Executive Insults

By: Neil Pasricha

Wow, that’s a nice painting you’ve got in your office, Miller. I think I saw the same one down by the urinals at the Bowlerama.

No, no, no. Don’t worry, Cindy. This is great takeout you got for our team meeting. And I’m sure it looked good, too. (Pause.) You know, before someone sat on it. (Longer pause.) And haphazardly tossed salad dressing over it all. (Even longer pause.) And burnt it.

So, Thompson. Where’d you learn to erase a whiteboard? The School of Slow, Small Concentric Circles That Never Touch the Corners?

I was impressed by your e-mail, Henderson. You spelled two words correctly, which I believe is a new personal best. Congratulations!

Nice double Windsor you got there, Miller. By the way, I was completely lying. That is a horrible double Windsor you got there, Miller.

No, Tony, I wouldn’t say your voice-mail message is the longest and most convoluted I’ve ever heard, no. I wouldn’t say that. What I would say, however, is that your voice-mail message is not as unlong and nonconvoluted as anyone else’s ever.

Hey, Keri, do you know how to fix the photocopier? I hope so, because you broke it.

(Holds hand up for a high-five with raised eyebrows and an open mouth, then moves it away at the last second.)

Yeah, well, guess what, Steve? The mailroom called. And they want YOU back! (Picks up a piece of mail and casually tosses it on the floor.) Oh, whoops. (Making a mock-concerned face.) Can you get that, Steve?

Hey, that’s a really nice suitcase you got there, Miller. Oh…I’m sorry…incredibly outdated cell phone.

I’m sorry if I gave you that impression, Cindy. It’s not that I hate Take Your Kids to Work Day. It’s that I hate your kids.

How’d you do on your performance evaluation, Judy? Did they overlook your complete incompetence again?

I got to hand it to you, Miller. And by “it” I mean this pink slip. Oh, by the way, the Bowlerama called. They want their painting back.


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