From the Desk of Windy Pines Christmas Tree Farm

By: Raleigh Drennon

Dear Windy Pines customer,

Happy holidays! Everyone at Windy Pines Christmas Tree Farm is looking forward to a great season. Right off the bat, let me say this: we are 100 percent committed to correcting the minor yet nagging problems that you may have experienced with us in the past. So come get your tree! The burrowing carpet mite infestation has been, to a significant degree, controlled. And by the time you read this, so has the feral cat situation. (We’re setting the traps tonight!) As for the blister beetles, well, some things you just have to live with. How they got here from South America, I’ll never know!

I’ll be honest — this past year has been a time of soul searching for the Windy Pines family. Frankly, we were a bit staggered by the mind-bogglingly consistent statements from more than a few folks last year that Windy Pines was the “worst Christmas tree farm in the world.” And by the TV news reports that said the same thing. At the time we thought to ourselves: Oh, come on now, the worst? What about tree farms in foreign countries that don’t celebrate Christmas? Then appeared the inflammatory yard signs denouncing our tree farm, followed by that reader’s poll in Parade magazine. Okay, that got our attention. Message received.

Of course, we’ve tried several times to correct problems with the help of our customer comment cards. However, most of these were simply smeared with feces, with few or no written comments provided. But thank you for that wake-up call. We know you can always choose another tree farm, one that, say, doesn’t hire employees who hurl holiday-themed insults at you. That’s why we’re making some changes to the way we do business. We want you back! Ho! Ho! Ho!

First, we promise that you will find all the major varieties of Christmas tree at our Christmas tree farm, including the universally popular Scotch Pine, Douglas Fir, and Colorado Blue Spruce. As to why we’ve never offered any of these trees before, I have no answer. But we now subscribe to several trade magazines to stay up on that.

Next, our salespeople pledge not to sulk and sigh heavily when you ask to see something “fuller,” “taller,” or “less brown.” Our nativity scene will be slightly more “traditional.” Our tree shaker will be used exclusively for its proper purpose. There will not be a dead reindeer in back of the utility shed. You will not be tailed by a mysterious brown station wagon after you drive away from the tree farm. We sold that car, so I can guarantee that. Also, prostitution will no longer be tolerated. Although this is due more to a local police initiative than to anything we did, we feel it is a positive step. So bring the kids! We hope to have free peppermint sticks!

Many people have asked us if we operate another business the rest of the year, so that they can avoid this business too. Well, that’s a discouraging attitude, but truth to tell, we’ve tied our fortunes solely to Christmas trees, come what may. So, as you may have guessed, we really need a bang-up holiday season this year. In fact, we’re counting on it. C’mon, give us another whirl! We promise no family arguments in front of customers. And we will not beat King Wenceslas, our Christmas tree farm dog. Unless he bites you, then it’s your call. His fate is in your hands!

I know that we may have disappointed you, our valued customer. I know that we have to win back your trust. I know that being named the “worst Christmas tree farm in the world” (informally and then formally and then, briefly, legally) puts us in the underdog role vis-à-vis our competition. But if you just give us another chance, I know we can make it right. The Spirit of Christmas suffuses every inch of Windy Pines. You’ll notice the change immediately, along with the absence of Asian gangs. Isn’t that refreshing!? And remember, Santa will be visiting us next Saturday and Sunday from noon till four. We hope to see you. By the way, he’s a new Santa. So don’t worry.

Warmest holiday regards,

Dave Bleemstead, Proprietor

Along with Umar, Mrs. Flanch, Mysterio and the rest of the Windy Pines Family


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