Cereal Around The World

By: Matt Weir

As men, and sometimes even women, know, cereal is an integral part of life on this mild and temperate planet we call Earth. Cereal governs the most basic of all human interactions, and, well, even if it doesn’t, it should is my point. Basically, what I’m saying here is that cereal is really, really good. It’s really good to eat cereal and milk from a bowl. Much better than eating a bowl full of just milk, certainly, and almost infinitely better than eating a bowl unfull of cereal. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Does everyone really love cereal as much as us? Well, of course they do. Here look, I even did a little slapdash research on the Internet to see how people eat cereal everywhere else in the world and look what I found:


In Chile, cereal is always eaten in a room with at least one dozen piñatas hanging from the ceiling. A mariachi band is most always present, but if all area mariachi bands are already booked, then listening to a Gloria Estefan record will suffice. Never ever listen to the Green Jelly album Cereal Killer. Also, instead of a spoon, use a maraca.


While biting the neck of a young, attractive woman, pour the desired crunchy cereal bits over her neck, mixing the flowing blood with the cereal to create a tangy, crispy treat. Note: Be mindful of the HIV.

Southern California

Instead of a bowl, place cereal inside of a pita. Substitute sprouts and avocado for milk. Surf while eating as necessary. Also, between bites, elect a crappy governor.


Rub your breakfast lamp to summon the cereal genie. For your first wish, ask for a bowl of cereal. For your second wish, ask for a quart of milk. For your third wish, ask for a thousand and one spoons, one for each member of your harem. Sit back as they feed you, anoint you with oils, and fan you with peacock feathers — all while belly-dancing.


I can’t think of a racial-stereotype joke for this country.


Q. Why don’t Egyptians pour milk on their cereal?

A. They don’t need to — their mummies do it for them.


This is just like America, except instead of pouring the cereal into the bowl and then adding the milk, you do not eat at all, for this country is ravaged by war and is very poor.

The Fifth Dimension

As you float, simply use the giant glowing polygon to magnetically attach the cereal to the gaping mouth now located on your right shoulder. Remember to do this to the beat of the propulsive dance music streaming from all directions.


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