 2331 in c/o The Big Jewel. Men who don’t know how to put forks away in the fork drawer or butter a piece of toast without leaving lots of dry, unbuttered parts need not apply.

To place your personal, simply mail us the text of your ad along with a check for $1.00 per word made out to: Editor, The Big Jewel. Exes of employees of The Big Jewel must also enclose an additional check for $1 million. The content of any ad is the sole responsibility of the person placing it. The Big Jewel cannot be held liable for any misleading claims, disappointments, broken dates, broken dreams, broken condoms, boring dinners, murders, or screenplays about serial killers that may result from the publication of these ads.


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