Happy Holidays

By: David Martin

MEMO – December 15, 2009 – Christmas holidays
To: Brad Richards
Regional Director

From: Dave Martin
Sales Coordinator

As I’m sure you’re aware, the holiday season is upon us. Like most of our workforce, I will be celebrating Christmas and therefore would like to take holidays for the period between Christmas and New Year’s. As a practicing Christian, this would allow me to celebrate the birth of our Lord with my loving family.

MEMO – March 15, 2010 – Jewish holidays
Thank you very much for approving annual leave for Good Friday (April 1st) and Easter Monday (April 5th). My family appreciates your generosity in allowing me to join them in celebrating these important Christian holidays. While I will be joining my family in these celebrations, I have personally converted to Judaism and therefore would request that, in accordance with paragraph 6.02.07(b) of our company’s human resources policy manual, I also be given the entire week of March 30th off, which, of course, is Passover, one of the most important holidays for my newly chosen people.

MEMO – September 1, 2010 – Muslim Holidays
Thank you for granting me time off for Rosh Hashanah on September 9th and 10th and also Friday September 17th to allow me to prepare for Yom Kippur on September 18th. As I told the mediator at the time, I felt it was important to fully explore my new cultural roots. As it turns out, however, my Jewish studies have led me to adopt another Abrahamaic faith, namely Islam. I will therefore be fasting for Ramadan and would greatly appreciate a couple of days off before the important feast of Eid al-Fitr on the 9th.

MEMO – November 3, 2010 – Baha’i Holidays
I was as surprised as you that the Baha’i faith would be for me. But it really is and it turns out that November is the perfect month to celebrate that new faith as there are three separate holidays. If you could see fit to grant me time off for the Birth of Baha’u’llah (November 12th), the Day of the Covenant (November 26th) and the Ascension of ‘Abdul-Baha (November 28th), it would be much appreciated and would almost certainly avoid the necessity of what I am sure you would agree would be prolonged and unwanted litigation.

MEMO – January 15, 2011 – Buddhist holidays
The secret of happiness lies in the mind’s release from worldly ties. I do not know if you are a follower of the Buddha. If you are, you will know the peace of mind that can come from a study of his great wisdom. And if you are, you will also know that February 3rd is the Chinese New Year and February 8th is Nirvana Day. I trust that I will be granted the time off to pursue my new faith. You are, of course, welcome to join me on my spiritual quest for those two important days. Given the obvious stress you have been under lately, it might do you a world of good.

MEMO – February 15, 2011 – Hindu holidays
I’m sorry for the short notice but I’m going to need to take time off on March 1st and 3rd which, no doubt, you are aware mark Hola Mohalla and Maha Shivratri. I’m sure I’m not the first person to pursue Eastern religions and make that easy spiritual step from Buddhism to Hinduism. It seems so natural and right and these two days of reflection and devotion will undoubtedly help to clarify my new revelations.

MEMO – March 8, 2011 – Scientology holiday
Thanks so much for the Hindu holidays or as my people say: “Namasté.” Or at least that’s what my people would have said before I saw the interstellar light and converted to Scientology. Did you know that L. Ron Hubbard’s birthday is March 13th? Well, it is and I’d really appreciate a day off to fully partake in the special celebrations. This may necessitate another reduction in my workload but, as before, I’m sure we can solve this problem together if we really try.

MEMO – March 9, 2011
To: Dave Martin
Sales Coordinator

From: Brad Richards
Regional Director

Re: Upcoming Holidays

Dave, take all the religious holidays you want. You’re fired.


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