By: Kurt Luchs

1040M U.S. Individual Mafioso Tax Return 2002


Use the IRS label. Otherwise, please print or type, or at least let Luigi in accounting forge it for you.

Your first name and initial

Last name

Official nickname

Home address

No, your real home address

City, state, and ZIP code

Pool room where you can normally be reached

If a joint return, mistress’s first name and initial

Last name

Illegal campaign contribution

Do you want $10,000 to go to this fund? Yes_____ No_____

Note: Checking “Yes” will not shorten any currently pending prison sentences.

Filing Status

Check only one box.

1 Single

2 Married filing joint return (even if spouse is now part of patio or swimming pool)

3 Married filing separate return (spouse is nominal head of separate dummy corporation)

4 Head or member of extended criminal family. (See page 10.)

5 Qualifying widow(er). (Spouse died of natural causes.)


If more than six imaginary dependents, see page 10.

6a Yourself. If your godfather (or someone else) can claim you as a dependent on his or her return — hey, that’s OK, too

b Guard dog

c Dependents

(1) First name


Last name

(2) Dependent’s relationship to you (e.g., “lousy no-good nephew who should be drowned in a vat of acid before he can squeal to the grand jury again”)

d Total number of exemptions claimed

e Total number of exemptions you actually hope to get away with


Attach Copy B of your Forms W-2, W-2G, and 1099-R here, along with any gambling IOUs you have a reasonable chance of collecting on.

If you did not get a W-2, see page 12.

If you want us to think you didn’t get a W-2, see page 13.

If you got a W-2 from a fictitious construction company, see page 14.

If your W-2 is illegible due to liquor, blood or other stains, see page 15.

Enclose but do not attach any payment.

Note: Casino chips are not U.S. currency.

7 Wages, salaries, horse-racing tips, etc. Attach Form(s) W-2

8 Loan-shark interest

9 Alimony check returned uncashed due to sudden accidental death of ex-spouse

10 Total goodwill distributions to the IRA

11 Cannabis-farm income or (loss). Attach Schedule F

12 Other income. List type, amount, and federal statute broken

13 Add the amounts in the far right column for lines 7 through 12. This is your total income

Adjusted Gross Income

14 Moving expenses. Note: Transporting bodies or body parts across state lines is an itemized deduction, not a moving expense. Use Schedule A

15 Health-insurance deduction. Include any protection money paid here

16 Add lines 14 and 15

17 Subtract line 16 from line 13. This is your adjusted gross income

Tax Computation

If you want the IRS to figure your tax, see page 18.

If you want the IRS to figure your jail sentence, see page 19.

18 Check if: _____You were 65 or older _____Blind _____Honest I didn’t see anything Dominick I swear oh God please don’t shoot no no no no no. Add the number of boxes checked above and enter the total here.

19 Subtract line 18 from line 17

20 If line 19 is $30,900 or less, go back to Mr. Alonzo in Queens, grab him by the ankles and shake him upside down vigorously until more loose change falls from his pockets

21 Taxable income. Subtract line 20 from line 19

22 Tax


Multiply $2000 by total number of years you spent on Rikers Island.

Other Taxes

23 Alternative under-the-counter minimum tax. Attach bribe to Form 6251

24 Social security and Medicare tax on tip income not reported to employer. Attach Form 4137

25 Subtract Medicare payments for injuries inflicted by employer upon learning about unreported income

26 Add lines 23 through 25. This is your total tax


27 Federal income tax withheld

28 2002 estimated payments to circuit-court judge

29 Payment of excessive interest to Vinny

30 Add lines 27, 28, and 29. This is your total payment


Don’t even think about it.

Amount You Owe

That’s more like it.

30 If line 25 is more than line 29, subtract line 29 from line 25. This is the AMOUNT YOU OWE. For details on how to pay, be at the Rt. 73 overpass next Tuesday at midnight

Sign Here

Do not under any circumstances keep a copy of this return, and better make sure Ricardo doesn’t have one, either.

Under penalty of perjury, I hereby invoke my constitutional privilege not to incriminate myself.

Your signature


Your cover occupation

Paid Informer’s Use Only

Informer’s signature


Next of kin


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