Elitist Proverbs

By: Eric Feezell

As you sow, so shall you reap. Then shall you pick up my dry cleaning.

Beggars can’t be choosers, or much of anything, really.

Money doesn’t buy happiness. Or, in your case, money doesn’t rent happiness. Anyhow, I was only joking. It does. Buy it, that is.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which is why you’re still single at forty.

The meek shall inherit the earth, and in doing so, shall become the unmeek, whilst the previously unmeek shall momentarily become the meek and inherit the earth right back and that will be the end of it. You see, the earth is only allowed to change hands twice. Unfair? Well, that’s the way we wrote it. You may return to your plots now.

An in-home gym, eight-figure inheritance, and Ivy League education make a man healthy, wealthy, and wise (and enable him to sleep until noon every day).

He who knows contentment is rich — rich in a very stupid, very meaningless sense of the word.

People who live in glass houses in the Hamptons every summer should throw whatever they wish, including small dogs and midgets.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and I will eat the $65 sturgeon at Gary Danko tomorrow night. Ahem, without a reservation.

How much better is it to get wisdom than gold…wait a sec…why the heck am I asking you?

Never judge a book by its cover, unless it happens to be covered with a paper bag from the Grocery Outlet Discount Superstore. In that case, feel free to judge liberally both the book and its carrier.

Nobodys perfect. (Just kidding.)


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