To: All Employees, Bolt & Westinghouse
Last month Bolt & Westinghouse hired Tim Egan, a renowned company efficiency expert from Q Inc., to evaluate our business and recommend us some efficiency tips. Last night in our monthly executive meeting Tim presented the results of his analysis, which included ten time-saving tips for improving the work efficiency at Bolt & Westinghouse. We have decided to fully implement all ten of these tips TODAY. We have no time to waste, friends. After reading this email, please print it out and read it again. After you are done, please read it again. After you are done, please read it once more, tear it into shreds, and then swallow it. Welcome! We are a new, revitalized company today! The following changes take effect in twenty minutes:
To save the time of writing out “Bolt & Westinghouse” or saying “Bolt & Westinghouse” the name Bolt & Westinghouse is changed to simply B. This is the last time you will ever hear the name Bolt & Westinghouse: Bolt & Westinghouse.
We have installed an electric oven burner onto all B bathroom counters. From now on a big metal pail full of soapy water will remain warm by sitting on that oven burner, and another pail of matted face towels will sit beside it. Please dip dirty hands once into each pail and then return to your desks to continue working.
The question “How was your weekend?” is replaced by two raised eyebrows, and the reply “Good thanks, how was yours?” is replaced by a smile and a nod.
The elevator doors have now been programmed to open and close at twice the current speed. Standing in the way of the doors to prevent them from closing will cause them to close even faster.
All emails will now fit the B email template. The template is as follows:
3. The word ‘pleasantry’
4. Initials/Job Title/Company Name
We have placed the company stock quote, company policies, and company directory online at the company intranet site. As a result, access has been blocked to the following Web sites: All Web sites.
BT, the new B nurse, will be circulating the floors and shaving everyone’s heads on Monday mornings. All mirrors will be removed from the bathrooms. And trust us, your hair looks fine, so there is no need to care for it in any way which requires time.
Pay day has been changed from every other Thursday to January 1st of each year. Please budget accordingly.
The menu in the cafeteria has changed. Instead of omelets and made-to-order pastas, we will be offering omelet shakes and made-to-order pastas juice.
All employees, job titles, and days of the week will now only be referred to by initials.
Welcome to the first M morning at B!