Hell’s Microbrew

By: Mark Peters

Welcome to Hellpub!

How’s your damnation going? Have you visited Hellzoo, where the interactive mauling exhibit just opened? Don’t forget Satancakes, hell’s newest pastry shop, where the “frosting” is sentient and angry.

With oodles of torments available in hell 24/7/infinity — plus the microbrew revolution on Earth — it isn’t easy for Hellpub to offer something to please/torture today’s discerning beer enthusiast/eternal tormentee. But that doesn’t stop us from trying! Ask your waiter for samples. Flights also available.

Fresh Hell Ale

This is a complex beer, with strong hops and a stronger ick factor. It causes 743 different types of mind-bending, soul-shredding agony. Honestly, we’ve done studies. Warning: Not served fresh.

Oh God, the Pain, the Pain, the Pain Triple Porter

How good does a beer have to be to make Hellpub’s menu? Not good at all, and by Lucifer’s beard, is this beer awful. Drinking it has been compared to “swallowing lizards” and “swimming in pure, liquid anguish.” This stuff could keep dogs from chasing squirrels, if you sprayed it on the squirrels, who would quickly die, as would the dogs and surrounding vegetation. It is also malty.

Beelzebrew Amber Ale

This Gold Medal Winner in the “Most Dissolved Organs” category has hoppy accents and a distinct I-just-swallowed-a-goliath-bird-eating-spider mouthfeel. Clean finish.

Hell in a Bucket Barley Wine

If you didn’t come to hell in a bucket, you may leave in one, as this dark and rich beer goes down smooth but destroys your nervous system. Just kidding, no one leaves hell! Warning: The alcohol in this beer will sneak up on you, much like the serial killers who drink free at Hellpub on Serial Saturdays.


Back on earth, a sweet malty flavor is often balanced with hop bitterness. We also realize balance is essential. Instead of sweetness and bitterness, we prefer to balance the pain of lost opportunities with the agony of a sharp stick through your big toenail. Goes well with our patented Buffalo-style angel wings.

Four-way Stout

The beer is a Mormon’s marriage of darkly delicious styles: milk stout, oatmeal stout, Russian imperial stout, and oozing-cyst stout. I wouldn’t call this beer drinkable. Few can accomplish that feat. I wouldn’t even call it survivable, because our patrons are already dead. This beer is a paradox.

Extra Dry Stout

You think you drank some dry stouts on earth? Not like this. Our extra dry stout isn’t even a beer: it’s a brick. Warning: We make you drink it through a straw (Satan’s orders).

Aversion Therap-ale

Is that the aroma of chocolate? The scent of coffee? Or the stench of hot death? Actually, it’s all three. Among the many achievements of this robust porter is that it will cure you completely of your fondness for chocolate and coffee.

Deliverance Doppelbock

This one is wild. It not only has a rich, malty nose, but a real nose from some kind of pig or hellhog. The banjo-playing rapist on the bottle is only there to create ambiance.

Hellhound I-Pee-A

The most honestly named beer in the netherworld.

Pale USAle

Even in hell, we know that US craft beer is the gold standard, and we’re not afraid to take a page from the book of our American friends. After all, they’ve filled so many rooms and pits over the years. Our USAle is a special treat for history buffs: it contains the blood of an American President currently residing in hell. Can you guess who?

Lava Lager

Warning: Contains no lager.



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