The Winning Candidate’s Job Interview For Lead Character In My New Zombie Apocalypse Novel

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What separates you from the nearly infinite field of characters that I can imagine into existence to star in my new zombie apocalypse novel?

At the risk of sounding cliché, I am your star. Everything about me, from my mullet to my lazy eye, points to me being perfect for this part. I abhor non-violence, inaction and lapses in dialogue. In my troubled past, I often found myself ostracized or even incarcerated due to my intolerant nature and violent outbursts, but now, in this post apocalyptic world, I practically have Zombie Killer tattooed across my neck. If you’d like, I will, literally, have Zombie Killer tattooed across my neck. It’s up to you. I don’t have to have a neck tattoo, but I think it would enhance my general image. My point is that I’m memorable. Also, I’m deep. I have just enough self-doubt and internal conflict to give myself depth and to give your readers someone that they can connect with, at least on a subconscious level. Every woman wants to be with me and every man wants to be me. Every zombie wants to eat me as well but that comes with the territory.

Describe your physical characteristics.

I’m 6’2″, blond haired and blue eyed. Although I don’t have the symmetrically featured face of a heartthrob actor, I’m quite the stud. Chicks dig my quiet confidence and hardly notice my bad eye. I’ve been described as dangerously stupid but I more than make up for that with my snarky one-liners. Five years in state prison did wonders for my physique. I trained as a kickboxer in Thailand from birth until age 15 when I was kicked out of the country for being too dangerous. I may or may not have a tattoo on my neck. I’m thinking yes, personally. I’m also willing to cut my blond locks or even shave my head if you need me to undergo a psychological transformation with a physical manifestation.

Describe your psychology.

I don’t think too much about that. You need your star to be a man of action, not some introverted, self-reflective pansy. I have that nagging doubt and internal conflict that I mentioned earlier. I’m full of contradictions. That’s why people will love to hate me and hate to love me. I accidentally killed my mother during childbirth by kicking her uterus with my steel-toed baby boot. That incident left me emotionally scarred, spiritually wounded and that much more of a hard case. Killing zombies in new and exceptionally creative ways is the only thing that keeps me going. That and my search for the cure. Is there a cure in this novel? I also keep Albino Burmese Pythons. Sometimes I feed them “small zombies.” We don’t like to call them children in this genre, for obvious reasons.

What are some of your long-term goals?

My most important long-term goal is to land a major role as lead character in a zombie apocalypse novel. This has been a dream of mine since I poofed into existence this morning, complete with a malleable past. Perhaps, while I was in the Special Forces I developed a pathological need to deal in death? In that case, finding a job that allowed me to kill will have been a long-term goal. I know that I plan to kill as many of the repulsive flesh eaters as possible before I save the world and consummate my relationship with Female Lead Character. If I can throw off some witty dialogue and develop as a fictional entity along the way, well that’s all gravy.

What are your strengths?

Number one would be my adaptability on paper. One paragraph I can be a heroic warrior destroying everything in my path and the next I can be woefully lamenting the loss of my Albino Burmese Python (after it stupidly ingested a chainsaw, which got turned on later, when it tried to cuddle) with expressive sobs. I could get its name tattooed on my forearm in Chinese script — that’ll enhance my image as well. There’s also my willingness to suffer catastrophic injury if it’ll secure the role. You need me to lose an arm? Done. Do you need my face to be mangled in a bizarre wood chipper accident? Fine. I’m even willing to lose my eye provided you take the lazy one.

What are your biggest weaknesses?

I’m loyal to a fault. I’ve even offered to have my neck tattooed for you. I can be arrogant and hot headed. You see the way I throw a fit in chapter 5 when Supporting Character #3 leaves half of our ammo back at the camp and we have 2 dozen biters hot on our trail. Also, as you prove in chapter 9, I have intimacy issues with Female Lead Character. And there’s the criminal record. I’m willing to have other problems as well. Maybe a history of substance abuse? (It would explain the incarceration. And the neck tattoo.) Maybe I’ll suffer a relapse after the ridiculously violent death of my beloved snake? Or you could just give me a snake related hernia? It’s all up to you.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

If it were up to me? Okay, I’m sitting on a porch by a lake somewhere deep in the woods. Female Lead Character is sitting next to me. She’s pregnant again. Our little boy puts down his rifle and walks over, pets my Albino Burmese Python and asks about my neck tattoo.

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