Set: Middle Eastern–looking desert with nearby oasis and lots of palm trees.
0:00–0:04 Fade in; we see Britney from the back, being born in a manger. (Note: Make sure this is hot but still tasteful.)
0:05–0:07 Introduce main characters (all played by Britney in different wigs), including: tabloid-vilified Britney; tragically-distant Britney; introspective-and-surprisingly-well-read Britney; never-had-a-childhood Britney; only-wants-someone-to-love-her Britney; and just-once-I’d-like-to-go-out-and-buy-a-Caramel-Macchiato-at-Starbucks-without-anyone-noticing-like-any-other-normal-person Britney.
0:08–0:10 Establishing shot of booty-shaking next to the oasis.
0:11–0:13 Giant crowd chasing Britney as she tries to go about a normal day of shopping.
0:14–0:20 Energetic booty-shaking segueing into near-maniacal booty-shaking.
0:21–0:25 Booty-shaking while clad only in a thin layer of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese sauce. (Note: See if we can secure product placement compensation here.)
0:26–0:28 Britney collapses from extensive booty shaking.
0:29–0:31 EMTs rush Britney to hospital, where she’s given an IV.
0:32–0:35 Britney undergoes cardiac arrest and flatlines after enthusiastic fans raid the hospital and steal her IV bag to sell on eBay.
0:36–0:39 Optional shot of doctors doing that gross electrocution thing to Britney’s ample chest with those paddle things.
0:40–0:42 Britney’s soul rises above her body. (Note: Make sure this is synched with the hook.)
0:43–0:45 Fans weep at her bedside.
0:46–1:00 Britney’s funeral; over 1 billion people in attendance (Note: Might need to use CGI for this one unless we can get a lot of extras).
1:01–1:05 Britney’s body is interred at Arlington National Cemetery. (Note: Check on this — it might only be for soldiers and stuff. May have to add backstory to make it more obvious that Britney died serving her country.)
1:06–1:10 Britney’s tombstone is stolen and sold on eBay.
1:11–1:12 Three days pass; darkness descends upon the world and national production slows to a halt. (Note: Crow could be used to demonstrate country’s collective pain and landscape’s desolation.)
1:13–1:20 Britney rises from dead in burst of heavenly light. (Note: Could be controversial; prepare alternate clip of her in nun’s habit just in case.)
1:21–1:49 Bird’s-eye view of Britney lifting her eyes on high and reliving her life in flashback, thinking what she would have done differently.
Note: The next four shots should be filmed in black-and-white to denote seriousness.
1:50–1:55 Britney takes singing lessons and a music theory course. (Note: Is there such a thing as fast-motion? If so, film this in that.)
1:56–1:59 Britney goes back to school and studies the classics. (Note: Definitely Ovid, Thucydides, Aristotle, Tacitus, and Herodotus, plus maybe a few Christian writers of late antiquity if we have room.) Time slows down.
2:00–2:00 Britney teaches illiterate children in Mozambique to read; time stands still.
2:01–1:50 Britney focuses on something other than herself; time moves backwards.
1:51–2:10 Cameo/rap duet by William Hung and Chingy, featuring quick shots of “bling,” “ho’s,” “biotches,” “ice,” “gats,” “Cristal,” “crack cocaine,” and whatever else the kids are into these days.
2:11–2:21 Long tracking shot of Britney crucified on the cross of the intersection of the public’s expectations (vertical beam) and her intensely private persona (horizontal beam).
2:22–2:30 Matrix-style revolving shot of Britney pleading for forgiveness for being super-hot.
2:31–2:40 Britney plays compassionately with those really skinny children with big bellies you see on infomercials sometimes.
2:41–2:48 Dance interlude involving “hot” shepherds.
2:49–2:55 Britney logs onto Friendster; sees she has no new messages.
2:56–3:02 In a cleansing shower of righteousness, Britney repents for her success, clad only in a strategically fitted Middle Eastern–style bikini.
3:03–3:04 Quick cuts of Britney saving humanity from threat of Mutually Assured Destruction; encouraging self-esteem among girls ages 13–25; joining Outward Bound; brokering an Israeli-Palestinian peace accord that works; smoothly handing over Iraqi control; inventing an efficient desalination process for third-world populations; breaking ground on the new Britney Spears Johns Hopkins AIDS Research Institute; penning a Pulitzer Prize–winning picture-book “prequel” to Anna Karenina called Santa Anna Karenina; and getting married to someone who’s never heard of her.
3:05–3:07 Britney wakes up; realizes it was all a dream; smiles contentedly.
3:08–3:10 Snap zoom-out to see she’s actually trapped inside a TV, a victim of her own success. (Note: This is ironic.)
3:10–end (3:15) The TV is stolen by her fans and sold on eBay; fade out.