Adopting A Killer Robot FAQ

By: Mark Peters

The key to successfully adopting a killbot — as we who love killer robots call them — is matching the person and the robot. We only want to place a killbot into a home that will be its forever home. Before proceeding with your killbot adoption, please read the following FAQ carefully.

What is a killbot?

In many ways, a killbot is like any other robot. Every robot has a primary function, whether to vacuum the rug, repair an oil spill, fulfill your sexual needs, or exterminate humanity. Killbots focus on the latter, which leads to their bad reputation. Just the fact that you’re considering killbot adoption shows rare compassion on your part. Not everyone has a heart big enough — or a family survivalist enough — to adopt a robot whose only purpose is to wipe the human pestilence from the face of the earth forever.

Why do people adopt killbots?

Many people aren’t able to make their own killbots, because they didn’t go to graduate school for robotics. Others are lonely and believe that hearing the CLANK CLANK of huge, metallic feet is just what their home needs. Often, a pair of lovebirds feel like a killbot would bring them closer together, and it could be the first step toward having a dog or zombie together. A certain number of folks simply want to kill a lot of people, and adopting a killbot seems like the easiest way.

Who will take care of your killbot?

You should consider who will be your killbot’s primary caretaker. Your seven-year-old son may have been begging for a killbot day and night, but will he really be there to perform routine maintenance and programming? Is your teenage daughter responsible enough to teach your killbot who are the right neighbors to liquidate? As a killbot caretaker, you should be ready to assume responsibility for the killbot and everyone it massacres for the rest of your life, whether that life lasts another fifty years or just fifty minutes after bringing it home.

How do I discipline my killbot?

In less enlightened times, the person-killbot relationship was characterized as a master and a slave. We feel this is the wrong way to look at killbots, though we recognize the importance of training. You must be firm with your killbot. Saying “Bad killbot!” while chuckling to yourself about the UPS workers it slaughtered with its laser nipple-blasters is not going to discourage future nipple-blastings.

Do you want a girl killbot or a boy killbot?

This might be the most important choice you make. Boy killbots tend to slaughter more innocents and cause more carnage. Girl killbots instill more terror and fear. One great thing about a girl killbot is, if you fill the house with images of svelte, supermodel fembots, your she-killbot will develop a robo-eating disorder and consume less energy. A lower electric bill is attractive to many families.

Are there risks to adopting a killbot?

Adopting a killbot brings a certain level of risk. You can’t expect all your furniture and family members to remain intact. Accidents can happen, even in a family that’s as loving as it is Kevlar-vested. Consider all the possibilities: Do you have elderly family members in the house who will be easy targets for your killbot? Do you have young children who may frustrate the killbot by repeatedly asking it to play Battlestar Galactica and give piggyback rides? These are legitimate concerns. Also, every year, hundreds of killbots accidentally see the offensive portrayal of droids in the Star Wars movies and then kill every human in a five-mile radius.

Is a killbot expensive?

Having a killbot is moderately expensive. You should be prepared to pay for technical support and the legal fees that surround collateral damage. Fortunately, we’re offering some great deals during February, which is National Adopt a Killbot Month.

What if the creator of the killbot wants it back?

Emotionally, this can be a sticky issue. Legally, you have nothing to worry about. All killbots in our shelter have been legally separated from their previous masters. However, we take no responsibility for secret programming that might wipe out your family. For most killbot owners, this is an acceptable risk.

Are killbots high-maintenance?

Yes. Killbots are extremely social robots. They crave more than death and blood and gore and a mountain of corpses: they need people and robots to share these experiences. Are you willing to help your killbot meet other robots? Will you spend quality time with your killbot, every day, even when you’re busy or tired? As Isaac Asimov put it, “A lonely killbot is a killy killbot.”

Can I return my killbot?

Sometimes, adopting a killbot just doesn’t work out. If your killbot completes its primary objective, we will gladly take it back for a small fee charged to your remaining family members, if there are any.



Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *