Amendments to the Constitution Passed by the 109th Congress, While Drunk

By: Justin Warner

Amendment XXVIII

Marriage in the United States shall be construed only as the union of a man and an authentic Dukes of Hazzard action figure. All other marriages are hereby dissolved.

Amendment XXIX

The Congress shall have the power to prohibit the physical desecration of the American flag, if said flag is worn on Spandex biker shorts by Persons weighing greater than three hundred pounds.

Amendment XXX

Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech, except in the case of any Unsolicited Anecdotes by Representative Kenny Hulshof of Missouri, concerning his Fantasy Baseball League, or by Representative Thelma Drake of Virginia, concerning her Five Kitties, or by Senator John McCain of Arizona, concerning his sufferings as a Prisoner of War, about which we have heard enough already.

Amendment XXXI

The Congress shall have the power to compel Representative John Murtha of Pennsylvania to do something about his coffee breath.

Amendment XXXII

The twenty-fifth article of amendment to the Constitution of the United States, delineating the line of succession to the Presidency, is hereby repealed. In the case of the removal of the President from office by his death or resignation, the Presidency shall pass to the member of Congress who, by immediate demonstration thereof, can consume the greatest number of Alabama Slammers in one minute, without vomiting for at least one hour thereafter.

Amendment XXXIII

The following amendment must be enforced.

Amendment XXXIV

The preceding amendment must be ignored.

Amendment XXXV

On at least one day per year, the Supreme Court shall hear a case while completely naked, and shall rule in favor of whomever goes the longest without laughing.

Amendment XXXVI

When the President enters a room, rather than “Hail to the Chief,” the assembled Musicians shall play Three Six Mafia’s “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp.”

Amendment XXXVII

The first Thursday after Labor Day is hereby designated “Opposite Day,” on which the opposite of all of the Amendments contained herein shall become law, and must be enforced.

Amendment XXXVIII

The Congress shall have the power to conduct panty raids without notice.

Amendment XXXIX

No Senator or Representative shall address the assembled Congress without first capturing a Greased Pig, and holding said pig throughout his or her remarks, without benefit of rope, gloves, or other restraining devices.

Amendment XL

The laws of the State of Wyoming are hereby repealed, and replaced entirely with the rules of the popular board game “Clue.”

Amendment XLI

Cruel and unusual punishments shall not be inflicted, except when a two-thirds majority of Congress shall find the punishment totally awesome, such as the launching of a Prisoner from a cannon into the Hoover Dam, or any punishment involving giant Scorpions, or the ejection of the Prisoner into Outer Space without a proper Helmet, just to see what happens.

Amendment XLII

No member of Congress shall be compelled to clean the carpet in the Old Senate Chamber, no matter who peed on it.


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