Dear Third World Dictator or Corrupt, Impotent Figurehead of a Failed Pseudo-Democracy:
Not everyone deserves the IMF Good-As-Gold Card. It’s designed especially for nations that know how to make other people responsible for their debts. Nations that know spending other people’s money is always spending wisely. Nations with a timely, regular record of complete nonpayment. It’s these special nations, like your own, that deserve to be pre-approved and pay less for the card that never stops giving.
Our rate is the lowest in the known universe: a negative 6.9% APR. That’s right — simply by acquiring our card you will start earning money, because any outstanding loans will decrease at the rate of 6.9% a year until Bono manages to convince everyone they should be wiped off the books. And you can be certain that this rate will never change, regardless of changes in the Prime Rate, the global market, or the structure of reality itself.
Your credit line is limited only by Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle and by your ability to add a string of zeros to the right of a “1” (if you haven’t yet mastered this essential skill of international finance, our trained advisors will be only too glad to show you how).
A credit line of this magnitude allows you to buy what you want when you want it. What is your country’s main need? Transportation (new Mercedes for mistress)? Education (singing coach for mistress)? Infrastructure (facelift for mistress)? Health (penicillin shots for mistress)? Whatever it may be, you’ll find that the IMF Good-As-Gold Card opens a whole world of spending possibilities for you.
With an APR this low, you can save by transferring your countless smaller bad loans into one gigantic consolidated bad loan. Why go through the monthly hassle of defaulting on all those nickel-and-dime debts when you can default on one easy, unimaginably large debt?
Unlike many other gold cards, which charge an annual fee of up to $75, the IMF Good-As-Gold Card has no annual fee. In fact, we’ll pay you $75 million right now just to take it.
Even better are the IMF Good-As-Gold Card’s many other benefits. For instance, our Emergency Next-Day Credit Line Two-For-One Policy, which automatically doubles your credit limit if your card is lost or stolen. And you can call our 24-hour Customer Service Center for help at any time to hear a prerecorded message from Bono about the importance of spending money like a drunken sailor. If it’s an emergency, you can also speak directly to an actual IMF Good-As-Gold Card representative about the vital need to spend money like there’s no tomorrow.
So be sure to take advantage of this extraordinary pre-approved and eternally non-rescindable offer today. An insanely low negative 6.9% APR. A credit line higher than Madonna’s hem. Guaranteed savings that will continue until the heat death of the universe. And the kind of service only a highly motivated, lifelong bureaucratic corps can offer. What does it all add up to? A card only certain nations deserve: The IMF Good-As-Gold Card.
Daniel P. Frothenmouth
International Monetary Fund
P.S. You deserve more, so call now for your pre-approved IMF Good-As-Gold Card with no annual fee (except to the American taxpayer) and a negative 6.9% APR. Please take a moment right now to fill out and return the attached Bank-So-Big-It-Must-Not-Fail Acceptance Agreement, along with the Debt-So-Large-It-Can-Never-Be-Repaid Waiver of Responsibility. Or you could just wait a while. After all, if Bono has his way, this special offer will never expire.